Unapproachable

Someone described me as "unapproachable". This seems like the word that could describe me the best, but still I don't feel comfortable.

People keep telling me that I have to be flexible and make lots of friends now, otherwise I would not succeed when I go into the society. How do you do it? How do you make lots of "friends"? It is not that I have a harsh criteria for friends, just that I don't feel comfortable initiating a talk with a total stranger, when there is not even a project or a theme to start with.

All my fellow students are powerful talkers, and being near them makes me feel weird. A kind of feeling of inferiority, I think. Isn't it weird, that I feel inferior even if I seem to be convinced that being myself is undoubtedly the right way for me. I guess it is because I am not that convinced after all. I'm so full of contradictions.

Okay, stop this sad tone please. Just picture myself surrounded by my family and my real friends. They are the only people who make me feel calm and peaceful, as if I am living in a world without fake laughs, awkward conversations and stressful competitions. I hate the environment here. However, I believe there must always be a away out, I really do. Those who love me are always with me. I can feel the love. I'll be strong. I'll do everything I can to survive in this god-damned environment.

New Term Resolution

多读书，不再emo，不再发表emo的日志。多去看看孔老师的博客。

如何完整的生存在这个世界中？

Recently I always have this feeling that my life is incomplete.

Is it, really?

I miss the fun I have had with my friends. YY and Seraph are in China now. It seems the only friend I have here is LX, to whom I can't tell certain things.

Maybe a lot of people are experiencing this transition now. But to them this may be only a short-term thing. Soon they'll make new friends and have new fun. But could I, ever?

I know I am jealous of those who did manage to get into accountancy. I missed my chance, and I was never able to change the outcome of that god-damned interview. I had performed poorly and let myself down. But these were not the worst. What hurts me the most is the fear I have over math. Could I ever do well in it?

Could I ever make another friend in this campus? Will I be allowed to stay in hostel for the next 3 years?

I am full of doubts.

德国队输了

我真的很难受很难受。这是我唯一完整看完的一场比赛，也是让我泪流满面的一场比赛。巴熊熊并没有在场边，否则如果让我看到他的表情，我大概都睡不好吧。
如果不是因为他，我也许都不会关注德国队。下届世界杯，应该不会再有熊和克洛泽了。现实就是如此残酷。年轻的德国队还有机会，但是老将如熊，就真的要带着遗憾了。

噩梦

昨晚梦见我必须再上一遍华中，我在梦里又哭又喊。天哪，这估计是个抹不去的黑色记忆。

Not a happy time

I have no job, neither do I have any offer. Everyday I just stay home, eat and sleep. I called mum just now and cried. I did not know why. All my problems are created by myself.

I have no idea what my future will be like. I know I will work harder, though. After being rejected by lots of companies, I see where I stand. I have neither fabulous experience nor stellar grade. I see people around me getting great offers but I myself am stuck here and I still have to go to that NTU interview and write a piece of essay about my ambition, while my real dream is to become a counselling psychologist.

Fear of the unknown, again. It's purely ridiculous. I have the will to work hard so why fear? But I can't control my feelings.

Midnight again. Continue tomorrow.

矛盾与纠结

我想学心理学。我根本没兴趣知道会计学是什么，也不想去搞什么金融。可是我没有钱，没有学完心理学的资本。我不知道该如何是好。