Yesterday when we went to buy sushi together, Yu Yao said that the two years' life in Singapore was just a waste of time. Indeed the length was two years, but we were so empty. The most recent memory we had was probably the ones in China.
I suddenly realized. For the last two years ,we had been constantly talking about the past, the precious memory of China, of the former Secondary life.
I tried hard to find some meaningful events but failed.
How could I improve the life quality?
I cried, when I succeeded in quitting the band's final performance.
He Miao's and my part were both reduced to a poor amount. Unable to stand this anymore, she claimed to the former section leader that she didn't want to continue the performance.
I actually also hated the idea of performing such little amount. And I was afraid if I would just spoil the whole thing.
This afternoon on entering the band room, the band leader came to us and told us that we could drop the piece, and that we could get the certificate anyway even if we were spectators.
I felt lost. And suddenly I found I hadn't done anything during my two years in band. I was really ashamed.
How dare I talk to my section leader like that?
I knew this was only an instant thought. My thought would change dramatically with just a little variation of the environment. And anyway, the situation today just made me feel like I was an irresponsible idiot.
The former band leader also came to comfort us. She said it really didn't matter that we couldn't play well. Actually it was really okay as she herself wasn't a successful drummer in Sec 2. She only started hard practicing from Sec 3. Also, scholars like us didn't really have time to practice( except my senior Peiqian). We would face the problem of being sent back to China if we couldn't handle the study.
I knew it was just comforting words. I appreciated the fact that she, a seemingly stern leader, had the heart to solace us, although I was not sure whether our leaves could make percussion better. But I did hope so. I hope Percussion could put up a wonderful show this time, and I had confidence in them.
However, for myself, I could only say that my choice of CCA was a complete mistake. I should have followed my heart, just like what Mohan had once said.
It's alright, I am learning
I cried when I left the band room. My mind was a mixture of feelings. I felt shameful. But what was more, I was deeply touched by my two years' life in this school and this band.
I suddenly felt that this group of people was very adorable.
I didn't know what to say. Indeed I was the trouble-maker.
I was glad that I was finally freed, but deep in my heart, this freedom was just another form of constriction and pressure to my mind.
I was confused. What about my life after this?
落寞是一种感觉
有的时候，会十分任性地，毫无理由地，为一些毫无意义的事物所挣扎，继而产生一种想留住它的冲动。
尽管我知道那从不属于我。
尽管我相信，冥冥之中事物早有定数，不是我的强留也没意义。
但我就陷在了这无意义中，
徘徊而难以放手，哪怕自己已遍体鳞伤。
强烈的主宰感，从属感。
我的确拉不住它。茫然若失。认真地感受这它从手中滑出，一闪即逝的感觉。
用心品味个中之微妙。仿佛心与心的较量。
某晚心血来潮，看见了冰莹的无色透明指甲油就跃跃欲试。结果我涂了十个指头，起码用了三十个指头的油量，和一大堆洗甲水，因为我涂得太烂，所以是涂了又洗的。
然后自己买了护甲油和洗甲水，Sally Hansen 的。对这种东西牌子没有什么研究啦。感觉还好吧。
我喜欢盯着涂过护甲油的指甲看，那种闪闪的，可以反光的感觉，总让我想到晶莹剔透的露珠。那种细腻的饱和的珍珠贝般的光泽，让手有种被呵护的感觉。指甲上不经意的褶皱，也有一种优雅，古典，沧桑之感。似乎护甲油给了指甲生命的活力。（不过大概是因为我的指甲本身长的难看吧）
