Have A Nice Day

6 Feb 2012

2012-02-06T01:01:00.000+08:00

熬夜看完MTH 315的两份notes.

每天告诉自己你想要什么。

要GPA，
要找到工作，
要保养皮肤。

你看不起自己，就没人看得起你。
你太看得起自己，也必定会被人轻视。
你做好自己就行了。

人怎么能依靠别人活着？

2012-01-02T03:30:00.000+08:00

I am brave enough to take responsibility for every decision I make, be it right or wrong. The path I've chosen is neither easy nor "clever" to many people. But I believe it will eventually lead me to where I want to be.

精神独立

2011-12-30T02:13:00.002+08:00

很多时候，男人会让你觉得他爱上了你，其实他真没有；而女人会让你觉得她不可能会爱上你，结果她却动了心。

我就是觉得，人生应该很美好

2011-12-15T00:57:00.000+08:00

尽管有那么多frustrating的失败，尽管失去了一些重要的东西，尽管有种种遗憾，尽管有时真的觉得自己的自尊都没了，

但是，还是有爸爸妈妈，有音乐，有朋友，可以逛街购物看电影吃东西，可以一点一点解决问题，有问题总能得到解答。

男人总会有的，工作也总会有的。只要能坚持下去，我相信我什么都会有的。

没有关系，真的没有关系。

2011-12-11T23:32:00.000+08:00

想的太多，要的太多，在乎的太多，就会输得一败涂地。
你想要的，只是让这个event不要挂掉。那还有别的什么可在乎呢？自己的面子？自己的形象？自己的自尊心？行了。就是因为你想太多你才会痛苦，才会失败！
一个人不可以什么都要的，这样你会很痛苦的。真的。我求求你了，救救你自己好不好？

你现在还能干什么

2011-11-10T21:48:00.000+08:00

为什么不快乐？

这个世界上没有RP这种东西

2011-11-10T15:05:00.001+08:00

没有什么倒霉不倒霉的。你要接受一切一切。你努力才可以得到一切。你不努力什么都没有。不要抱怨运气。不要做可悲的人。

我知道你没有错

2011-11-08T10:51:00.002+08:00

我只是希望我根本不曾遇到过你

请不要这么自我

2011-11-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

请不要assume别人的一举一动。不要把别人的帮忙当作理所当然。
错的终究还是你自己。
总是在心里以为大家都该干什么，都该为你干什么。当事情发展和你想象的不一样时，你就失控了。
你长大了吗？
你懂得区分理想和现实了吗？
没有人会无缘无故喜欢你，所以不要总是留下让人讨厌你的理由。
你要一直记得，要想做一件事，你能控制的只有你自己。不要assume别人的action.
你要任何时间都有万全准备。如果别人做的和你想象的是相反的，那你怎么面对？
你能控制的只有你自己。不要遇事总是去责怪别人。要想想为什么自己会这么vulnerable,会被别人的行为影响到？

你的生活还是太过一帆风顺了。你遇见的人或物都太过简单了。

从现在起，长大吧。向现实低头吧。你是太过普通的一个人，so never expect too much from others. You're the only one who can help yourself.

我的人生经历

2011-11-06T08:47:00.001+08:00

其实已经很2了。我果然就是一2逼啊。

Such an unexpected turn of events

2011-11-04T11:21:00.002+08:00

昨天我以为我输得够多了，今天才发现我输得一败涂地。

最高明的谎话，永远是七分真三分假。

2011-11-04T09:12:00.000+08:00

精明的人说的话永远是七分真三分假，
聪明的人永远会分辩出哪些是真，哪些是假。

从这次失败中学到的教训

2011-11-03T22:40:00.000+08:00

1. 如果想给人家找事，就要万事俱备。自己的论点论据要准备好，什么时候都不能动摇。
2. 英语要练好，一定要会说话。
3. 面对比你能说的人的时候，头脑要清晰。抓住论点不动摇。
4. 不要头脑空空的去做一件事情。要预测到什么困难可能出现，以及如何解决这些困难。
5. 不要信任任何人。没有证据的话，不会有人无缘无故相信你。

今天你被印度女人逼得扔了自己的论点，只留了一些站不住脚的臆测。无怪乎别人不能相信你。你不但没有告倒别人，反而把自己的credibility赔进去了。你让印度女人不但证明了她没问题，还证明了你有问题。你太失败了。你缺乏准备，缺乏意志力。你不知道你的上级想要的是什么，你不知道用什么样的证据才能达到你的目的。你最后被逼得只剩下一些emotional的主观臆断，实在太失败。

你要知道，你的上级想要实实在在的证据，你如果自己都不能应付印度人的反驳，如何再期望别人相信你？你如果自己都把自己的论据否认了，如何期望你的上级承认它们？你如果自己都admit there's some communication error，你如何再让你的上级相信印度人做错了？

如果你自己都在她强大的辩护下倒下了，自己都开始怀疑自己的指控是不是有道理，那你如何convince你的上级？

你的最大败笔，就是自己承认自己可能也有失误，就是自己承认印度人的借口也许成立，就是把自己好好的论点删除到只剩下“我还是不信任她”这句话。

他们当然会觉得问题出在你身上，因为你自己的论点都被驳倒了。如果你真的把握十足，又怎么会让自己的理论站不住脚呢？

还是你的准备不够，你没有anticipate到她的反击。你没有准备充分。你没有死咬住自己的观点不松口。当你承认自己也许有问题的时候，你就败了你知道吗？

你应该感到耻辱。因为你付出了这么多，得到的回报竟然还是负的。这就是人生这就是社会，如果你还学不会做人，你以后都会这么吃亏，这么任人欺侮。

一个人除了学会如何做事，还要学会如何和人相处，还要学会如何维护自己的观点，如何向别人证明自己的观点，如何游说别人。

凡事一定都要有准备。

至理名言

2011-11-01T09:06:00.003+08:00

日子已经够难过了，犯不着再找一个难搞的家伙在一起。空出一点地方来给那些妳理应得到的美好事物。

这么说吧

2011-10-28T12:54:00.002+08:00

我不好过，我也不会让别人好过。

Apology

2011-10-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

I want to apologize for every mistake that I have made since this semester. You might feel confused, or you might not care. I just want to speak out my feelings.

I remember you always tell me to do that. I did, or at least I thought I did, but in a wrong way.

I really regret that I have chosen this job, since I am only good at making simply things complicated. This is a rough semester. I kept quarrelling with my chairperson. I became ill in recess week. And, I might have lost a friend. Looking back, I am just wondering how stupid I must be to let all these happen. It seems all of a sudden nothing really matters now.

I didn’t realize that I was putting an unreasonably harsh burden on you until today. I directed all my anger and problems at you and expected you to be there always. I was so foolish and self-centred that I did not really consider how you might feel. I thought I could solve everything by talking to you directly but I failed. Then I started sending you weird messages like “I value you as a good friend”, followed by a question on the event. I had tried to tell you something but it always came out as something else. I had thought my EQ must be higher than yours, but now I know I am wrong.

I remember you used to think I am interesting, and that it is relaxing to talk to me. I guess I do give people such illusions.

Sometimes I tend to be over-optimistic, in the sense that I had thought if I tried, I would be able to patch up everything. I thought the conversation went great last Thursday, till I realized I made the wrong point.

I know that you might not really care about all these things. But I refuse to accept any worse explanation of the deterioration of our friendship.

I might still be making the wrong point. But, maybe no one really cares now.

I realize I will most probably get a silent reply. But I do not know what I can wish for.

Or if I could wish for things, I wish nothing had changed. I wish I had never taken on this position. I wish I had never lost a friend.

I wish you all the best.

有时，即使你知道一提笔就结束了，你还是要提笔，还是要结束。

人都是练出来的

2011-10-21T20:56:00.001+08:00

人都是练出来的

心诚则灵是吗？

2011-10-04T18:33:00.002+08:00

那我每天祈祷一次让我死吧，你是不是就会让我死？撞死我，压死我，砸死我？

让我死吧

2011-10-04T11:48:00.002+08:00

如果你要这么对我，那就让我死吧。

有些事不是你想不想面对，而是你无论如何都要面对。

2011-10-03T10:13:00.000+08:00

我很怕，我真的很怕。请不要这么对我。

蹉跎无比

2011-10-01T11:52:00.002+08:00

我觉得我已经开始老了。

为什么不信任我？

2011-09-12T21:58:00.001+08:00

我不高兴。
这件事，我可以做的比别人更好。
为什么不信任我？
我想要证明自己。

It's time to move on

2011-09-04T16:28:00.002+08:00

这里根本什么都没有，你看到的不过是海市蜃楼

WTF

2011-08-30T21:09:00.000+08:00

虽然我一直认为此人是sb，但是被sb鄙视了我心情还是很不好。这到底tmd是怎么回事？为什么只有我觉得他是sb？难道其实我才是sb？
这次没有做好，真的没有做好，这个我知道。我一直以为我擅长这种事，我一直以为responsibility是自己的一个positive trait。好吧，我失误了。
可是最悲惨的不是这次失误，最惨的是，信任呢？面子呢？以后还要在这个sb手下干，多惨啊，要一直忍受各种歧视各种鄙夷，我擦。
Life goes on。他愈sb,我就要愈坚强。

I hate it when we are drifting apart

2011-08-25T12:46:00.000+08:00

我是不是占有欲太强了？

人生真的是很有意思

2011-08-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

永远给你起，给你落。
在你觉得要放弃的时候突然给你阳光，
却在你最得意的时候迅速的给你当头一棒。
为什么你永远都不能平平淡淡地看待起起落落呢？

I have a lot of questions

2011-08-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

为什么人只想要自己得不到的？永远看不到自己已经拥有的？
我们应该相信别人，还是怀疑别人？
在这个人骗人的社会，到底如何去相信别人？
难道要相信人性本善？
难道要做天真的小白兔？
我们又如何知道别人不是在处处提防着我们呢？
我讨厌谎言。

Singlish说的不好也是有问题的

2011-08-09T13:41:00.000+08:00

怎么办呢，总不能逃避吧？

但你也是坚强的小家伙

2011-08-02T10:15:00.002+08:00

没用的家伙

2011-08-01T00:51:00.002+08:00

你真得很没用

想抓住点什么

2011-08-01T00:38:00.000+08:00

我想要全世界的幸福美好
我的为什么这么少
唉，贪心真的不好

为什么有些事做着做着会忽然失去意义
我是不是特别傻啊
干的净是傻事情

为什么女人总喜欢想这么多
下辈子我要当个男的
不拖泥带水
不优柔寡断
不胡思乱想

I hate myself

总有时间自怨自艾

2011-06-25T00:03:00.001+08:00

你问我，我也问你，
一个讨厌自己的人，如何能走下去？

终于打开了终于可以说自己想说的话了

2011-05-16T11:10:00.000+08:00

人是会变的，有些朋友不是一辈子的，早断早好。
真的不知道自己为什么这么脆弱，不敢把内心的感觉说出来。很想很想告诉他们，我其实很敏感，我其实是个女的。我根本不是好脾气的什么玩笑都可以开都不在乎的，言语的杀伤力太大了。
其实我没什么，我只是为失去一个朋友而难过。我想我肯定也做得不够好。其实我真得不是什么好人，所以没有朋友算我活该。
我觉得一切都该步入正轨了。你的世界你的朋友都离我很远。我意识到其实自己永远是可以被取代的，我意识到我们根本太不同了，没什么理由做朋友。
所以我发誓，不再踏入别人的世界，孤独不苦。

该死的寂寞

2011-04-30T18:34:00.000+08:00

我的精神力量果然不够强大。
学习吧学习吧学习吧。

Get busy living or get busy dying

2011-04-18T20:29:00.000+08:00

不敢自杀，就等意外吧，就等老天爷带我走吧
老天爷来之前，先忙着活吧。
怎么活着好，怎么能让自己开心，你自己清楚。

我恨这个世界如果失去了父母和萌萌我会自杀

2011-04-06T00:25:00.002+08:00

So you made a mistake. So what?

2011-04-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

So you made a mistake. So what? Even if that means you're not as clever as the other students, so what? Does this mean you don't have a future and that you can just go and kill yourself? No!!! It simply means you have to work twice as hard as other people! If you admit that you can never catch up, then you're done! You have no reason to continue living then, because you have no courage at all. Other people may not think highly of you, but you cannot deny yourself. 'cos if you do, then everything's over for you.

If, as you have guessed all along, you are not as clever, then work harder. Make full use of your time. Don't make phone calls all the time begging for the so-called "understanding". Yes other people may be willing to grant you that, then what? This is your life, which you should have control over. 你不能靠别人的同情别人的理解而活着，你应该努力成为你自己想成为的人。

If you are not stupid, then work hard. If, unfortunately, you are, then you need to, you have to, work harder. That's the only way to make up for your lack of intelligence. What is wrong here? Do you not want to be someone knowledgeable and useful? Do you not want to make money and improve the living standards of your family? Do you not have pride?

Yes you do! You have pride! That means you cannot even afford to fall behind. So don't! The only way for you to catch up is to work harder, because you know that if you spend one more second complaining, others are using that time to improve themselves. Then the gap between you and the others are just going to get wider and you'll lose even more confidence! Is that something you want to see? NO!!!!!!

If you want to keep your pride, you have to catch up and be better! The only way to achieve that is to work harder. You now have two choices for using your time, one is to sit there thinking over and over again how useless you are and planning how to kill yourself; the other is to work hard. If you choose number 1, then you'll be a loser forever. You'll never be able even to hold your head up when you pass by others. But if you choose number 2, there's a great possibility that you can catch up and become a better person! You can gain confidence! You can spell out your name clearly without worrying that you might be laughed at. Now THIS is what you want.

What has happened has become the history and you can never turn back time. What you have is NOW. At NOW you are the master of yourself. You have full control over your direction. After the analysis of your situation, you have to realize that the only choice you have is to work hard NOW.

Please! Make up a plan and improve yourself. This is the only chance left for you to feel better about yourself. Admit it. You need to do well in your exam. You need to be able to do every question. You need to be better than others. You need to excel. These may sound superficial, but these are exactly what you need to make yourself feel better. So go and do anything you can do grab them!

Now you need to be very clear of your goal. You want to feel confident and you want to assure yourself that you are every bit as good as the other Chinese students, so you want to do well in your finals to pull up your score. You want to feel happy during holiday, so you want to make sure your exam goes smoothly, so you want to be able to do every question, so you need to be clear of every concept and do as many questions as possible, so you need to plenty of time to focus on your study, so you need to plan your time wisely and try not to waste any, so you need to minimize your time for regretting and complaining about the past, because let's face it, you live in NOW, and regretting and complaining about the past is just useless and thus a waste of time which can be saved.

Plan your time wisely for these 4 weeks. Try to have time both for understanding all the basics and for practising. The more you prepare, the greater the possibility you'll be able to answer every question in your final paper, and therefore the greater the possibility that you'll be happy and confident. On the contrary, the more you complain, the less you prepare. The less you complain, the more you prepare, since your fixed amount of time is divided between complaining and preparing.

Conclusion: The less I complain, the more I prepare, the greater the possibility that I'll be happier in my holiday! SO I know what I should do now.

有些人你永远比不上

2011-03-29T14:44:00.000+08:00

这些天很多计划好的事情都没有做。总是为了某一件两小时该做完的事情浪费了太多时间。
我想有些人我永远比不上。
没有A聪明，没有B漂亮。而且，我不是C。
可是还是很幸运吧，即使这样，即使我什么也没有，什么都不是，还是有那么多人在爱着我，我也有爱他们的权利。
所以。。。别废话了，去mug吧。。。

每天都要定好下一天的计划

2011-03-26T22:24:00.000+08:00

明天要做到的事：
1.不再上校内
2.不再用百度搜跟学习无关的东西
3.不去搜狗音乐
4.好好学习

加油！今天12点前睡！

我决定继续写blog。哪怕记流水账！

2011-03-25T02:13:00.000+08:00

果断不能再熬夜了，要不2012还没来我就玩完儿了。今天2点多钟才睡。明天一定要12点前睡觉！明天来报到！！

如何做一个内心强大的人？

2011-03-05T19:08:00.003+08:00

我想很多东西是分析不出来的。坚持你自己，不求别人。

培养自己的思维，比工作更重要

2011-02-19T14:19:00.000+08:00

一个人所摄取的信息量，以及分析信息的能力，应该是最重要的。我的最大缺点，就是缺乏阅读，和时事脱轨了。自己没有清楚的规划好该干什么不该干什么。就业工资固然重要，但是学会思考更是重中之重。One must always learn to think.

坚持阅读，坚持思考。

要心无杂念

2011-02-18T12:55:00.000+08:00

现在不该想换专业的事。这是大事，一定要三思而后行。
申请时间从5月开始。现在怎么思考都只是浪费时间徒增烦恼。所以在这段时间内，要好好学习core modules，好好学习MB102,把financial markets看完。在这三个月内只学习，不要想别的。现在再怎么research都是别人的片面之词，只有自己大概了解了finance到底是怎么样的，才能决定自己的兴趣。
心无旁骛，好好学习。

中国人

2011-02-06T00:28:00.000+08:00

如果真的想理直气壮的坚持自己的政治理念，那就要让自己变强。不要纠结于那些根本不值一提的小烦恼了。只有自己编强大，说的话才会有人重视。
如果你是个中国人，你就应该努力，放开自己的眼界，别整天哭哭啼啼跟被人欺负了似的。内心要强大，因为我是中国人，要时时刻刻以主席来鞭策自己。

2011-02-05T20:12:00.000+08:00

想快乐的活着，可以吗？
想痛快的死去，可以吗？
我的敏感脆弱，可能只有萌萌能理解吧？
别人只会说，你这样不对，你应该如何如何。
这是不是所谓的忠言逆耳？
我是不是一个不能面对批评的笨蛋？
你们永远是你们，只有我才是我。
我看着别人快乐幸福，如鱼得水，我不止羡慕，我还嫉妒。
可是我要装作满不在乎，我一定要满不在乎。
我不在乎朋友，所以我可以心安理得地孤独。
只可惜这一切都是假象。其实自己才是最世俗的那个。想起一句电视剧里被滥用的台词，“你骗得了世界，却骗不了你自己。“
怎么我连世界都骗不了？
到底有多少人可以理解自卑是什么颜色？什么味道？
好吧，努力的转移注意力吧。

要坚信自己选择的路是正确的

2011-02-05T00:10:00.000+08:00

并且一直走下去，不被影响。

兔兔年

2011-02-04T16:19:00.000+08:00

各种淡定

有点情绪失控

2011-01-27T00:19:00.000+08:00

选不到课，刷了又丢，为什么这么倒霉？
但这件事可能不是最让人难受的吧。还是老话说得好，做人永远都只能靠自己。你指望从别人那里得到什么？同情？帮助？你把你自己太当回事儿了吧。根本没有人在乎你的感受，就算你拿着扩音喇叭向世界宣扬你自己的痛苦，别人也不过是挠挠耳朵闲太吵罢了。
不可以这样，不可以失去对情绪的控制，那样就完了，那样你的每一秒钟都将失去意义了。为什么不懂得为自己的快乐而快乐，为自己的悲伤而悲伤，让别人的各种情绪意见都见鬼去呢？
选课什么的，就顺其自然吧。想想opportunity cost，就明白自己该如何安排时间了。如果清闲是必须的，那就好好利用自己的时间吧。
还是那句老话，塞翁失马，焉知非福？不能在我根本无法控制的事情上再纠结再浪费时间了。改正自己上学期的错误才是关键吧。
别让别人控制你的情绪。

No S/U this term

2010-11-20T21:40:00.000+08:00

I've made the decision. So no regrets.

Or you just think that you are the sole representative of the truth?

2010-11-16T19:57:00.000+08:00

I don't understand any of this.
I have absolutely no idea what Liu Xiaobo has actually done, or whether he really deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. This article in "The Economist" is suggesting that China is threatening all the western leaders not to attend the Oslo dinner. And because of the immense power China has over the world's economy, it is very likely that those countries that are "eager for business" will not take part in "this political game".
It seems to me that this author is criticizing a lot of people. China is, in his opinion, suppressing human rights by not releasing Liu Xiaobo. Western leaders, such as James Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy, have to bow to China for the sake of their economy. It's as if the Chinese Communist Party resembles the Nazis.
To me, this article merely shows how hypocritical the westerners are. If they really put the human rights issue as their top priority, as they always claim, then why not just boycott China? Why not cut off their relationship with China as a protest of the so-called "abuse of human rights"? Because they can't! They have to deal with their economy problems before they can have any mood to join the "let's kick the Chinese out of earth" team.
This proves that in any country human right is nothing compared with money. This is harsh, but true. Then how can one blame China for imprisoning Liu, even if this really involves any "abuse of human rights"? Releasing him would most likely cause political instability which could take China's economy all the way back to the 1960s. No one could or should risk this. In fact, what the Chinese government has chosen to do is perfectly reasonable and helpful.
Surely you can talk about human rights any time you want when you are just this little guy whose main job is to write articles to feed himself. I completely understand. If you did not act as if you are a big supporter of human rights, who will read your article or pay you? But let's face it, if you were a leader of any country, you would only be able to come out with stupid plans by all the time talking about human rights instead of the economy.

The probable direction I should follow in NTU

2010-11-04T23:23:00.000+08:00

...That I may never have a solution to. But I'd say I'm starting to figure out how to reduce my anxiety now. I should work as hard as I can, just to be responsible for myself, for I may never have another opportunity to learn as an undergraduate. As for how the grading system would judge me, that's something I cannot control, and therefore something I should care less for...

Take my life away

2010-11-02T21:57:00.000+08:00

这几天看见什么都烦。在熬了无数夜考了各种试之后，依然没有一件事让我满意。昨晚为了那个对我来说难以理解的vector in geometry 和 vector in coordinate system，我盯着书一直看到早上5点。于是被我妈骂。是的，我是没有学习技巧。昨晚最应该做的是做几道题然后洗洗睡了。我犯了两个致命错误，钻牛角尖和熬夜。能说什么的？学习技巧到底TMD是什么？如果我做的事情都是错误的，那拜托了，让我被车撞死吧，让我被高空坠物砸死吧。如果我这种思想模式真的是TMD大错特错的话，那么上帝你能不能赶快把我从这世界删除了？何必让我活得如此累？然后看着一帮活着比我轻松的人从我身边走过，轻描淡写的告诉我，谁让你思维方式错误了呢？为什么你们的就是对的我的就是错的？凭什么考试总青睐你们的思维方式，而鄙视我的想法？
我受够了。Why live in this world as such a big big mistake? 老天爷，你看着我这么劳累地活着觉得好笑吗？你看着我和这个世界格格不入没有人能理解我你很舒服么？难道你让我出生的唯一原因就是想把我当一个笑话看吗？如果是这样，take my life away, would you? I don't want to live like this! I just want a simple life, that's all!

活着很累

2010-10-31T10:26:00.000+08:00

真的是很累。Calculus还没怎么搞懂，Programming就杯具了。不但在Midterm栽了跟头，Lab session拿到的分数也是低的难以想象。已经这么差了，还能怎么样？
But I can't give up. I've just got to face the obstacles and try to overcome them. That's so hard. My time is so limited everyday and I have tons of stuff to finish. I have troubles in catching up with most of the courses, and yet I am not practicing enough. Somehow I have to make a choice between how much sleep and how much study to sacrifice.

Life is all about struggles. I can't seem to make it out.

对不起

2010-10-16T23:01:00.002+08:00

我想说对不起，因为我一直把错误归咎于你。我像一个更年期妇女一样，自己幻想一大堆的事情，然后谴责这个世界不按照我幻想的来，谴责你打破我的梦。
其实你没错，你很好的。你主动了解我，虽然是暂时的，但是很少有人会对我这么友好的。所以我对你有好感，不是你的错。
可是我被空虚蒙蔽了，我想要的东西太多了，我开始抱怨周围的人为什么不理解我，为什么不给我我想要的。我是如此的得寸进尺，我的想法是如此的幼稚而自我，我甚至都没去想想自己的动机是什么？做这件事的意义又是什么？
于是我不理智的删掉了MSN，我想象自己是个决绝的失恋少女。可笑吧？可是我真的这么想过，我总是把自己想象成可怜而受伤的形象，唉，亏我一直以为自己心智成熟呢，其实我无比幼稚。周围的人劝我别这么做，可是我总是觉得他们不是我所以不理解我，我觉得这世界只有我在支撑我自己。
其实我错了，我可笑的错了。如果我自己都不清楚我想要什么，我又怎么能要求你做出任何回应？我从来都没有做出足够的努力去了解你，又如何能要求你了解我？即使我说我喜欢你，那也只是一种暂时的好感，如果我对你都没有足够深的感情，我又如何能理直气壮的要求你对我做出一个回复？在我不断埋怨你不把我当一回事儿的时候，我是否真的付出过很多呢？
如果答案是否定的，那我只能说，我真的很可笑，总想不付出就得到收获。
更重要的问题是，我可以付出么？我有那个立场付出么？如果我付出了的话，我有勇气负责任么？
我不可以只是为了填补空虚而找一个人，也不可以只是想找个依靠。我一向都是想找一个我可以接受他的一切，并且他也可以接受我的一切的人。现在是这样吗？不是的，因为我不了解你，我不知道自己可不可以接受你的一切，所以我连追你的立场都没有。我不该拿感情当儿戏。我不该想当然。
综上所述，我现在唯一有权利做的事，就是在你的能承受的范围之内，慢慢的了解你，慢慢的搞清楚自己的想法。我不知道一周之内天天在MSN上找你聊是否为你带来了困扰。你应该是很忙的，忙学业，忙活动，忙休息。也许你已经给我过暗示了，但很明显，迟钝的我没有看出来。今天我一上线，你就下线了。你再一次上线时，就立刻下了，不知道是不是因为看到我在线。我老弟听我说了这些后说我特别多疑。是的，我真的很多疑。
现在我告诉你，我决定以后只在周四找你说话，毕竟周四打完游戏能轻松点吧。其余时间，我不能再烦你了，而且说实话，我每天要找一个无聊话题和你搭讪，也是很头疼的。
如果每周一次还是太多的话，那么希望我想你可能以后周四都不会上线了。哈哈，如果真这样，放心吧。I can take the hint.
我想说，我这么做，是因为我真的觉得你是很好很好的人，我对你有好感，所以我想了解你的想法，想离你近一些。但是我不会再有任何要求了。还是那句话，我都没有勇气负任何责任，怎么能苛求你？我不会再把自己弄得可怜兮兮然后把错误推在你身上，然后不断的纠结是否要把你从我的Contact List上移除了。
其实我写这么多，根本就不关你的事。就算我把错误算在你头上又如何？就算我删除了你又如何？你可能会冷笑三声然后对我说"I don't even care"。我很清楚，因为整篇文章都不关你的事，是我在劝我自己怎样用一种less self-centered view来梳理我自己的感情。你应该对此文一笑置之。可是，如果你万一介意我曾经这么自私的想过你的话，那么请接受我的道歉：真的对不起，整件事都是我的错。你是一个好人，是我在这所学校的第一个曾经愿意了解我的好人。

Just as what Rachel Greene would say,

2010-10-16T13:04:00.002+08:00

I am over you, and that, my friend, is what they call closure.
And that means, my friend, I am so totally okay with being a normal acquaintance of yours.

Day 1

2010-10-16T00:06:00.002+08:00

搭讪之后比其先下线！
下线之后果断删掉touch里的MSN messenger！
我的确是太自我，太过激了。说真的，人家不喜欢我也不需要这样决裂吧。
但是老弟说我没问题！他觉得我这样挺好的！！
他觉得我好，我就好！
在木有聊天工具的情况下，明天应该会更上一层楼！
真是，明明这么猥琐，装什么淑女啊。
就算再想哭再舍不得，我也要往前走！

只是浮云

2010-10-14T23:44:00.003+08:00

我很累我很累我真的很累。我以后再也不挂MSN了。我不想等人了我太累太累太累了。既然没交集，何必勉强？

2010-10-09T21:19:00.001+08:00

我希望，当所有人都放弃我的时候，你还能在这里陪着我。

我特别烦

2010-10-08T23:58:00.002+08:00

我每天都有能力把自己搞得很烦躁。我不知道为什么。

其实我一直以来都想让自己坚强点的。坚强点坚强点。别这么容易烦躁别这么容易受伤。可是我头脑中的东西太多了。我想有更多的时间学习，我也想找些事填补空虚。我想让所有的麻烦事都一扫而光。我想让这个世界不要这么乱，不要这么充满火药味。但是可能吗？

今天我清醒的意识到了三件事。一，我不应该再纠缠别人不放。我应该学会适应不再在msn上等人；二，其实我很渺小，我什么都不是，我对这个世界的种种看法都只能被我一个人所接受，根本没有第二个人可以理解；三，不管以前多么傻逼，现在我弥补的唯一方式就是不断的学习，学习，学习。

一直以来我不知道我在等什么。我就是期待着某些事会发生，我把自己太当回事儿了。任何一件事情在我想来都会变得极为复杂。我不断的猜测不断的怀疑不断的推翻自己的一个又一个看法。我让别人的种种情绪主宰了我自己的生活。这太可怕，我太懦弱。别人真的是无意的，为什么我要想那么多？为什么为什么为什么？如果他能不在乎，为什么我不能?我想我要硬性的来切断我和一切影响我情绪的因素的联系了。我要把你们从我的情感中剔除出去，我要学会凌驾于自己。

我也要适应有不同声音存在着的这个社会。真的,请认清自己的目标。我是来学习的。真的。我要对得起我的父母，对得起生我养我的人。

我这样渺小，可能我会像杂草一样生活着，可能我会自生自灭。我真的不知道我的结局是什么，我也猜不出来。

今天晚上和昨天晚上一样，特别难受。明天应该会好点吧？

2010-10-07T23:00:00.002+08:00

我讨厌这种等待的感觉。为什么让我等？为什么偏偏在我需要的时候不出现？为什么我这么容易胡思乱想？为什么人生能有这么多次的错过？为什么为什么？有希望才会有失望。

继续淡定

2010-10-05T16:17:00.003+08:00

He's just a good guy. That's all.
I promise you things will get better along the way, as nothing would get worse than now.
Am I that irritating?
:( Sigh...

Still I hope someone cares, just like the logistic manager who wanted to kill himself in Friends

2010-09-29T21:13:00.002+08:00

总是平白无故的.难过起来
然而大伙都在笑话正是精彩
怎么好意思.一个人走开

不是没有想过.随便谈个恋爱
一天又过一天.三十岁就快来
往後的日子怎麽对自己交待

寂寞难耐,寂寞难耐
爱情是最辛苦的等待
爱情是最遥远的未来
时光不再啊.时光不再
只有自己为自己喝采
只有自己为自己悲哀

虽然曾经有过很多感情的债
对於未来的爱还是非常期待
这一次我的心情不高不低不好不坏

寂寞难耐,寂寞难耐
爱情是最辛苦的等待
爱情是最遥远的未来
时光不再啊.时光不再
只有自己为自己喝采
只有自己为自己悲哀

我不后悔

2010-09-28T21:20:00.002+08:00

因为遇见了遇见了某些人，因为开始了新生活。

淡定

2010-09-24T20:25:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I think I am amazing at ignoring the surrounding. Apparently I succeeded again tonight. I feel quite sad, in fact, that while I am sitting here wasting time alone, my favorite senior is most enjoying himself. Well, I really shouldn't wonder, because this is what I am good at. Being in a party and let everyone feel as if I wasn't there at all.

But I am not complaining. I have for a very long time learnt to enjoy moments like this. You know, it is good to spend some time to organize my thoughts. Plural? I asked myself with amusement. This is the question that Chandler asked Joey in one episode of Friends. Do I have thoughts? I wonder. But I certainly know how to entertain myself at the right time. I learn to feel peaceful. This is a big improvement for me, really.

Still I hope someone would care. Not that I am so desperate for a man, I think I just need someone to make me feel good about myself at all time. It could be just a friend, as long as he or she makes me feel good. But it is a little hard right? Because even my parent would not be able to stay with me at all time to boost my confidence. I am asking for too much, I know. It is silly to ask someone to give you confidence. It is really my problem. I have to find that strength within me and boost it myself. I really should.

I remember somebody once told me that if I don't change at all, I will never be able to find a boyfriend. Well let's just say that I finally decide to give up. I don't want to get all needy and clingy. Or to be more exact, I need to force myself to stop being so needy and insecure.

There's something within me that this world cannot touch. It is the strength I have yet to discover. Sometimes when I am alone and I starting thinking how hard it is to live in this world, I would want to back out. But I know that strength is supporting me. I know I could go much further than I have been.

世态炎凉

2010-09-23T23:18:00.002+08:00

当你最需要人帮助的时候，有多少人会不顾手上的事情马上跑过来帮你呢？
最近活得很游离。人多的时候总感觉自己像空气。比如今天CCA开什么general meeting，我还屁颠儿屁颠儿跑过去了，结果基本上被所有人无视，一个人在房间里穿来穿去找不到自己的位置，在尴尬的笑了一个多小时后终于一个人狼狈的离开了。我看着蓝墨水一样的天空，突然就特别想哭，于是打电话给小尚子，于是就狠狠发泄了一番。当时我只想唱”浮夸“。
yy过来需要租房子，我一个女生去看房子觉得有点危险，但是再怎么找也找不到第二个人了。你说什么叫友谊呢？在一起4年的校友算不算友谊呢？可是拒绝就是拒绝，都不需要second thoughts.
人与人估计是没有日久生情这一说的吧，在一起的时间长短与感情的深浅也不成正比吧。我活了20年，认识了那么多人，到底真的有赴汤蹈火在所不辞的朋友么？
记得自己曾写过一篇文章，说君子之交淡如水。人与人之间交往，的确是不该有任何前提，不该对对方有任何要求的。我应该还无法达到君子的高度，所以在被所有人拒绝之后，我感到很悲哀。没有人帮我的感觉的确是挺杯具的。这就是社会吧，每个人在保证自己的利益的情况下，闲来无聊也许愿意装装上帝。可是利益仍然是排第一位的。
也许因为我是完美主义者吧，社会在我眼里总是如此不堪，所以我懒的去交流，因为很可能我费了九牛二虎之力交来的朋友会在我最需要帮助时抛弃我。这很恐怖，真的很恐怖。与其费尽心力，不如顺其自然，让命运帮我找几个朋友。
我的作文水平真的是无可救药了。

Unapproachable

2010-09-09T21:55:00.003+08:00

Someone described me as "unapproachable". This seems like the word that could describe me the best, but still I don't feel comfortable.

People keep telling me that I have to be flexible and make lots of friends now, otherwise I would not succeed when I go into the society. How do you do it? How do you make lots of "friends"? It is not that I have a harsh criteria for friends, just that I don't feel comfortable initiating a talk with a total stranger, when there is not even a project or a theme to start with.

All my fellow students are powerful talkers, and being near them makes me feel weird. A kind of feeling of inferiority, I think. Isn't it weird, that I feel inferior even if I seem to be convinced that being myself is undoubtedly the right way for me. I guess it is because I am not that convinced after all. I'm so full of contradictions.

Okay, stop this sad tone please. Just picture myself surrounded by my family and my real friends. They are the only people who make me feel calm and peaceful, as if I am living in a world without fake laughs, awkward conversations and stressful competitions. I hate the environment here. However, I believe there must always be a away out, I really do. Those who love me are always with me. I can feel the love. I'll be strong. I'll do everything I can to survive in this god-damned environment.

New Term Resolution

2010-09-05T12:59:00.002+08:00

多读书，不再emo，不再发表emo的日志。多去看看孔老师的博客。

如何完整的生存在这个世界中？

2010-09-05T00:57:00.002+08:00

Recently I always have this feeling that my life is incomplete.

Is it, really?

I miss the fun I have had with my friends. YY and Seraph are in China now. It seems the only friend I have here is LX, to whom I can't tell certain things.

Maybe a lot of people are experiencing this transition now. But to them this may be only a short-term thing. Soon they'll make new friends and have new fun. But could I, ever?

I know I am jealous of those who did manage to get into accountancy. I missed my chance, and I was never able to change the outcome of that god-damned interview. I had performed poorly and let myself down. But these were not the worst. What hurts me the most is the fear I have over math. Could I ever do well in it?

Could I ever make another friend in this campus? Will I be allowed to stay in hostel for the next 3 years?

I am full of doubts.

德国队输了

2010-07-08T04:45:00.000+08:00

我真的很难受很难受。这是我唯一完整看完的一场比赛，也是让我泪流满面的一场比赛。巴熊熊并没有在场边，否则如果让我看到他的表情，我大概都睡不好吧。
如果不是因为他，我也许都不会关注德国队。下届世界杯，应该不会再有熊和克洛泽了。现实就是如此残酷。年轻的德国队还有机会，但是老将如熊，就真的要带着遗憾了。

噩梦

2010-04-16T09:29:00.001+08:00

昨晚梦见我必须再上一遍华中，我在梦里又哭又喊。天哪，这估计是个抹不去的黑色记忆。

Not a happy time

2010-04-14T23:38:00.003+08:00

I have no job, neither do I have any offer. Everyday I just stay home, eat and sleep. I called mum just now and cried. I did not know why. All my problems are created by myself.

I have no idea what my future will be like. I know I will work harder, though. After being rejected by lots of companies, I see where I stand. I have neither fabulous experience nor stellar grade. I see people around me getting great offers but I myself am stuck here and I still have to go to that NTU interview and write a piece of essay about my ambition, while my real dream is to become a counselling psychologist.

Fear of the unknown, again. It's purely ridiculous. I have the will to work hard so why fear? But I can't control my feelings.

Midnight again. Continue tomorrow.

矛盾与纠结

2010-03-23T11:43:00.001+08:00

我想学心理学。我根本没兴趣知道会计学是什么，也不想去搞什么金融。可是我没有钱，没有学完心理学的资本。我不知道该如何是好。

就这样，我就要面对大学了。

2010-03-05T22:38:00.000+08:00

萌萌，你刚刚坐上火车，而我已经开始想你了。

和你在一起是那么快乐。三个月的假期里，让我最怀念的日子，就是和你看电影的那天。我们看着Barbara Novak美丽的公寓，我告诉你我们以后也要住这样的房子。多美的梦想。多希望有一天，我可以决定自己的步伐，可以真的和你在一起。到时候，你会不会有别的更好的朋友？会不会有了男朋友就不要我了？

日子一天天的过去，我发现我可以抓住的东西很少很少。世界这么大，而我只想和父母，和你在一起。只有你们能让我发现自己的价值。

明天我也要回新加坡了，去那里打工。等着吧，我很可能又要半夜给你打电话哭鼻子了。然后我要选专业，我要报大学。然后，我们可能就4年都见不了面了。

我要加油，你也要加油。虽然这次成绩令人失望，但是我会重振旗鼓，勇敢地坚持下去，改正自己的错误。路还很长，尽管我仍然很迷茫，我必须现在开始探索。

我真的很想很想和你住在那栋美丽的房子里。我想你。

Overwhelming fear

2010-01-31T21:11:00.001+08:00

It is irritating that I have to use this foreign proxy to log in to my log. I've been home for almost 2 months, and I have successfully done nothing. Well everyday I just eat, watch TV, eat again, watch TV again, and sleep. Life is kind of boring, and there is little thing that I can look forward to.

However, at some level, I am afraid of the near future. I have to face my results in March, and I really have no confidence. They say the unknown makes people afraid. That is damned true. Imagine a month later I have to go back to Hwa Chong to collect my results...I may even tremble when I get hold of the result slip. It is damned frightening.

But I've got to face it by myself. Yes. Whatever the result is, I have to accept it and move on with life. I don't know whether that is easy, but that is possible, and definite.

At this age, well, I think about a lot of things. Career, job, major, love, boyfriend...all mixed together. Whenever I see those unhappy marriages on TV, I wonder if that might happen to me. Whenever I pass by some poor people who have to beg for money on streets, my heart twitches, partly because I feel sorry for them, and partly because I am really uncertain of my future. Will I really earn enough money? Can I get a job? Will any firm hire someone like me? Am I going to be successful? The truth is, I don't even know what major I shall choose in university. I mean, at this age I just have to face a great deal of uncertainties which I hate. Yes. Uncertainty makes me nervous and afraid of the coming days. It really does.

I gotta face everything alone. I know my friends and family will be supporting me but I have to learn to face things alone, however I hate to do that. I think maybe I really need to grow up. People learn from pain and tears.

I am really a coward, aren't I? God please give me some strength. The result, the future. I must learn to fix things by myself. The worst possible outcome is that I kill myself. Then I don't have to deal with any of these at all. I don't know. I really do not know myself well. Am I mature enough to face my life bravely, or will I just take the shortcut to the end of my life?

No. I think I would rather endure the pain of life. At least I know some people will always be there for me. I really do need their support. Oh god life is hard! Why is it planned this way? Why couldn't it be easier on me?

I can't wait for the result to come.

The end

2009-12-06T22:34:00.001+08:00

想想明天就要回国了。今天去office check out的时候，人家告诉我我的卡要被deactivate了，我还小愣了一下。回想起来，我在这个鬼地方住了四年，刷卡刷了四年。可是明天早上我再出了那个门，就再也刷不进来了。

倒不是伤感。这里的伙食啊，真是伤感不起来。可是四年就这么完了，还是有点回不过神来。考试的时候觉得时间过的怎么这么慢啊，现在觉得其实是太快了一点。（不知道是不是我没有认真复习的缘故。。。）

第一年我一直在哭啊喊啊，第二年倒是最不错的一年，第三年第四年我的生活就真的很单调了。新民里我最emo，以前我也接受这个评价，现在却很困惑。越长大，越发现自己不懂自己。

我一直很想成为冰莹那样的女生，不需要用特别过人的分数或者特别美丽的外表来吸引别人（也是因为我真的没有）。最后我却觉得自己很滑稽。不知道为什么，也许是自卑心理在作祟？总觉得自己很奇怪，尤其是上了JC。这也许是为什么我喜欢和新民人hang out吧，和他们在一起我经常会忘了我想成为的那种身份。四年之后我总算发现我永远不可能成为她。

有的时候，一个人走路，我总是想，我能不能越走越小，最后化为乌有？我嘻嘻哈哈打打闹闹，有时声音大吼一吼。我快19岁的人了，被别人认成是考O level的，那人还惊奇的看着我说你这么小就考O level啊。别人说我穿衣服不成熟说话不成熟长相更是幼稚至极。这也许是为什么我时不时就提醒别人其实我思想真的很成熟。我觉得我比LX成熟因为我觉得他的思路很幼稚，我还很不能理解这些朋友这么熟了怎么就没发现我的内涵呢？最后我想成熟是个什么东西，凭什么我要变成熟，为什么成熟不能变成我。

当然这只是赌气话。内心里我还是想变成熟，变成冰莹那种说几句话就能让人倾倒的人。

今天拉LX来帮我提东西。其实整个过程中我觉得以前的我肯定能找到N个发火摔东西的理由，但我竟然都忍住了。我还是长大了点，尽管还不算成熟。我一直在疑惑，同样一件事为什么我可以这么想别人可以那么想。唉，如果我真的学了psychology，是不是就可以弄懂这些问题？

我本来想把日志发在校内，最后还是觉得奇怪。每次在校内写英文，就怕被人鄙视。每次更新状态和日志，就发现我其实特别把自己的私生活告诉别人，让别人知道，让别人评价，成为别人生活中的一部分，以此来满足自己的不知道是怎样的心态。这个想法让我感到害怕，因为他让我感觉自己像个做戏的，但我又有冲动让别人了解我。纠结啊纠结。这到底是什么在作祟？

其实我很desperate。YY同学说我是因为我没有安全感。这又是为什么呢？为什么别人有我没有呢？到底是我成长中的哪个方面使我成为了今天的我，而不是另一个冰莹？不要告诉我有特色才是美的废话。我就是自卑，我就是羡慕别人。为什么我是这样的呢？看了我的这么多问号，我发现我很有学PSYCHOLOGY的潜质。

可是我又胆小。这一点也和冰莹相反。我见到陌生人只能互相问好，然后就是沉默，可怕的沉默。要我去向谁表个白不如罚我跑2400。可是就是这样的我，J1那年还是在网上和ZRY同学表白了，并且在考BT 1 的时候不怕死的聊QQ聊到半夜。最后还惨遭拒绝。这是不是说，往往看上去最不可能的人会做最出乎意料的事情？这难道真的是因为我很喜欢他？可不可能只是我潜意识里想表白一次，于是就这么做了？但理智难道也就真的一点不剩了？把复习都抛在脑后了？

我发现我在很无聊的解释自己都搞不懂的问题。

那我以后会不会结婚？是不是每个人都会碰到一个对的人？我也不知道。如果有人喜欢我，那他为什么喜欢我呢？真的会把我这一身的缺点当宝看？Again，人与人的思想，怎么就这么这么这么的不一样呢？（我一定要学psychology）

我真的不知道这篇文章怎么写到这儿来了。我本来是想发发牢骚，感慨一下让我心绪不宁的A Level，以及我的US uni applications的。

最近每天check n 次email。一直等Brown的邮件，我自己想象过无数次如果被reject怎么办。在我的脑海里其实被reject是极为意料之中的，所以我猜我会很calm地接受结果。可是想象就是想象，要是真的杯具了，我会怎么办呢？

前几天被A Level打击。好不容易缓过神来了，又被LX的同学那句"你报的学校全是dream schools"所打击。其实我有想到过全聚德的，理智虽然告诉我可能性不低，但是这个信息一直被我的身体里的一些东西压着抬不起头来。但是真的有人说出来是，好似我的理智被奋力一推，直冲主导地位，让我本来不平静的心灵。。。更加不平静。明年要租房子，要找工作，要这个要那个，真的好麻烦。我最怕麻烦，麻烦喜欢我。

最后我还是想，坚持我一贯的作风，问一声，到底我来这个世界干什么来了？

Everything is over

2009-12-01T02:13:00.002+08:00

I need a new start. I need a new life.

Everything I am doing is confusing me. What am I writing this for? What am I communicating with others for? What am I studying for?

Suddenly my whole life becomes a joke. It is now 2 am in the morning and I don't know where my future lies. I want to give up but I can't, because I have to be responsible as a daughter and as a friend. But who the hell created all the responsibilities? I'm a girl, a student, a friend and a daughter and so what? I have too many questions here but all I can do is follow whatever rules written by others, when I don't even care about them. And now 18 years after I was born, I still don't have a direction. I don't have a goal. My life is boring but everybody tells me that yes that's what you have to go through because this is life. It's about roles and responsibilities. Winners are those who can survive after fulfilling all their duties. So, I am a loser. I have no inter-personal skills. I have no sophisticated brain. I'm not considerate enough.

What if I say I don't want to follow orders? I don't care about all those rules. My life is mine and I can finish it whenever I want. I want to at least set up a goal for myself, a goal that I would really want to work towards, a goal that is not "created by this society and accepted by me". Why do I feel that everything is just so not real? I can give myself up anytime but I still have love from my friends and my family and so I have to carry on.

What is really the meaning of my life? Seriously, please tell me before I lose my clear mind tomorrow, before I go and join others in meaningless activities. My life is never really in my hand. It lies in the opinion of this society.

I don't even want a tomorrow.

沉痛

2009-11-21T02:17:00.002+08:00

好像一切都不太对劲儿。
好像从来没有这么考过试。
这是最重要的一次不是吗？
还是被我答得七零八落。

我想不管现在多么茫然，
浪费了多少生命，
都还是要坚持下去。
过了这一段时间，
会找到自己的。

如果真的需要这些代价的话，
那么我只能付出。

I really need to type something tonight

2009-11-15T00:27:00.002+08:00

I didn't review anything today. I went for a Brown Interview this morning, and my performance was...quite disappointing. I forgot to mention lots of important things (How could I even forget? Faint!)

However, I do like the interview. It was more a conversation than a interview. My interviewer is nice and it was pleasant talking to him. But the problem is, the more I learn about Brown, the more I love it, and the more I want to get admitted.

This is so not what I have planned. My original proposal was to just apply some schools and try my luck. The worst result would be to go to NUS. But now, nothing is going according to the plan. I have fallen in love with Brown. Everything about Brown seems perfect to me (quite expected), but I, on the other hand, is extremely ordinary compared to the large pool of excellent students applying Brown.

I could still remember the days when I rushed to complete my essays. I have written over 10 drafts for 2 essays. I asked the help of my friends, my juniors and my teachers. Although no teacher would vet it for me in the end, I still loved those two essays. But me loving it is clearly not enough. Brown must love it, too.

I enjoyed the process, actually. I enjoyed hanging around in College Confidential and CUUS, going over those old threads,admiring all those Niu people who received their dream offers,but also learned from those people who carried on despite of some disappointing rejects.

I learned about US universities, and was fascinated by the curriculum and philosophy of Liberal Arts Educations. I learned about Brown's open curriculum, its lack of frat life, its focus on passion and interest in learning. Then I suddenly realized Brown is just the ideal university I have always been wanting to go to. I became excited, and at the same time, worried. She only admitted a small percent of the large applicants pool, and the chance of me being one of those admitted is low. Truly, I have no fantastic GPA, no fantastic SAT scores, no good leadership experience. But I keep telling myself I have passion and my own goal. So I should go and have a try. At first I really thought it would be just a try. But after all those research, all those essay writing time, I became more and more clear about what I want. Brown has become my dream school. Although I know my chance is low, I do not want to mess up any part of my application.

Still I made some huge mistakes. I didn't do well in prelim. I didn't do well in interview. And at this time I am already not able to comfort myself by saying "it is okay the worst is to go to NUS." I want to go to Brown. I know there are lots of people, many of whom are better than me, out there who think the same. Everyone wants go to a great university.

The more I try, the more hopeful I become, and the more I fear failures.

Now I even wonder whether NUS would be my safety option. After all, I did not really prepare well for A levels. There is a chance I may lose on both sides. What is happening? My plan used to be just write something for the application and then concentrate on A levels. But I went astray, completely. Am I just being silly? Am I just someone who doesn't even know where she stands? Is it just a dream that I may go to Brown someday?

I know that if I could not get this chance, I would never go to Brown again. After all I cannot choose Brown for my graduate program. I try to convince myself that not every wish would come true. Things don't happen just because you wish them to happen. But still I hope I can get into Brown. Maybe I am too hopeful? I don't know.

The interview is not good enough.And my A level is...at stake. I know clearly now what I need to do. I need to put Brown aside and concentrate on my exam. I have messed up the last stage of my application process, and there is just nothing more I can do. I know I love Brown, but why not spend my time doing something more useful, instead of thinking about this again and again?

I feel so much better now that I have written my feelings out. Still, I could not believe that I forgot to mention Blogging today. What was I thinking?

Just carry on. Be hopeful, but be ready for the worst results.

Brown Interview 有感

2009-11-14T14:30:00.000+08:00

只能说，杯具啊。
我们约在某家咖啡厅。对方91年毕业的，大概40多岁吧。
问题大致如下：
1. Why do you come to Singapore?
2. What’s your intended major and why?
3. Why do you choose Brown?
4. What do you do outside school?
5. What is your extra-curricular activity in school?
6. What student organizations do you want to join in Brown?
然后就让我问他问题。我问了下比较standard的，比如why did you choose Brown and how has Brown changed you? 最后十分冷场啊，我就硬着头皮又多问了些问题，什么how is Brown’s graduate program?和Are there many strange people in Brown? 结尾的时候还问他 Life in US must be more exciting than life in Singapore right?
我觉得我最大的败笔就是准备不充分，回答不focus。像很多问题比如说major啦都是可以事先想一想的。可是我就直接去了！！我应该阐述自己来新加坡的心理变化，以及为什么因此想学psychology。最后发现自己好像只谈了来新加坡后问题多么严重啊之类的，感觉大部分都是negative的东西。哭！！！
当我说喜欢Brown的individuality时，我想说自己不喜欢太多social life，但是我觉得我表达有问题，我自己说出来的时候，怎么听怎么感觉像在说我比较antisocial不喜欢和人交流。而且我是最后才意识到的。
剩下的问题回答得都特别superficial，基本没details。人家问你喜欢什么，我就说唱歌看电影啊。然后，冷场。我竟然没有说我喜欢blogging。唱歌看电影，这是什么爱好啊？！
而且我还不够interactive。他说话的时候我一句话都没差，就直愣愣的听他说，然后在他说完的时候笑一下，感觉特别不认真。
我们提到了UCB，然后他说和brown 很相似，我就说“真的吗？我觉得除了brown是unique之外，别的学校都差不多”。回想起来，好像在拍马屁啊。
我去之前在街头捐了个款，人家给我衣服领子上贴了张像商标的sticker，我竟然忘了取下来。结果我整个interview里带着那张醒目的商标，一直到回家才发现。
反正小问题层出不穷，就不罗嗦了。准备要interview的孩子们加油啊。MS我的Brown梦里我又远了一步。

What do they want? Truth? Unrest? Riots?

2009-07-11T10:56:00.001+08:00

I guess it upsets The Economist journalists when "public support for the armed forces, which was badly damaged in 1989, appears to have rebounded." They must not want this to happen, because in their opinion, why should there still be people supporting the armed force who were responsible for the 1989 Tiananmen Square Incident? They want the Communist Party to be overthrown. They want a "democratic China", because they've been under democracy all along so they think we need it too. They wonder how we survive under this "totalitarian" government. Could they be any stupider?

I'm enraged when they describe the deadly earthquake in Sichuan Province as "a gift to party propagandist". What a pity it is that they have never experienced this earthquake. If they did, they might learn the meaning of "shutting up".

What is it that they're not pleased with? The growth of China? The unity of Chinese people? They always wish some riots could happen, so that their theory would be proven true. They use "truth" as a pretence of their true intention. What the hell is "truth"? Who on earth has the right to decide everybody must want the truth? Seriously, can they promise that they have never lied in their entire lives? I guess they prefer a huge circulation of magazines to the stability of Chinese society. I can't believe some people would be silly enough to believe what they say. They are only foreigners who are only interested in profits and their so-called "advanced ideas". Should we blindly criticize the government for some stupid " we want truth" sentiments stirred up by idiots?

I was raised in China. My parents got jobs and I was able to go to school. We are not rich. I learnt history in China so I knew the Communists rescued China from the hands of the evil Westerners. I would support the Communist Party instead of trusting some westerners only for that. I don't really require truth for this Tiananmen Square Incidents. Why "the truth"? because all those famous people who are dead have said that truth is the most important thing in the world? There's nothing such as right or wrong. At least I believe so. I can proudly tell others that I'm a Chinese, and simply for this I would trust the government's ability to make a wise decision. Maybe the truth will be revealed, only not now. Maybe it never will be. I think when the westerners are criticizing our government, they never really think of the consequences. What if there'll be any riots? Any increase in the number of anti-government idiots? What if the order of the society is threatened? Maybe they just want these to happen. They use "moral pressure" to achieve their evil objectivs, so that they'll have more to write, more circulation of the paper and more money to earn. I guess there are just few decent people in the world.

Gladiator--This is Russell Crowe

2009-07-03T22:52:00.001+08:00

I knew Russell Crowe first from " A Beautiful Mind". I watched it three times to fully appreciate how fatally attractive he is. I know he is handsome at first sight, although it did take me a long time before I accepted that "Jennifer Connelly is a beauty."

Then I watched " Cinderella Man". Russell does not simply act. He is virtually talking with his eyes. There's something characteristic about the way he speaks, although I don't think I can really describe it. His pronuciation sounds casual, but always brings the character out of him. When I watch him in a movie, I never feel it's Russell Crowe playing. I'd say "this character is so like Russell Crowe". He owns every character he plays. They are different, yet similar in some fundemental ways.

He starred in "Proof of Life" with Meg Ryan. I love the movie, especially the last scene, when he told Meg softly," You've got a plane to catch". His eyes was enough to reveal his inner and restrained passion for Meg, not to mention how uniquely his voice emphasized the emotion. But in real life they didn't get together. Although Meg Ryan abandoned her family for Russell, things didn't really work out.

The Gladiator got him his Oscar Best Actor Award. Maximus, once a general in Rome and appointed by Caesar Marcus Aurelius as his successor, was persecuted by Caesar Commodus Aurelius--son of Marcus Aurelius, his wife and son burned and nailed. Later he became a slave and then a gladiator, who made his way to Colosseum and killed the new emperor there.

An epic of a hero, a real commander, whose charisma, even after having become a slave, never faded. It was an impressive scene when he commanded the other gladiators and defeated the people in gold armours ( I didn't really get what they were). He acted as if he was back on battleground again. It made no difference whether he was a slave or a general, as he always was a hero. Strength and honor were what he represented. Wisdom, justice, fortitude, temperance, he owned them all. It was never easy to be a hero, however. A hero's life was full of blood and struggle, when all Maximus ever wanted was just family and love.

In the end, when he finally closed his eyes, he returned to his beloved family, in the afterlife.

The supporting characters are also great. On that night when Maximus attempted to escape, Proximo, who hated Caesar Marcus Aurelius for keeping him away from the Colosseum, decided to sacrifice himself to help Maximus. He had always thought himself as shadow and dust. But the determination he had shown proved himself a hero,too. All other gladiators fought hard against the army which was coming for Maximus. Cicero, the faithful follower, and Maximus's army, were all so loyal to Maximus that they could overthrow their new commmander at any time just at Maximus's order. What are these people then? Heroes, with strengh and honor! They proved to the audience that Rome was, afterall, not a empire of mobs (although it did strike me when all the audience cheered as people were being killed. They saw killing as a form of entertainment.) They were the very reason why Rome grew so strong (I hope i've made less historical errors than grammatical errors)

I don't love him less because he got fat. I love him because he is Russell Crowe.

与高考同学书

2009-06-09T00:18:00.000+08:00

其实人生有好多条路的，所以绝对不能被高考这个小东西困死。其实你现在情绪不好，过段时间也会自然明白的。只是我想告诉你，你不是一个人走的。我们都支持你。很多干成大事情的人都没有上过大学，因为大学会把人的思维捆住的。大部分人大学毕业之后就坐办公室而已，不能成为自己的老板。学校教你固定的思维，但却不能教你怎么在社会上成功。我相信，找到自己想做的并且擅长的东西是最重要的，这样你才能全心全力的投入，你才能做好，你才能看得见成绩，自信心才会提高。但是一定不好找。可能你不能像别人那样得过且过的生活，你要付出更多的努力。但是你任何时候的努力都是有用的。如果说高考砸了努力也就没用了，那么你目光就短浅了，你只看到了当学生的这不到20年，而看不到你还有可能的未来的40年，60年。
所以只要你有梦想，你还愿意努力，你永远都不失败。
但并不是说你不想努力就是错的。如果你追求安逸的生活，有份工作有个家庭就好，那也没什么。每个人的追求不同。有的时候平静才是最理想的生活。但是一切一切的基础，都是你现在要接受现实，接受失误。有些人考不好试，这没什么，天生我才必有用。要相信并发觉自己的长处。关键是，如果我们都不觉得自己有用，我们的生命就不再有价值了。生命这东西，你珍惜它它的价值才会节节攀升。
所以你要相信你来这个世界是来发挥一定作用的，只不过你现在还不清楚是什么作用。那就找啊。寻找的过程中，失败两次算什么。很多人一生都在失败，但仍然在不懈努力。这就是生命的价值。如果我们的价值是用高考来衡量的，那么不是太可悲了。
把目光拉远。从咸阳这个小地方往外看，看一下中国，还有很多人是农民没上过学呢，他们也致富了。中国的普通大学有多少啊，总共的学生有多少啊，难道说每个都没前途？再把目光拉远，看非洲，有多少孩子还饱受饥饿呢。他们和我们一样都是人类，为什么他们活不到十几岁就患病死掉了？看越南，很多女生从小就去卖淫接客了，很多年轻女孩为了生活把自己卖到新加坡当老男人的妻子了。她们多么不幸啊。我也觉得她们的决定是错误的。你比她们幸运多少，因为你还是有文化的，你还是可以追梦的。
我想说的是，错误是会犯一大堆的，人生不是止步的。有希望能努力才活得有意义。与其为高考而哭，不如想想你这一生到底想干什么。其实人生是很短的，你不知道明天你会遇见那些事，失去那些人。所以你才更要珍惜今天，从此刻开始努力。我们都成人了，我们该计划自己的人生了。高考是教育部规定的，却不是人生的卡口。生命的伟大在于，我们可以不顾一切的追求，尽管结果不一定和我们预期的一样。
总而言之，用高考来衡量一个人有用没用，是对生命的侮辱。我们应该很努力很努力的去追求，但是不该看重结果，因为看重结果时在贬低生命的价值。每个人有自己的人生观。但依我所见，只有重视过程的人生才会充满满足感，而不是挫败感。与其活得失败，不如重新定义自己。

我心目中的贾梅贾里

2009-06-07T10:14:00.000+08:00

心血来潮的在百度上搜那部女生贾梅的电视剧，结果发现《男生贾里新传》拍出来了，查老师竟然是阮经天演的，介绍上说这部戏是他的09青春偶像剧。无语。

我对偶像剧演员是没什么意见的。我只是觉得他和我心目中的查老师相差甚远。回头想想也是。在那些只有图书没有青春偶像剧的日子里，每个人心中都有他们自己的贾梅贾里。我对这套人物的认识，在我四，五年级刚迷恋上这套书时就定型了。

我心目中的贾里，是个头一米六，带着一副眼镜的机灵小男孩。头发要乱乱的，思维很快。他不是绝对的绅士。他也给洪裳起外号，但最终还是表现得像个男人。也捉弄自己的妹妹，但在他受欺负是一定会保护她。言语中对林晓梅表示不屑，但和美女说话还是挺恭敬的。他对喜欢自己的王小明是友好但又有些无奈的。他研究太阳黑子并且始终认为自己是个除了陈应达之外的天才。整天和鲁智胜混在一起，俩人互相调侃。

我心目中的贾梅，是个可爱善良的小女孩。她的家庭温馨，身上穿着带熊宝宝的裙子，整天在校园里和林晓梅走在一起。她是英语课代表。胡彩蝶很喜欢她整天缠着和她在一起。她觉得自己的哥哥有些自大但还是在必要的时候维护她。她穿着朴素的白裙子去选礼仪女生结果赢了林晓梅。她表演的时候衣服扣子掉了鞋跟也掉了但还是被选进电影里了。她对林第一这个干净的手指修长的男生有好感，可惜这个男生挺自卑，最后就这么转学消失了，我期待的朦胧的感情戛然而止。

其实之后有在《调皮的日子》看到林第一，就是除了看电视是第一其他的都是倒数一的林第一。这里的他似乎比较快乐，没那么多学习带来的自卑感。林第一是我在整套书里除了贾里以外最喜欢的男性角色了。

我心目中的林晓梅，是仗义而维护朋友的。她有时有些大小姐脾气，但她挺善良的，她愿意帮助斑马这种人，也愿意为了王小明跑前跑后。

我心目中的鲁智胜，是一个看着笨笨的但实际也很机灵的小胖子，他抽过烟，被贾里整了以后就戒了。喜欢林晓梅，并且整天傻乎乎的出现在她面前。他春游的时候老鲁对他说，儿子，给你200块钱，到那里吃不习惯就下馆子！

我心目中的陈应达，是个个头小小的，脑袋大大的，瘦弱的整天背着牛皮公文包的男生。一天到晚都在研究学习。他在“孔乙己事件“把去帮他的贾里完全的抛弃了，这点我很气愤。但是在他和鲁智胜一起努力帮助生病的庄静后，我又对他改观了。

我心目中的庄静，是个“如天鹅般娴静的女孩“。考试总和陈应达不相上下。贾里貌似喜欢她。不过这种女生应该没有人不喜欢吧，连林晓梅这种骄傲的人都认可她。印象最深的是她的那句“坚持公平“。

我心目中的张飞飞，是完全的大姐大类型，穿着入时，是“中国千里马文学社“的社长（此社总共有三个人，一个社长两个副社长），写作文爱说“飞飞认为“。她虚荣心强，小姐脾气大。总希望自己是最耀眼的，但她并不坏。

我心目中的张潇洒，是个完全的帅哥，虽然有些小白脸。经常是故事里中出丑搞笑的那一个。

还有很多人物。刘格诗，有点小结巴，但很真诚很热心。肖茹，特立独行的美女。肖林，回答篮球的学生会主席，貌似对林晓梅有意思。王小明，家庭状况复杂，喜欢贾里，每天对他笑三笑。胡彩蝶，和大才子“陈应达“是幼儿园同学，并且声称和他订了娃娃亲。查老师，才华横溢行人物，学识渊博。长的文质彬彬，绝对不是“ 阮经天“那张偶像剧脸，很了解学生。。。

从小学到初中，我把一套5本书不知道啃了多少遍。每个人物都是鲜活的，每个人物都在我这十几年的学子生涯处出现过，书里的人物经典到可以用来分类。

仅以此纪念我的贾梅贾里情结。

To all the people I love. To Seraph.

2009-06-03T12:24:00.001+08:00

我不会说没你活不下去/但没你快乐会少三分之一/我经常损你但其实很喜欢你/恨不得我们24小时粘在一起/

赌气的时候我说不再理你/回家对着镜子练习不在乎你/三天后故意找个话题接近你/彼此心里都暗自欢喜 /

Chorus: 说好以后要做彼此的伴娘/还要做随时可以串门的邻居/大人说这些梦想太过幼稚/但现在我充满了为之拼搏的决心/别人因为我的缺点疏远我/你却会更加努力的帮助我/在他们面前我要高高的抬起头/在你面前我才可以肆意做自己/

没用的我总在孤独时哭泣/庆幸有个盒子里装满了你的信/依赖感太强就不是乖孩子/那说我任性吧也没关系/

笨笨的我和你在一起/总是闯祸也都没关系/因为你看得到我隐藏的光芒/在你心里我无与伦比

Chorus

其实我不会也不想预言未来/因为你让我每分每秒珍惜现在

Ewan McGregor in "Angels and Demons"

2009-06-02T00:10:00.003+08:00

没看过这本书，所以还是相对放心的去看电影了。经验告诉我，从小说改编过来的电影百分之99会被骂。大部分书迷都要求电影完全的忠实原著。但是电影就是电影，一种不同的艺术表现手法。所以一般看过书的人再看电影就会有浪费钱的感觉。幸好我完全是冲着演员去的。

基本上那个女的就是花瓶。没什么用。没什么可以发挥的戏份，当然也看不出此人演技究竟如何。而Tom Hanks，第二次做教授，没什么新意了，当然影帝还是影帝，除了身材够呛以外，整部电影挑不出毛病啊。在图书馆里砸玻璃那场戏挺惊险的。我总是感觉他下一秒就要晕倒了，不过“主角不死定论“告诉我希望就在不远处。结果，玻璃碎了。

最让人惊艳的莫过于Ewan McGregor的the Camerlengo。我在某张海报上看到他的时候就被他的牧师服电到了。真是人长得有型穿什么帅啊。他刚一出场我又被他完美的音色给吸引了。真的是太太太好听了。想当年我刚看完红磨坊的时候，不敢相信那些歌就是他唱的。为什么除了Nick Carter外还有一个人长得如此潇洒音色如此迷人？有那么半年，我每天都会听"Come what may" 和"Your song"。他的声音已经印在我脑海里了。

跑题了。Anyway，这个魅力男声整场戏90%的时间里都看着非常innocent。虽然我一次看见他就凭着我多年看电影的直觉判断出此人会是头号或二号反派人物，但当他正义凛然而有条不紊地告诉密室里的红衣主教们为什么要evacuate时，我觉得他身上充满了一个Pope该有的领袖气质和 insight。于是我的第一个猜测（这个人是Illuminati的卧底）不成立。

然后这个Camerlengo不断帮助Robert Langdon，并且一有机会就给一场关于为什么science 和religion都重要的speech，并且不断承认Catholic Church曾经对Illuminati的屠杀行为是错的。而且他长得太正义了，声音太好听了，眼神太无辜了。每次他被那个老主教以权势欺压时，我是气不打一处来啊。你说这么爱国家爱社会爱宗教的好少年（而且还这么帅）你去哪里找得到啊？还怪人家越权。人家可是句句在理啊。我唯一的感觉就是，Ewan McGregor在这部戏里对自己religion的热爱，丝毫不亚于他在moulin rouge对satine的热爱。虽然religion和人是不能比的，但是他的狂热，他的崇敬以及他不顾一切的追求，都是看得到的。

整部戏的高潮，产生于当the Camerlengo知道antimatter的电池不够时间被拆除而直接捧着它进入直升飞机里。（我在片头就很惊讶，Dan Brown这个人也太博学了，又懂religion又懂symbols连LHC,antimatter都略知一二）本来在前面那段，我就已经看出来他是故意受伤的。一切都太巧合了。Langdon刚刚闯进去，就看见了那么明显的一幕？而且the Camerlengo还没死？那个Swiss Guard的头头开始还完全一副还不在状态的表情，幸好他头脑转的快，那把钥匙说明这故事还有下文。

但是当the Camerlengo进直升飞机的时候我还是泪如泉涌啊。真的太正义了。黑色的牧师服，随时愿意牺牲的坚毅的表情(我觉得这个表情是真的，他也不知道自己活不活得下去），那个一切为了自己的信仰的英雄，就这么出现了又要这么走了。我当时真的希望他别跳下来就这么牺牲好了。要不等大家都知道真相时他会更惨。

最后悲惨的事情还是发生了。一切水落石出了。他在幕后策划了一切，是为了捍卫自己的信仰，但却用了不正当的手段。我想当他走进密室时心情是激动的，应该已经预测到了点什么。影片的这个插曲也许想表现一下他的ambition吧，但是交代得很模糊。当他走进密室面对众人时，他又很聪明，马上就意识到了the situation is out of control already。这段拍得很好。他没有像traditional Chinese drama里那样临死前还要做困兽之斗，或为自己辩解，或掏出一把手枪扫射。他腿受伤了，转身依然潇洒。他的紧张表现在愈行愉快的步伐中。我觉得他是在路上想到了最好的结局，自焚。最后他是个亡命之徒，不过不是歇斯底里型的。

其实影片很多地方交代得不很清楚。如果 the Camerlengo这么执迷于自己的信仰，为什么会牺牲与他同信仰的主教？如果这件事是他一手策划，他和那个绑架者的关系是什么？为什么那个绑架者说“ 他们没叫我杀你们“，而不是“他“？绑架者的身份是什么？而且，如果他这么疯狂，那么比起他极端的作案手法，他投降的太快了，快得让人觉得他知道自己是错的，which is not shown anywhere。

但是就Ewan McGregor而言，这是又一部佳作。他的表现丝毫不亚于Tom Hanks。他把这个人的伟大的那部分思想演出来了，并且赚了眼泪。而他在摄像头里露出本性的那段表演来得很自然。动作，语言，表情的衔接无可挑剔，太 convincing了。而剧本的问题，就忽视吧。

What's the matter with me?

2009-06-01T00:13:00.003+08:00

Once, zry. Then, zhw. Though in both cases there were just crushes. I still have feelings for zry, although exactly what kind of feeling？I don't know. I just know that I would check his space regularly. I like every word he said. I can almost visualize his facial expression when he speaks. Still, I think I care for him. Maybe not in that sense, but care, still.
I guess I can never feel bad about him. He's attractive, although I'm the only one who thinks so. Well, my taste is always strange.
Suddenly I don't want to lose him. I still want him as my friend. I know I have to let go a lot of things. I know I should not act as if I'm crazy about him. But I just have to. If I lose contact with him, I may lose him forever. But I don't want to.
I can let go easily people like, zhw, who I would probably never know about. So I guess the reason I can't forget zry is that I really have liked him,and I never stop feeling good about him.
Okay, I've sent out invitation to him. I'm not sure he'll still add me. But if he does, I'll tell him I want him as a friend. I really do.

Some thoughts after the CCA exhibition

2009-02-05T00:24:00.002+08:00

1st of all, I'm again depressed.

I now know that I'm only getting 12 hrs for two years serving in library. It sounds trivial,really. But it matters to me. I joined library last year because I heard that I can get 20 cip hrs per year. At the end of last year I was told it was 12 hrs per year. And now, omg, 12 hrs for two years. What can I say? I made this unwise choice myself, so I would have to abide all the consequences. I have to.

Again I'm creating a problem for myself. That's the situation and I can't change it. So really, why worry?

The 2nd thing that makes me frustrated is the comparison which I can't help making of me with others. I'm so weak. I'm nothing here. This really is not the place I'm meant to be. God loves jokes. Every body, except me, is a leader. Leadership, without which my US dream will forever remain a dream.

My CCAs do not need me. I know I can never go around and ask ppl to join my CCA. Or, at present, I can't. I have no confidence, nor support.

But indeed I'm lucky to have a friend who is willing to start an SL project with me, even though I'm not sure of doing it or not. Let me check things out over this weekend and make up my mind. I can't just hang around like this. I must do something.

A depressing day

2009-02-03T22:32:00.002+08:00

My ear hurts! My ear hurts!

After one whole year since I got my ear pierced, I finally tasted my own bitter fruit. My ears have not recovered yet, and god knows whether the possibility of me having healthy ears still exists. I wonder. Okay, cheer up cheer up. I must believe in myself.

Another day of depression. I got back my physics consolidation test papers. It was a disaster, in every aspect. The super low mark, the most blank paper, the little thinking I have done, and the non-existent effort I was supposed to have put in.

This reminds me of a poem I saw in the Boarding School washroom(strange, isn't it). Worry never solves a problem, it may even become a problem. So why worry?

Why worry? I ask myself. I'm still concerned about Mr. Tan's reaction, to a large extent, even after the more disastrous mark I got for J1 Block Test. I guess I'm just someone who tries, albeit often in vain, to give every one the best possible impression. I am just like this. I want to get every one to like me, which, in any case, is not possible for someone like me. I 'm not hardworking, not clever, not as kind-hearted as a girl should be. I like to shout. I'm vulgar. And then? I could make a long list of all my weaknesses. Still, my parents are always there to love me and support me.

I don't know why I'm so easily agitated and pressurized. Any little thing could bring me depress. I want my life to be smooth with no trouble, which, I guess, is never possible.

And, sadly, I've lost my point again.

H3 math is driving me bad. The lectures are difficult enough to confuse me and deprive me of my confidence to look at any of the tutorial questions. I keep having this feeling that I may not do well in my H3 exams, which is the most undesirable situation now. And I still have my SL project to concern about. Should I do one just for the sake of a slightly better profolio? Or should I just concentrate on my study? I know if I kill this idea, I should probably say goodbye to my US dream now. But even if I try, wouldn't I be more disappointed if I fail? Why no confidence?

Shit. So much for today. I still have to catch up with my tutorial.

1st post in 2009

2009-02-02T19:41:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time...since my last post. Really a long time. I've been lazy for some time. Just last week I though about closing this blog forever. But then when I looked at all those posts that I had written, I told myself to get up from laziness. Well, for the sake of my GP, I better starting writing something, though usually with grammatical mistakes, in English.

I could never write anything in English in XiaoNei. It's just that there are so many English pros of my ages moving around there, and even those people seldom use English. Thus my pride forbids me to write anything English there again.

There has not really been a significant change in my life up till now. School reopened, and I started repeating my tragedy all over again. School, hostel, hostel, school. Everyday I have work to complete. No normal TV programs. No Thunder. No relatives. Palpitations and immense anxiety are engulfing me. It feels like my heart is whacked suddenly. Maybe it is to do with my pressure, or my lack of confidence, or my sense of insecurity. I don't know why. Singapore is really driving me mad.

Last year I had a crush on somebody and now the feelings are almost drained. I even gave up my friendship with Zhao. I must admit my most irrational period comes when I talk to Zhao. He sucks yet I didn't want to stop the conversation. Now I'm glad I realized how strange he seems to me. Well I really can't figure out where this emotion thing is going. Headache.

我的心飞回去了

2008-10-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

从lx那传了很多歌，包括那首在国内很火的“月亮之上”。这首歌当时颇被我和尚萌鄙视。
于是我就想到了我的朋友，中国的朋友。我的忍耐力到达了极限。在我昏睡了三个小时之久后，决定写点东西。
小学三年级我第一次遇到尚萌。那是自以为自己无敌可爱的我，头上戴了两个花卡子，身上穿着我认为颇为前卫的小汗衫和便宜牛仔裤，在塔尔坡小学紧挨大门处的两棵大树上绑了一根一块五的皮筋，开始跳我最擅长的“点点豆豆”。这个时候某人（忘了是谁了）带尚萌来了。我故作潇洒，继续跳我的皮筋，同时抬起头打量了她一下。高高的个子（当时比我高，现在和我一样，哈哈），一脸漠视世事，不屑于和小屁孩为伍的样子，用藐视的眼光打量着我。
所以第一次见面我是不喜欢这个人的。然后，不知道怎么地，我就和她，和张明，张照成了四人帮。真的不知道是怎么喜欢上她的，只记得在六年级时就很粘她了。我是挺傻的，曾经手里掂着一瓶酷儿沉默的走在小学楼梯处，看着前面她们三个在前面不停八卦，油然而生一种“我是圣人”的感觉，紧接着就和她们吵架，小姐脾气爆发，嘴一噘，头一甩，屁股一拧，拿着我的酷儿走回教室。最经典的是在我走回教室时，还觉得自己真是潇洒不凡啊。
“哈利波特”是尚萌介绍我看的。我记得很清楚，看完第一本我就深深着迷了。当时5年级暑假前，老师让我给全班人推荐几本好书，我脸红地站起来，脑子里不停的想着到底说什么书。我看的书当时来讲是不少，但是我不能随便说几本书啊，还要说些能让人对我刮目相看的书。于是我就说了“我的大学”，这本书我爸买的，我至今不知道它讲的是什么。但是这一定很有名，因为是个叫什么“高尔基”的写的。老师果然表扬我了。一秒前我突然想到，其实那老师也可能从来没看过那本书。
得到表扬的我无比兴奋，就顺嘴把“哈利波特”说出来了。说实话，我是想显示自己涉猎广泛的。然后语文老师一脸诧异，连问那是什么。我无语。这咋解释？雷徽同学很有良知地抢白说，这是尚萌写的。于是全班哗然。尚萌一脸不好意思。我当是猜她肯定是在心里淫笑。
结果我告诉老师这是奇幻小说，她肯定信不过这本书，因为她从始至终不肯把这书的名字写到黑板上。
六年级的时候我很喜欢下午上学前跑到尚萌家楼底下，用尽所有中午饭转化成的能量，对着她家窗户大叫她的名字。其实我还有一个猥琐的目的。那个拉小提琴的帅哥也住这个院子。当时我唯一的愿望是，那个帅哥能在我喊尚萌时被我如出谷黄莺的优美声音所吸引，继而和我成为朋友。事实证明我的愿望虽小，但实是不能实现。这件事从侧面反映了当时的偶像剧深深危害了青少年的身心健康。
尚萌深知我的企图，于是每每在我喊出第一个音节时就把我打住了，强烈谴责我只顾自己爽，损害午睡者的利益。我只好默认，并继续在炎炎夏日下等着她以蜗牛速收拾好她的书包。
不写了。去做OP。

爱恨——白飞飞

2008-09-28T09:35:00.000+08:00

我是想写点什么，来抚慰一下我看了武林外史的心情
飞飞，白飞飞，其实她算心理挺变态的。幽灵宫主对人狠啊。可是飞飞却有着柔弱的外表。她被仇恨蒙蔽的双眼。
我注定怜惜白飞飞。因为这样的女子叫人不得不怜惜，尽管她其实外表凶狠，而且智慧超群。
一如剑花烟雨江南中的丁残艳。芊芊到底有什么好？是，她漂亮，温柔，而且聪明。跟了小王爷是聪明，最后跟回小雷更是聪明。
可是丁残艳叫我怜惜。我怀疑自己是不是一定程度上心理变态。也许是我自以为也有痛苦的经历吧。却对身世悲惨，而又走不出自己的人物们极其感慨。
武林外史我都没看完。有那么几十页，我觉得已经没有看得必要了。因为沈浪是那么自信，七七是那么爱他，别的人物又是多么的英明正义，嫉恶如仇。白飞飞从头至尾就是一个骗子，坚强的骗子，迷乱的骗子。她注定什么都得不到。是啊，这是注定的。丁残艳在复仇的同时，就注定了她再也得不到小雷。可是她们不会求人怜惜，以自己身世的悲苦而取得同情。
飞飞得不到沈浪，便想毁灭。爱着沈浪，便不想他和朱七七在一起。
而残艳，却选择离去。尽管小雷始终觉得她恶心。
这是多么奇妙啊。小雷讨厌残艳，所以即使丁丁诬陷她，小雷潜意识里还是可以原谅丁丁。

仇恨，这难道不是世界上最奇妙的东西？

我不能去恨沈浪，不能去恨七七，尽管我并不欣赏他们。命运就像是一出排好的戏。前面都铺垫了，后面剧情便很少再颠覆。

我所心疼的，便是白飞飞。若是有一人爱过她，愿意感化她，也许她不会沦落到如此下场。没有人有义务这么做。真的，没有人。沈浪爱朱七七。所以他能给飞飞的，只不过就是怜悯。该死的怜悯！所以沈浪即是世界第一聪明人，世界第一善良人，他还是挽救不了白飞飞。别问我他有什么义务，谁都没义务。但如果沈浪真是如小说中那么神的话，又何妨给飞飞一些心灵的温暖？他只知晓以大义。只懂得豪放之人，只能与正人君子交往。这算神？

但沈浪一点没错。他只不过不是神。所有的英雄都不是神。因为英雄只能理解英雄。小人物的悲惨没人理解。英雄只敬佩那些身世凄苦却不被之影响的人。英雄只惜英雄，这是注定了的。

其实我什么都不知道。人性啊，又岂是三言两语能够写出来的？看来我又成功地把自己给陷进去了。又在说一些毫无逻辑的话了。

飞飞，白飞飞。其实人性总是注定。遇到沈浪，不如遇到任何一个平凡的男人。平凡人所有的善良，平凡人所有的价值观，必然是市侩了些，但却会少很多英雄大道理。简单易懂。

飞飞让我想到自己。其实我连她万分之一也及不上。可是我对这世界的看法，却又能和她差得了多少？

P.S.这本书最大的败笔是王怜花没死。TMD，难道就因为他智商低，做的坏事都不成功，就可以原谅？那么飞飞的聪明就真是错。

这本书，真的是很不怎么样。除了沈浪朱七七，其实我看不到什么了。

把悲伤留给明天

2008-09-27T10:31:00.000+08:00

考完Chem我很烦，我很烦，我真的很烦。
我双手颤抖的捧着没有答完的卷子，一阵苦涩袭击了我的心脏。然后，当我毅然决然的递上卷子时，我却又恢复平静了。因为我逼着我自己微笑。我略带嘲讽的扫视着整个考场和监考老师，嘴角的微笑也变成嘲笑。
出了考场我就一直在笑。感觉很奇怪。也许是一种掩饰不住的对这种生活的嘲笑。我打开手机。平日灵巧的手指却开始笨拙，不知道到底要不要给妈妈打电话。号码拨得极慢，按了又删。这个时候我就想到了孙小红。没来由的。想到了天机老人死的时候，林仙儿竭尽全力打击着她。说她做了这么严重的错事，实在该哭。小红说，就算有眼泪，也要留给明天。今天我虽然已经做错了，但我还有很多事情要做。很多事情。悲伤就留给明天吧。
凭这，我赞赏孙小红。有些品质对我来说如天上明星般遥不可及，所以我才会佩服别人。佩服她，因为她是一个不会沉浸于悲伤的女孩，永远知道自己的方向是什么。这难道不是人生中最伟大的成就之一？多少人都在生活中迷失着？又有多少人真正清楚自己要什么呢？
显而易见，我也是深陷迷失而不能自拔的孩子。我活得很没有目的，很没有头绪。我到底是为什么生存的？我不知道。可是我却还是要热爱这生活。自己迷失是自己的错。可是老天赐与我了生命，赐予我了亲情和友情。按阿飞的话说，放弃生命简直对不起为我做了这么多的老天爷。
看来我果然没有好好学习了。考试时在头脑里萦绕竟然是焦帅哥的电视剧插曲。
那么我要把悲伤留给明天。今天我有很多事情要做。我还有Math和Physics。

有时我会想，学生其实是很幸福的。我们连方向都没有，却依然感觉得到充实。学校帮我们确定了方向。而这群窝在学校里自我享受的孩子，其实才是最迷失的。天下韩寒着实不多，因为很少人能这么快就意识到自己生命的价值在何处。

这到底是幸还是不幸？我宁可认为我是幸运的，尽管这很可能意味着我活得懒散。但是我却是真真正正快快乐乐的迷失着。若是一辈子都这样，岂不快哉？

这次，是我错了。。。

2008-09-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

越读古龙，越为友情而感动。
我们可能社交广泛，但是真正的朋友却难得。
我一直相信，君子之交，淡如水。我最好的朋友教会了我，友情的真谛是什么。
能被距离所阻隔的感情，绝对不是真的。
真正的朋友，会在你最需要支持的时候默默地聆听。纵使分离几年，性格有变化，环境有变化，但心却不会变。

一路迷失是我自己造成的。我奢求的太多，心理落差才太大。

但是从此以后不会了。我不会再傻傻的期望在新加坡找到真正的依靠了。我很惭愧，因为我的烦恼来源于对她的没有信心。

我们是真正的朋友。所以，哪怕要我形单影只一辈子，我都不会有怨言。因为有你陪着我。

因为你的存在，我可以除去很多杂念。我不会再自怨自艾，没有人关心又怎么样？我不会因为短暂愉悦的不复存在，而放弃我这一生中最自豪的成就所带给我的快乐。

到现在为止，很可能是一辈子，我最开心的事，除了有爸爸妈妈，就是认识你了。
你是精神依靠。是我在屡次想要放弃时，支持我走下去的最大动力。

我曾经很不满足的怪这个世界给我得太少。现在我知道，我拥有很多。只是我没珍惜。

人生中得一知己如你，更有何奢望？

英雄们可以只有一个朋友，只有一个能为之拼命的朋友。

小雷只有龙四一个朋友，可他的生命中，已经什么都不缺了。

关于开幕式假唱的感想

2008-08-25T18:39:00.000+08:00

很多人说中国做得不够好。也许从始至终用同一个女孩会更有效果？这种assumption是没有必要辩论的。问题是，即使是假唱，在我看来，也可以理解。
有人说外国人都对此问题表示批评。那你到底是中国人还是外国人啊？外国人的意见就那么重要吗？他们的意见就正确吗？作为中国人，连一点自我思维能力都没有吗？外国媒体本来就着重挑中国的毛病，西藏事件不也是他们用来声势浩大地批评中国的？你们也完全相信吗？
更何况，外国媒体是以什么主要理由批评中国的？是因为中国一些不思考周全的人在网上首先闹起来的！自己都窝里反了，难怪不被那些外国人抓住把柄大力渲染！他们不正愁鸡蛋里挑不到骨头吗？中国的这些自以为自己是当代佐罗的人就傻傻的把理由给人家双手奉上了！
有人会说，不论是对哪个国家，是错误就要提嘛。好，来看看是你错了，还是我们的开幕式导演错了。
这件事明明是三方心甘情愿的。献声的小女孩愿意，可爱的那个也愿意。有人说她是被国家大义逼的。试问，你不发声，还会有人拿刀架在你脖子上逼你唱吗？奥委会想要的，是一个效果。完美的结合，大家你情我愿，有什么不好？为什么要把自己的自私情感强硬的施加给别人？这些当代佐罗们就是想显示一下自己的新思想，显示自己有多么公平。世界上又不是只有你们受过教育，不要把自己当成全地球唯一的有勇气讲出批评的人。你们这最多算是标新立异！今时今日，这样爱找碴的人的确不少啊。你们是被自负迷住了眼睛，考虑欠妥，就总想在本来很完美的一幅画上，拼死拼活的要留滴污点，可笑的是，你们还欺骗自己，以为自己是在画龙点睛。可笑至极！悲哉悲哉！人不怕无知，就怕自作聪明。

开幕式后有关官员就公开了事实，就是为了给那个幕后的小女孩公平啊。既然我们相信张艺谋的才智，相信他的开幕式，为什么不相信他也是追求完美的呢？难道说你们考虑到的问题，他就独独考虑不到？

对假唱的这种群轰，在我看来，只是那些懂得可怜的人在急于显示自己公平的过程中，用自己那点皮毛突出自己的无知。说这跟国足一样丢人？我的天哪，这句话本身比十个国足丢人。

Don't quit...

2008-08-02T22:04:00.001+08:00

QZone Editor

这是我在图书馆整理书籍时，从一本小说里掉出来的书签上的。书签看来是有年头了，爬满了一种落寞而枯萎的黄色。背景中的太阳也显得无精打采。然而文字的魅力却超脱了时间的流逝，成为不朽而感人的宝藏。

Don't quit

When things go wrong

as they sometimes will.

when the road you're

trudging seems all uphill,

when the funds are low,

and the debts are high,

and you want to smile,

but you have to sigh,

when care is pressing

you down a bit ---

Rest if you must,

but don't you quit.

Success is failure

turned inside out,

the silver tint of

the clouds of doubt,

and you never can tell

how close you are,

it may be near when

it seems afar.

So, stick to the fight

when you're hardest fit---

It's when things go wrong

that you mustn't quit.

有时真的会很烦。要怎样做人？怎样交往？怎样疏解压力？甚至于，怎样向未来努力？每一天，回到宿舍，盯着书桌，唯一的感觉就是，好累，好茫然。

This is the time that I'm hardest hit, and that things are going wrong.

I won't quit.

我快埋到脖子了

2008-07-24T11:23:00.001+08:00

很难想象物理实验会做得这么糟糕。模拟考得还不错，今天的实际考试又被我搞砸了。一团糟。

然后我罪恶的手就被可笑的挫败感控制着，拨了妈妈的电话，大哭特哭，大喊特喊。

我一直都知道自己很差劲，很不负责任，很懦弱。如果人真的要分等级，那么我觉得是最没骨气的下等人。最恶俗的词语都无法形容我极端变态的性格。我的人生横观纵观都是悲剧。有时我就觉得，我就像咸阳广场上的那个疯子一样，笑自己的，哭自己的，完全不在乎别人。被所有人鄙视却毫不知情。脑袋里根本没有耻辱这个概念。想怎么想就怎么样。

那么人生也许能轻松一些吧。可惜我和他不一样。我还沾染了迂腐的气息。我还懂得羡慕与嫉妒。我还受过他妈的素质教育。我还是个学生。我还有亲人。

我处于这个人不人鬼不鬼的范围内，像蚂蚁一样只重视自己肤浅的喜怒哀乐。人最大的悲哀不是被这个世界所不容，而是亲手用一粒灰尘活埋了自己。

我快埋到脖子了。

Talk by a Physics Doctor.

2008-07-22T21:09:00.003+08:00

In front of nature, we are all equal. We're at the same starting point. It makes no difference that I'm a doctor, and you're a student.

If, in 20 years' time, you read the things you write at this time, you may just laugh at yourself. But, the thing that matters is that, at this time, you've gone through critical think and you are pretty sure about your conclusion. The invaluable thing is actually the satisfaction you derive.

爸爸，生日快乐。爱你。

2008-07-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

爸爸又老了一岁。
每次回家，在咸阳机场，都觉得爸爸越来越黑，越来越矮，越来越胖，白头发越来越多了。当年的那个帅哥已经不在了。人都是会老的。可能我回家不频繁，所以，一年的小变化堆积成了大变化。
可是爸爸对我的爱是与日俱增的。每次回家日子都是天堂般的。什么都不用想，什么都不用做，像个公主一样被伺候着。爸爸就这么宠着我，惯着我，我知道他也很快乐。因为我们的感觉都一样。自己最爱的人快乐的时候，我们比他们还要快乐。
有时我郁闷，是因为内疚，觉得达不到爸爸的期望。所以就乱发脾气。想不通问题的时候，总是明白爸爸会给最正确的解答，但是老是不敢问，怕爸爸的脾气。可是，谁还会为我的问题真诚的批评我呢？还把自己搞得心情不好？只有爱我的人吧。
我已经无法完整的写一篇抒情文章了。但是，爱写不出来，却可以做出来。
爸爸。我爱你。

遇见了小学同学

2008-07-17T15:15:00.002+08:00

在校内偶遇我六年级的同桌。说实话小学的生活我基本上都忘光了，除了初中还在一起的同学，和雷徽。我真的忘了自己曾经的理想是“哈佛女孩”啊
“我记得你以前的理想是“哈佛女孩”

还有，我六年级刚转来时好象是和你坐着的”
“我还记得

六年级一班，那次转来4个同学。班主任数学老师叫刘丽荣，语文老师叫邹亚婷。

我那时学武术呢，刚来时就坐你旁边，那是个空位子。

没几天就坐后面了。

那时你们学习好的，你，雷徽，李杏子等人整天说的是剑桥男孩和哈佛那孩

还有，写那篇《20年后的我》说的最多的就是克隆和机器人 ”

说真的，现在再审视自己，觉得自己好堕落。没理想，没计划。
到底长大是成熟，还是现实呢？是痛苦，还是快乐呢？

The girl of yesterday had long gone

2008-07-16T15:32:00.004+08:00

Indeed, I must admit my face was burning when I saw my block result. The test has become part of history. But the result recorded on isp will never. It's whipping me. It's reminding me how irresponsible and stupid I have been.
No point repeating whatever I have said. I just want, at this very moment, to encourage myself that everything will be better if I am confident enough to face tomorrow.
LX told me that we are just as good if we mug enough. It's just that we didn't put in effort. I shall thank him for his words. At this very time, all I need is hope and confidence. Thank god. I have so many people around who wouldn't give up on me. My parents, my friends.

"There's not a day goes by i don't feel regret for what i did. i look back the year i was then, the young stupid kid, who commited that terrible crime. i wanna talk to him, i wanna talk some sense to him, but i can't. that boy's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. i got to live with that. rehalebitated? it's just a bullshit word! so you go on stamp your form on that paper and stop wasting my time. because to tell you the truth, i don't give a shit."

I can still feel my heart beating whenever I think of Red in this scene of Shawshank redemption. I've got to live with the result.

The girl of yesterday had long gone. What's left is a new life. New hope.

Have A Nice Day

6 Feb 2012

人怎么能依靠别人活着？

精神独立

我就是觉得，人生应该很美好

没有关系，真的没有关系。

你现在还能干什么

这个世界上没有RP这种东西

我知道你没有错

请不要这么自我

我的人生经历

Such an unexpected turn of events

最高明的谎话，永远是七分真三分假。

从这次失败中学到的教训

至理名言

这么说吧

Apology

人都是练出来的

心诚则灵是吗？

让我死吧

有些事不是你想不想面对，而是你无论如何都要面对。

蹉跎无比

为什么不信任我？

It's time to move on

WTF

I hate it when we are drifting apart

人生真的是很有意思

I have a lot of questions

Singlish说的不好也是有问题的

但你也是坚强的小家伙

没用的家伙

想抓住点什么

总有时间自怨自艾

终于打开了 终于可以说自己想说的话了

该死的寂寞

Get busy living or get busy dying

我恨这个世界 如果失去了父母和萌萌 我会自杀

So you made a mistake. So what?

有些人你永远比不上

每天都要定好下一天的计划

我决定继续写blog。哪怕记流水账！

如何做一个内心强大的人？

培养自己的思维，比工作更重要

要心无杂念

中国人

要坚信自己选择的路是正确的

兔兔年

有点情绪失控

No S/U this term

Or you just think that you are the sole representative of the truth?

The probable direction I should follow in NTU

Take my life away

活着很累

对不起

Just as what Rachel Greene would say,

Day 1

只是浮云

我特别烦

继续淡定

Still I hope someone cares, just like the logistic manager who wanted to kill himself in Friends

我不后悔

淡定

世态炎凉

Unapproachable

New Term Resolution

如何完整的生存在这个世界中？

德国队输了

噩梦

Not a happy time

矛盾与纠结

就这样，我就要面对大学了。

Overwhelming fear

The end

Everything is over

沉痛

I really need to type something tonight

Brown Interview 有感

What do they want? Truth? Unrest? Riots?

Gladiator--This is Russell Crowe

与高考同学书

终于打开了终于可以说自己想说的话了

我恨这个世界如果失去了父母和萌萌我会自杀