Today I saw him

说不清的感情。也许是越得不到的东西越会勾起人的欲望。

我觉得他完全不想和我说话。很尴尬地问我了一句去哪儿后，他就目不斜视地走他的路了。

他样子好像还是没变。呵呵。我觉得我不该再奢望什么了。该放手时就要放手。我们俩会有不同的人生道路。希望大家都努力，断不说将这缘分继续，只要能默默祝福就好了。有勇气的人就会成功。

PAE results are released

Hwa Chong Science. This result is not at all surprising. Now all that's worrying me is my O level result. I'm still unsure of my final JC. It's a pity that some of us have met some inevitable problems in PAE. It ended up with them getting into a JC different from their wish. I must say that the most important thing is to try and learn. This is all that I can hope for.

花自己的钱

在我彻底变成一个爱慕虚荣的人之前，先提醒自己一下，有本事就自己挣钱来花。别拿家长的钱不当前，要知道父母都是省吃俭用为了生活。人不能太过分，更不能没本事，只会索取。

巴黎恋人

灰姑娘的故事

我又重温了一遍。

但是看得越多，越觉得人一定要靠自己。

故事就是靠不住的。

一定要自己努力，才能出人头地啊。

要忍住，才可能超越。

Quiz

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Philosophy You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence. Philosophy 92% Biology 83% Engineering 83% Journalism 83% Mathematics 75% Anthropology 75% Psychology 75% Theater 50% Linguistics 50% Art 42% Sociology 42% English 42% Chemistry 17% Dance 8%

爱美的代价

我打耳洞了。真是很惨痛的一段经历。先是耳朵红肿，然后我换银耳针的时候又流血了。左耳的洞打的好像还有问题，反正我费了九牛二虎之力才穿上了新耳钉。更悲惨的是，我刚换完点点就告诉我那银的针太细换上不好。我都欲哭无泪了。这俩耳洞看来是真的没什么前途了。要是耳朵上的炎症再好不了，我就要挥挥手告别耳钉，然后让耳朵长住了。天哪，真是多灾多难。

I'm back

I really don't enjoy the feeling of coming back...

Backstreet Boys Forever

I feel so good after listening to their new album "Unbreakable". It's just wonderful. My favorite song is "Everything but mine". I have also downloaded some of their music videos, including a live in Japan. They were still singing the top hit "Inconsolable". 觉得Nick每次唱歌时都在装帅，炫耀他那电死人不偿命的眼睛以及让我欲罢不能的魅力笑容。AJ的声音还是那么有爆发力，越听越让我觉得很有坐过山车加抚摸丝绸的感觉。Brian看着老了些，但是唱功依旧是不见当年风采。Howie越长越有男人味儿了。呵呵。

后街已经出道十多年了。从听他们的第一首歌开始，我已经喜欢他们五年了。开始时觉得Nick太帅了，渐渐发现Nick的声音超有磁性，是我喜欢的那型。随之爱上了AJ的不羁和穿透力，Brian的成熟和笑容，Howie的电眼，Kevin的老成。

It's like BSB is going to be a history. Maybe, like all other groups, each of them will choose his own way. I really think it's a miracle that after years they can still get together and give us fantastic albums like "Never Gone". Moreover, "Unbreakable" is a pleasant surprise. I hope they will hold on with their music.

妈妈说……

上帝给你关闭一扇门，就一定会打开另一扇窗。

Welcome to wherever you are

I really love this song.

Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden
Running to our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You are caught between just who you are
And who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning
Is some beginning's end
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life
You made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
When everybody's in
And you're left out
And you feel drowning
In a shadow of the dawn
Everyone's a miracle
In their own way
Just listen to yourself
Not what other people say
When it seems you're lost alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life
You made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star
When you want to give up
And your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect
God's make no mistakes
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life
You made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
(Welcome to wherever you are)
(This is your life)
(You made it this far)
I say welcome
(Welcome to wherever you are)
(This is your life)
(You made it this far)
I say welcome
(You got to believe)
Welcome

Whenever I feel depressed, I would listen to this song. I love Bon Jovi's voice. I love it when he sings "When you want to give up And your heart's about to break Remember that you're perfect God's make no mistakes". Now I feel like giving up. I want to quit this fucking exam and just enjoy what I like. But I cannot. I know clearly what I want. Yes, my heart is about to break, yet I am holding on. I know I am perfect. I'm lacking something that I may never be able to get, but I'm holding on because I must something of my own. My friends, my family. God's made no mistake. If I am here, alive in this world, I must be something extraordinary.

This is what I tell myself when I want to give up. I believe I can finish the exam, no matter what a failure I have been. Faith is the only thing I'm left with. If I don't even believe in myself, I'm losing everything, much more than what I have lost now.

自卑

自卑让我一直活在煎熬中

其实我不在乎别人说我虚伪.

有谁可以体会我真正的感觉呢?

不管结果是什么,

也许真有人觉得我喜欢一瞬间的欣喜若狂(如果可以这么夸张的形容的话)

其实我唯一能感受到的,只是这期间的痛苦,把人折磨得不像样.

自卑只给我的生活带来灰暗.

逆转裁判

超好玩的律师游戏。在经历了N个日日夜夜后我终于把第二部打翻了。最后一部竟然见到了御剑怜侍……从来没见过这么帅的检事。前几部的狩魔和亚内简直像白痴似的，成步堂那个刺猬头都比他们能看……御剑真不是一般的，每次成步堂要失败时他都会伸出援手，对自己的胜败都可以暂时置之不理，他永远只坚持正义。成步堂也不错了，主要原因是我控制的。

整个玩完了后就像看完了部电视剧似的，那个成步堂的女朋友，真宵，实在是……长得像元宵啊，而且还是灵媒师……Speechless. 我玩的有真宵的第一部就是成步堂失忆了，然后知道那一集的结尾我才知道这女的原来是他女朋友……

不管怎么说，御剑怜侍实在是强。完美的检事啊。

The Green Mile绿里奇迹

"I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wondering in the dark. And so was I. And we found each other. We found each other in the dark."

"On the day of my judgment, when I stand before god, and he asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles. What am I going to say? That it was my job?"

John Coffey is a miracle.

The story happened in the Green Mile, Block E of a prison. John Coffey, an enormous black man, entered the Mile. He was sentenced death as he raped and killed two little girls.

But he didn't seem evil at all. He was afraid of dark. He was kind and helpful. On top of all, he had a kind of miraculous power gifted by the god. With his hand, he cured Paul's bladder infection. When Percy, a sinister prison guard who always wanted to bully the prisoners, trampled the only company of a prisoner-a mouse-to death, John used his power and saved the mouse.

Finally on his way to help cure the warden's wife who had a malignant tumor, another killer in prison, Billy, held his hand, and at this point of time, he felt the truth. After curing the lady, he didn't let the black snow out of his mouth, which made him enormously weak. Then, after getting back, he transferred the snow of evil to Percy, who then killed Billy, and who himself at last became a patient at the local madhouse.

Then he revealed the truth. It was Billy who raped and killed the two little girls, not him. He felt this when Billy held his hand. And he made both Percy and Billy suffer.

But no one could help John Coffey. Finally he died in front of the swearing parents' of the dead girls and others who resented him for killing. He never got a chance to claim himself innocent.

I thought the story was wonderful. It really grabbed my heart. Tom Hanks was great. But I really like the John Coffey better.

Stephen King is a genius. From the Shawshank Redemption to the Green Mile, his stories are unforgettable and they touch my heart.

Physics? Biology?

After talking with my seniors about which subject I should take, I am confused again on having Physics or Biology. Well, Physics seems a lot easier, as I see it. But isn't Biology more suitable to me? I don't know. I simply think it must be a lot more interesting to study creatures, than to discover the inter-connected relationship between substances. Physics theory is damn boring to me, although I dislike reciting Biology terms, either

Thrillingly breath-taking

Movie:The Last Samurai

Starring: Tom Cruise, Ken Watanabe

The way of Samurai

The Spirit of Samurai

"Because they come to destroy what I have come to love." Fabulous.

"You believe, a man can change his destiny?"

"…a man does he can, until his destiny is revealed"

"And so the days of the Samurai had end. Nations, like men, as it is sometimes said, have their own destinies."

Among all the movies that I have watched recently, "The Last Samurai" is the most touching and passionate one.

I have seen the idea bravery being expressed variously in all kinds of hero movies. Heroes die for their beliefs. "The Last Samurai" is about tradition, culture and beliefs. There's a battle between swords and rifles. It's obvious that swords have got little advantage over rifles. I'm not here to discuss which side has won, which there's really no need to mention. Technologies develop rapidly and as the weapons are getting more and more complicated; our minds need to become simpler.

Unfortunately this is proved impossible for most of us. It's like this. I mean, well, men invent weapons, so as weapons become modern, men must become "moderner" to suit the society.

Just this morning I heard people talking that it is really necessary to be hypocritical when you go to work, 'cos if not you will never be able get along well with other hypocrites, and consequently become ill-treated by your boss. I must say that this is a sad fact, which all of us must accept. I started to wonder if there's still something real in this world.

Now, after watching the movie, I somehow generated some power to face the cruel reality. I have seen the road of keeping one's own belief is really not smooth. However, it is possible, if you are willing to die to defend your belief. Pursuing in your own direction is just so hard, but nothing's harder than to betray your heart, a way that I have reasons to believe I will not choose.

I admire all the samurais, the symbols of bravery, not really because what they have done is glorious, but that it is an extraordinary act to pursue your beliefs consistently when you know death is probably your final destiny.

"You believe, a man can change his destiny?"

"…a man does he can, until his destiny is revealed"

Why not?

I can't change my destiny, in a way. However, in another way, I myself am the only one who is able to create my destiny.

I would die to defend my love and my belief. Never mind it sounds too ideal. It's a movie, precisely, but then, it is also a life, is it not?

Finally "O"Level

Physics practical sucks.
The teachers suck.
I let myself down again, on such an important occasion, once in a lifetime.
Shit.
Gotta move on anyway.
Try to catch up.

初中教材中的爱情故事

今天看到一个帖子是关于初中英语教材的，我无比惊喜的发现，竟然狂多人都跟我曾经有过共识，就是Jim喜欢Han Meimei，LiLei也喜欢Han Meimie，但是Lucy喜欢Lilei。我的证据就是有一课，我记得很清楚，"Can I borrow your ruler?"韩美美和李雷坐在第一排，韩美美问李雷借尺子，然后Jim在后面看着他们，眼神十分诡异，就是夹杂着嫉妒，羡慕阴险的目光```然后他旁边坐着Lucy，低着头，我当时觉得是因为Lucy不愿意看到面前的这一幕，因为是女生，不可能象Jim这么感情外露的```所以委屈的低下头```我当时还和我同桌讨论了半天。



关于初中英语课本的误区，我一直觉得Miss Gao和Jim Green他爸有一腿，然后LiLei在第一次去Jim他家见到Jim的妹妹Kate Green的时候就心怀不轨```反正我一直特讨厌李雷，觉得此男猥琐虚伪的要命。还有Jim家貌似很有钱的样子，回英国过圣诞节做飞机，家里还有苹果树```对了又想起来一个证据，有一次他们好像学农去摘苹果，韩美美爬在梯子上，Jim就很紧张的在下面喊Be careful！可是韩美美长了一副那种妇女干部的样子，我也不太喜欢。Lucy和Lily里面我比较喜欢Lily。总觉得lily比较单纯，不像lucy那么有心机。（事实证明是我比较有心机```初中英语课本能联想这么多```）



比较诡异的还有那个什么Uncle Wang，创造了一个什么可以飞的自行车，还有一个合成词叫什么来着？觉得他真是科学怪人。。。最最诡异的是有一个电话号码，6098724，是一个对话里面的，我一直记着，而且脱口就出。。。结果不幸在天涯看到竟然有人和我一样对这个号码念念不忘。。。



脱口而出的还有：How are you? Fine, thank you ,and you? Im fine too. 我这个土人一直到现在见了人还老忍不住来这一套```觉得不这样简直没法外国人展开交流```印象比较深的还有李雷和jim玩飞盘那次，jim把李雷的头给砸了，当时觉得jim是成心这么做的，因为这个事情发生在借尺子事件没多久之后。



Li Lei，Han Meimei，和Jim Green缠绵悱恻的爱情故事



这多少让80年代生人有无限的遐思，初中时代的美好回忆又如画卷般展现在了我的眼前。在回忆往昔的时候，我总是很惊叹人民教育出版社的叔叔阿姨们还有那位专到中国来编英语教材的Alexander先生，怎么会起了几个如此经典的名字，让几千万甚至上亿的中国学生反复传诵至今。



读初中时已然有了点朦胧的男女意识，从那时的观点看来，我就觉得英语课本讲述的就是一个缠绵悱恻的爱情故事：HanMeimei是一个美丽大方聪明漂亮的女孩子，而LiLei和Jim，一中一洋；一个帅气活泼，一个潇洒不羁；少女情怀，谁人可知，据我分析小Han是有可能对LiLei芳心暗许了，而另一方面Jim对韩MM又情根深重，无法自拔。



这是有实例为证的：当年韩MM课外劳动摘苹果，和树下的李帅哥眉来眼去有点得意忘形了，此时被冷落一边的Jim大叫一声："Be careful！"由此，关爱之情可见一斑。而韩MM除了简单报以"Thank you"之外，居然又自得其乐地跟李帅哥开始了聊天……
事情的发展峰回路转，初一下学期，班上转来了两位可爱的加拿大双胞胎——Lucy和Lily，LiLei从此移情别恋，离开了韩MM。综观整个初一下学期，课本上的对话确实以LiLei和双胞胎为主角的居多。此时的韩MM，方才发现了在身边已然默默注视自己有一个学期之久的Jim，从此二人携手走向了幸福的未来```　　



感谢岁月，感谢生活，也感谢人的记忆，能让我们总记得一些美好的过去，忘掉当下的一些不快，并能走向幸福的未来（就像Han Meimei和Jim一样）```


Li Lei 和 Jim Green的故事



LiLei，被翻译成李雷，中国男孩，平头短发，喜穿浅色T恤，一看就是那种正统的中国式好学生。不过他并不是那种死板的书呆子，他很喜欢玩，记得有一课里，他拿着球去玩，反而是Jim没做完功课，被关在家里。这种动静结合的性格，使得他在哪儿都吃香，既能和LinTao这样好学的人成为莫逆，也能和Jim这样好动的人成为死party。



Jim Green，全名是James Allen Green,被翻译成吉姆·格林（詹姆斯·艾伦·格林），在中国生活的英国孩子，一头棕色的卷发，喜欢穿深色的T恤，给人的印象是有活力、聪明，但是有些马虎，时常犯些小错误。



这一中一英两个男孩，就是这六本英文课本最主要的角色了。那么，他们中，谁是最大的男主角呢？我一直是比较欣赏Li Lei的（或许也是因为他是中国人？），和很多同学一样认为他是第一男主角。



后来，我做了一件极其无聊的事——统计了六本书里每个人出现的次数！


最终结果，Jim的出现次数略高于Li Lei。呵呵，这毕竟是英语课本，就承认Jim的第一男主角地位吧。



7+8：统计的数据我现在没有，不过我还能记得最前面的那些孩子。最重要的七个同学组成了第一集团：Jim Green


Li Lei


Han Meimei


Kate Green


Lucy King


Lily King


Ann Read


接下来的第二集团是八位同学：


Lin Tao


Wei Hua


Ling Feng


Sam


Bill


Bruce


Mary


Tom Read


说明一下，Tom的出镜率很低，但是出来的时候文章一般都比较长，何况他是Ann的兄弟，第一册第一张彩页上露脸的人，所以放第二集团不过份。说一下第一册第一张彩页吧，我总觉得这有一种英雄排座次的作用。上面有四幅图，三幅是三个家族：Green家族（英国人）、King家族（美国人）、Read家族（加拿大人），每幅都是父母和两个孩子一共四人。第一幅图则是五人：Li Lei、Han Meimei和LinTao，外加老师Miss Gao（Gao Hui）和Uncle Wang。在这张彩页上，第一集团的七人全部在。



Green家族在书中风光无限，露脸机会最多，而且鸡犬升天，连鹦鹉Polly和小猫Mimi（这可是中国猫）都能频频上镜。



相比之下，Read家族就比较惨了，只有一个Ann撑场面，Tom身为彩页上九个孩子之一，在书中几乎消失，真是够郁闷的。



重要人物：Han Meimei


如果说谁是第一男主角还存在争议的话，第一女主角就当仁不让的是Han Meimei。这个齐耳短发的中国女孩，文雅温和，智慧善良，几乎是所有女性美德的化身。在书中，她更像是一个姐姐的身份，帮助同学们排忧解难。



很多人都觉得，Li Lei和Han Meimei天生一对。然而我经过统计发现，其实HanMeimei和Jim一起出现的时候更多，尤其是后期。想想也是，排除国际友谊因素，Han Meimei和LiLei的性格是相似的，而跟Jim却是互补的，更适合在一起。


Kate


Kate Green，Jim的妹妹。和哥哥一样，Kate也是昵称，全称是Catherine（凯瑟琳）。同样是一头棕色卷发（不知怎么，Jim和Kate总让我想起哈里·波特中的罗恩和金妮，Han Meimei则让我想起赫敏）。Kate很活泼可爱，后来戏份也越来越多。我奇怪为啥她不和同年龄的小朋友们玩，要和大几岁的哥哥的朋友们玩。



Lucy and Lily


可爱的双胞胎姐妹，来自美国。两个人长得一模一样（美工偷懒，哈）。开始的时候，两人都是同时出现，不过到后来，编者有意扩大她们之间的区别，也经常会单独出镜

Ann


Ann是加拿大人，一头金色长发，标准的西方血统。她和Jim、Lilei他们不在一个班，但是和Han Meimei是好朋友，另外她还有一个中国好朋友Chen Hua（女孩）。



Ann在书中最重头的一次出场是她的生日，重要人物几乎全部出场参加。从此我知道了Fried Chicken，Fish and Chips这两种食物。不过当时没有概念，直到我们家乡出现了肯德鸡……


Lin Tao


作为在彩页上出现的人物，LinTao还是很重要的，不过不知为什么他在很长一段时间内都不出现，硬是被挤到了第二集团。作为书中唯一的眼镜男孩（大人不算），LinTao长着一副睿智的知识分子模样。不过，不要以为他很文弱，初三课本中，他可是参加了运动会接力跑的冠军成员。



Sam and Bill


这两个是Jim的死party，沾了不少光。他们三个在一起，1班的体育水平就能提高一个台阶啊。没说的，都是调皮鬼。



Wei Hua


Han Meimei的好朋友。我发现L、H、J、A四巨头都有各自的好朋友。Wei Hua又是一个热情贤淑型中国女孩，不过感觉不如Han Meimei成熟。


Ling Feng


跟其他中国孩子相比，Ling Feng显得比较成熟而独立。后期他出现的次数很多，但我最记得的还是他第一次出现时候被Jim的飞盘砸中了脑袋……


Bruce


澳大利亚男孩，因为在中国看到下雪的圣诞节而欣喜不已。之后他还有多次露面，最有趣的就是和一大群人去猴岛旅游了。



Mary很晚才出来，又是一个西方式长发美人。我似乎记得她姓Smith。


其他人……


除了以上15人之外，还有一些让人记住的同学。比如MaLili，初一初二她都出现了，而且都是喊"起立"的那一个。看来，她就是1班里学号1号的学生了。还有Sun Huimin、Li Ming、LiuMing、Fang Xiaoling、Bob White……等等。



现在想起来，仿佛他们就是我们当初的同学一样……


记得最后一课（澳大利亚的那座大石头山）结束后，结束框里就简简单单一句话：Goodbye everyone，Goodluck！我学到这里不禁热泪盈眶……

I’ve been in Sinapore for 2 years

时间飞逝而过。

我好像真的是没什么回忆。

其实也不尽然。主要是自己太懒惰，每天除了八卦就是学习，除了吃饭就是睡觉。两耳不闻天下事，一心只读圣贤书。

而且，新加坡的课本能算得上是圣贤书吗？

想出去逛逛，想去些景色秀丽的地方。

想想我还没去过首都北京，还没爬过长城呢。不到长城非好汉，我想证实一下，是不是真的站在长城顶上，登高望远，便会忘却一切世俗烦恼，心胸也会如同雄伟的长城般开阔?

想象自己人生交响曲的辉煌章节才刚刚奏出前奏，到底还有多少个不安跳跃的音符在等着我？

有时希望人生向平坦的高速公路一般，没有坎坷。

但那样的人生有什么激情？

我不需要激情！我只要平安的过自己普通的一生！

但我渴望挑战！我不在乎人生的长短，只希望可以活出自我，时刻挑战自己的极限！

这样矛盾的两种想法，有时会在一种生活中，产生奇妙的化学反应。

Where am I going?

这几天，突然对未知的JC生活充满了恐惧。我到底要去哪里？
我现在才发现自己是真的没有勇气面对一个人的生活。如果我的会考也拿6分，那我要去华初吗？我真的不想去那种分有好班差班的学校，这可能会让我很没自信。难道去Raffles?我也很清楚自己的实力，在压力那么大的学校里，我一个人真的可以撑过来吗？
现在只希望最终的Moderation后，能多几个女生和我在一起。I can't see why the teachers want to hold us back. Some of us obviously have the potential. I don't think the teachers are fair at all.

想去一个陌生的地方

某天突然发现其实我是很厌倦我现在的生活，以及身边的一些人的。

好像我之前离不开Hwa Chong 宿舍，不能承受自己一个人住一样。

现在好像都想开了。

Scarlet is leaving. I don't know. I am really thunderstruck by te fact that one of my best friends is leaving. She isn't the only one. Lost of others are parting with me. Among them are some towards whom I can open and confess my heart.

Now I'm tired. I suddenly find that something I've being doing recently seems really ridiculous.

But it's okay. 就像珍娜说的，我就要开始新生活了。

Prelim result is more or less out

暂时可以松一口气了。Prelim成绩虽比Mid-year差很多，但我想来想去觉得差不多就是我的水平。

很多朋友考的都不是很理想。Nevertheless, moderation后就差不多了。怎么说呢，很希望大家不要分散得太厉害，我大概很难再交到这么一群朋友了。

O Level还是一道槛，我也不敢懈怠。只能对自己说加油，吸取这次考试的种种教训，争取上理想的JC.

其实有时我也在想，JC后又要怎样呢？我的处世能力太差，我也不觉得我的智商能去什么大公司应聘。典型的"高分低能"

走一步算一步吧。杞人忧天没有用。关键是要去努力，去实现。

9/23/2007 The leading man

在YouTube 看到这部电影的一个片花，天哪，是Jon Bon Jovi演的，而且内容还很少儿不宜……当时的Jon还很年轻啊。那女的好象是演Mission Impossible 2的……

最近一直在听Green day 的歌。现在才发现American Idiot这张专辑是反战的。真的很不错。Boulevard of broken dreams, Holiday, American Idiot和Wake me up when September ends 着几首歌的MV我都看了。论MV当然是Wake me up when September ends比较好啦。有情节。但是我最喜欢的歌还是Boulevard of broken dreams。 Billy Joe，这个娃娃脸的可爱男生竟是Green day 的主唱。我一直以为那样浑厚的声音属于那种老牌摇滚乐团里上了年纪的主唱

9/21/2007 Thoughts

Well, it's still a few days from the releasing of prelim results, yet every day I feel an urge to record down my feelings 'cos I really need to write something to drive off my nervousness. Still, the mystery of how exactly have I performed In my biology keeps burning the inside of me. I don't know. I just need to know a result. I wonder what it will be like, when I look back on these diaries after the "O"Level. Maybe I'll really enjoy these troubled feelings, or still I have tear to shed.

I wonder whether I'm sane. Anyway, things are happening around me. Many more troubles are coming from many more people. Well, despite the fact that it's understandable, I still believe that no pain no gain. Marks are given to a large extent by merit. I admit I'm indeed lazy. It's okay. I'm still quite confident that I'll be able to accept whatever results I have done.

9/20/2007 I’m just afraid

Oh shit. I'm feeling more and more dreadful with every second passing by. I kept looking back on how I had finished my physics and biology papers and was getting more and more worried as more and more stupid mistakes, which would took most of my marks, were found out. Yet I really didn't have the strength to pull myself back to the track. How I wish that a fire will do me a favor by just engulfing all the prelim physics papers, so that I would have a chance of being tested again. This, however, would surely occur only in fictions.

Calm down, I can't just beat myself down like this. Come to think about this, it's only an exam, and the worst part of all is that I go to NJC, which I have prepared myself to accept. Of course, it's not likely to happen. Maybe I'll just go to VJC, which in my opinion is quite okay. Or if I can get satisfactory mark I would go to the school of my dream, Hwa Chong.

Well, no pain no gain. I have already felt that I didn't really put as much effort as I should have. I regret. I always believe that I could have done much better. But, well, studying is just something that will challenge your self-control. Okay, I believe I will do as good in VJ as in Hwa Chong. Never mind, the result is not out yet, so please don't frighten yourself in any way. Believe yourself.

9/18/2007成绩渐渐出来了

很茫然，不知道如何是好。上学的第一个星期，老师不给成绩，非要等到下个星期一。这真的是段很煎熬的时期。我极度疯狂的想知道成绩。每个人大概都如此吧。老师上课讲别的我是无论如何都听不进去了。天哪。

成绩让人很无奈。尤其是中华文学。据老师讲来应该是很不好了。大家都义愤填膺。我也是其中一员吧。虽然说追根究底还是自己知识不扎实。怎么说呢。我挺难面对这个事实的。真的。我宁愿相信是自己太笨了学不进去。这样的想法真的是很不负责任。我就是没有办法相信我会砸在这最后一次考试上。来新加坡考了这么多次试，结果在唯一决定我命运的关键考试上马虎了。That's really cruel reality.

总体来说，我实在没法给自己的这次表现下任何的定论。我没法估分。现在我越回想，越觉得我错了很多题，越觉得心里发寒，浑身颤抖，胸闷气短头疼。还是不想为妙，但不想又不可能呀。真是"拟把疏狂图一醉，对酒当歌，强乐还无味。衣带渐宽终不悔，为伊消得人憔悴"啊。

还是要等。等吧。

Finally I finished my prelim…

Well, how to say? I cannot really describe my feelings accurately now. It's like I'm going to face something that are extremely horrendous, yet at the same time, exciting. Yes, I really would like to know the results of my exams immediately, although I reckon I may really cry if I know how badly I have done.

Sometimes I just like to cling on things, again and again, knowing that it would lead me to an inevitable mistake but being not able to control myself. Well, it's either that I intend not to correct myself, or that I'm really too stupid to recognize my lop-sided behavior.

It's very likely that I may not be able to go to Hwa Chong Junior College, to which I have hoped to go for two years. Well, I think I really hate the idea of migrating, leaving a hostel that I have been living for 2 years. I'm sort of like carbon peroxide, which binds easily with oxygen but won't dissociate that easy. It takes a considerable amount of time to get used to this boarding school, but once I have lived here for 2 years, I really don't want to leave for another new boarding school, which would surely means that I might have to sacrifice another year to get used it. Maybe it won't take that long. But come to think about it. I would readily admit the fact that I'm a failure and that I 'm not that flexible, rather than try my luck in another boarding school. I obviously lack of adaptability.

At NUS Annual Mathematics Ceremony

I've really forgotten the complete name for the prize-giving ceremony already... So I anyhow make up a name myself.
Yesterday I really saw a very handsome boy, who looked like Zhang Guanghan, at NUS. Well, sometimes I think I'm a bit too stupid at this kind of things.
Anyway yesterday was a shame, if I were to say. Sitting there like some idiots, all of us four, and then got on the stage to receive the most worthless prize. What a hell! I really don't understand how they come out with such a "Honorable Mentioned" Prize. It's just so harsh.
Well, now everything seems totally a mess. Now I've really lost my direction. I'm still struggling with my Chinese Lit. Yes, exactly the sort of thing I would do. I don't know what I'm living for

误会

有的时候，其实不知道自己该不该写Blog. 觉得我还不够成熟，不知道什么该写什么不该写，把自己曝露在阳光之下。日记还是有一定用的……
一直觉得自己的冲动也许已经伤了好多人了，亲人，朋友，甚至是陌生人。
好像我说话前都是欠考虑的……如果我说我不是故意的肯定没人相信，因为我自己都不相信。敢做敢当啊，而且我肯定是故意的。只不过想给自己找个好理由而已。幼稚。
所以下面的话也是用心的。如果我伤害了谁，那我肯定是有意的，可是，现在我改变主意了。这种马后炮的事情是很白痴的，但是要相信我是做得出的。我为我过激的言语道歉

新的年轻语言

我就不理解，干吗我身边的这些自以为成熟的人整天把脏话挂在嘴边。我靠，他们简直就是一群没有头脑的猪啊。要是在气头上那我觉得也无可厚非，关键是连开玩笑都戴上了脏话，接受不了就说开不起玩笑。有没有头脑啊。什么东西都有个限度，每个人的承受能力不同。我知道那些女人就算被骂成“贱人”“淫贱”或是“贱货”也无所谓，因为她们本来就是啊。但她们也不能要求每个人都接受吧，因为我们其他人都是有人格，有尊严的啊，她们贱，她们没人格，就觉得这个世界都没人格吗？什么逻辑？！我不能再忍了。以牙还牙。不管她们有多么受人欢迎，我都不应该再委屈自己。我要坚持我自己的公平。

我想去东海岸

晕 不爽，今天本来要去East Coast的，但突然就肚子疼了……

越来越不喜欢自己了

我越来越让人无法忍受了。我心眼小，优柔寡断，爱抱怨，悲观，一天永远找不到几件快乐的事。
其实都是自己逼自己的，我自己逼自己不快乐，于是就很不快乐。但我心里想快乐，我是被逼得不快乐的，所以我更不快乐了。
我发现自己越来越口齿不清了。我不知道我脑子都在想些什么，所以就不知道我在干什么。
人生路上，我还要走很久。

考试尾声

笔试快结束了，剩下的就是实验了。呵呵，无语。LX和WW两个白痴，整天说我虚伪。发个文章都被议论。
可能我人就是这样的，永远没自信。从来都没觉得自己考好过。
This is a torturing sensation. How I wish I can be stronger, happier and more confident.
What am I afraid of?
The compre paper sucks. I felt like dreaming during the exam. I don't understand the questions at all.
I didn't manage to finish my compos, either. I'm desperate. It's not about the mark. I'm just wondering whyI can never finish my compo in time, both English and Chinese. It's like I've tried to improve for 3 years and now I am still a failure. I'm really afraid of another failure. I'm afraid of trying anymore.
So pathetic.

哈5的壁纸

一直听人说Harry Potter 5里的人都长畸形了，今天看了看图片，发现Ron还是很可爱的。 Luna Lovegood很漂亮啊。她是我很喜欢的角色。Ginny长得的确不怎么样。

物理考砸了

我从未觉得生命中如此昏暗无光过。

其实考试前我还在想，如果没有什么大的问题的话我的物理应该是不会有什么问题的。虽然说物理从来都没拿过高分，但每次都很险地过了A1大关。我想这次应该也可以吧，不必提我考试前还作过了一些复习呢。

但是结果让人无奈。

有时我不知道我到底有没有头脑。

物理还有实验要考。

我总是把正确的答案改成错的。

天呐。如果我因此与华初失之交臂会怎么样？

生活像是被阴霾笼罩着。我不知道要怎么集中注意力。还需要考别的吗？I'm already lost

Before Prelim 14/8/07

Hold on. I know i am feeling frustrated now. I am. I want to go home. I just feel that i am really unable to face my exams. Is it that bad? Are exams that furious? Perhaps. I know, however, that the problem lies within me. I simply refused to take pressure. I seem to have denied myself even before e exams. I seem to be sure that i won't be able to do it. But i don't believe it. I have faith in myself. I must face the truth. Exams are coming. I know i am afraid and i think there's simply nothing wrong with being afraid. But on the other hand i also believe firmly that i must not give in to my fears. All the past, all that i've done wrong, just let it be. What i can master is only today. I cannot know what i will be in e future. Tomorrow is always a surprise. Life is never easy. Life is like a box of chocolate and you know what you will get till you open it. But, the most basic thing is that you must have e courage to open it. Now i know i must hold on to today. I 'm always e master. Yes. Study. I can and i'll make it. I'll make it to Hwachong. I'll definitely take e most satisfactory result home. That'll be a fact.

Oral 13/8/2007

Life is really miserable. I am feeling desperate by now. I keep telling myself that the oral exam is over and that i should not think about it any more. However i just cannot rest my mind. This is something that i have never anticipated. I am drowning. I cannot account for my failure. It takes less that 3 minutes to crash my dream, while i had been building that dream for half a year. Less than 3 minutes, can it ever make up for my hardwork? Impossible. I am in deep regret now. If only i had been clear, if only i hadn't been worrying about the time. I am too nervous. Can i ever get over it? Oh god please help me. I regret.

O Level English Oral 13/8/2007

I finally finished my o level english oral exam. I actually felt that i had done rather badly. I could only remember that i talked some unsystematical things. And i had done bad in my reading aloud. I felt like all my past practices on reading was in vain. My nervousness again betrayed me, leaving me such an unsatisfactory result. Speechless. Well okay. I still have a long way to go. They say people learn from mistakes. I now am only regretting that i hadn't made those mistakes before. Prelim is around e corner. Even if it's a part of the O Level, i really have no spare time for any failure that cannot be changed. Isn't that sad?

I got 22/30 for my Situational Writing

This script really amazed me. This is sort of "The blind cat can catch the dead mouse" thing. This would never make me feel any better about my English. I really think that my vocabulary and my expressions suck. I have to admit that it is the lack of time that triggered to write those words which I previously thought must be very off. If I were to write faster, I would really get a so-called "Low-standard" script which had the wrong focus.

Recently I've been desperately trying to improve my English. I finally begin to read. However reading doesn't seem to help me much (or rather I have never read properly). All I feel is that I am still using those "old-fashioned" that I had used for at least 3 years, since my left for Singapore. I don't know how to plug in those "high-level" vocabularies.

Die die must try. This is typical" Singlish". But this can describe my situation very accurately and vividly. Although I really feel that English is driving me crazy, I still have to try.

 

I am going to buy Nokia N73！Music Edition!

Mikhail Gorbachev

We have just finished the Chapter of the Fall of the Communist Empire in History. Then I gradually came to understand the former leader of the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev.

It's really hard to give a comprehensive judgment of this man. In my view he is a hero, who had the heart and ambition, but eventually failed.

He was quite farseeing, as in he could see what was needed to really improve the developments of the Soviet Union. However, at the same time, he was not wise enough. Maybe he hadn't expected that he might fail one day. Or I would rather believe that he had thought of his failure, but was still determined to take a go on his political career, or more accurately, on the destiny of his nation.

When the collapse of the Soviet Union and the communism seemed inevitable, Gorbachev still endeavored to find a solution. He refused to give his country or his people up. His policies were brilliantly, but not applicable to the Soviet Union of that period, and thus, in a way, sped up the fall of the Communist Empire.

It all seemed ridiculously, when I read about the fact that the communist hard-liners thought Gorbachev's actions were all anti-communism. Didn't any one of them have sense? Couldn't they foresee what would happen to the USSR if no informs were introduced? And the people, why were they all so shortsighted? Was it true that no one in the Soviet Union could understand his pure diligence?

However, I knew clearly that all my accusations were just biased. No one was to be blamed. That is history. You have no stand to give judgments about anything, if you have never experienced the event yourself. In most occasions you can't even differentiate the right and wrong, because that is called history, such a complex subject that you can never know the exact solution which you can expect to get in science. Maybe this is the charm of literature.

Gorbachev, if I am to say, is a hero, who has born in a wrong age.

新买了保温瓶

来新加坡后的第一个保温瓶是紫色的,上面很古典的印着"紹"的繁体形式。可惜被我摔得不成样子，瓶身伤痕累累，有些地方的漆也被刮掉了。最后在勉强坚持的半年多后终于光荣退休了。

之后我借了冰莹的杯子来用，也是紫色的，比我以前的色深了点。以前是明快的紫，有点偏桃红。冰莹的杯子颜色却深沉些，由于不是用漆涂的，所以还稍带了金属的闪光色。新杯子体积很小，顶多有我以前那个的三分之二。

第二个杯子不是我的，但还是没能逃脱厄运。我虽不是故意的，但我的不细心给那个杯子上刻下了起码有五个疤。今天，我满怀歉意的还给她了。

为了解决杯子问题，我星期五下午和于尧去了Ang Mio Kio Fairprice Extra。那里的便携型保温杯只有一种，银色的，made in Japan。全身爬满了日语，没英文没中文。颜色我不是很习惯，同型号的还应该有一款大红色的，但没卖的了。在我郁闷地发现这是唯一的保温杯时，我还是毫不犹豫买了它。S$43,都比我钢笔贵了。

我的那篇"How I Made A Difference"被送出去参赛了。本来还想所可能换个纪念奖，但最后发现只有前三名有奖品。晕，很小气啊。看来我没希望了。

Failure

什么事都搞不定。人际关系真有那么难吗？学习真有那么重要吗？Life is a mess. I want something real.

快要Prelim了

I scored 29 for my English oral

Speechless

A score that is neither too high nor too low

So I don't need to laugh or to cry.

Life is like this

Prelim is coming

I am really stressed

Too many things happened

Science practical made me feel like an idiot.

Ho Ho

Be a happy girl

Start reviewing my friends!

快乐男声总冠军花落西安

我在想，近了近了，下次会不会有咸阳的帅哥去参选啊。哦哈哈哈。

西安也不错，西咸都一体化了。我们北方除了将军，也是有会唱歌的男生的啊。哈哈。南方男人一个个感觉都弱不禁风。自我感觉北方的女生，如同我，比那些娘娘腔强多了。这就是我们北方人的本色。西安是故都，咸阳更古啊。虽然说这个经济文化各方面都让人无语，但我还是喜欢咸阳，生我养我的地方，培育我性格人生观的地方。

易建联被炮轰

其实我这人不怎么看新闻的。今天偶尔就瞅着了易建联被那个什么黄健翔给骂了。其实对这事情我的了解几乎为零。但我还是小小同情一下易建联。果然，人越出名就越有着争议啊。且不说他的话（无论到哪里，我都会好好打球。因为我背后背着'中国'，代表着13亿人口。）到底是不是乱讲话，到底是不是悲哀。人家一个人在NBA想闯出点事业多不容易啊。像我只不过留在了个新加坡，只不过是个小小的留学生，留在一个不怎么样的学校，各方面素质也不怎么样，我还是觉得各方面要做得规规矩矩，不要丢中国人的脸。不管如何，我觉得大家心境差不多，尽管人家是高高在上的大球员。高处不胜寒啊。

没什么可批评的。我觉得支持才重要。即使那个姓黄的觉得人家话说得真有问题，也可以采用温和方式提出。而他现在的炮轰，让我的脑海浮现出了母猪发情的景象。世界上就是有一些人，巴不得别人不知道他们的存在啊。以为自己有才，就"语不惊人死不休"，想拿到百分之百的注视率。呵呵，真可笑啊。

兴许我是觉得自己的境遇也够悲哀的了，什么事都做不好。我当然太平凡了，不会有人浪费口水说我的，但我依然渴望支持，直到有人总会在我快倒下的时候扶起我，在我被别人否定时鼓励我。

再想想那些炮轰，总觉得是为了显示自己多么有性格而放上去的。这没什么不可能的。像一个暴发户，需要不停地花钱，向别人显示自己是有钱的。

只不过，暴发户花钱那是为祖国经济建设作贡献，而因为爱乱叫而对别人妄加批评的人，则是丝毫没有向自己有没有立场，恨不得把白抹成黑来表现自己与众不同的人。

Leaving Band

Yesterday the symphonic band, my CCA, completed their final performance. He Miao and I got our certificates. We actually went on stage to receive the certificate, despite the fact that we didn't join the performance at all. After that, we received a lot of cards from our section mates, but they didn't cheer us up. I felt that the words on the all the cards were actually the same, nothing more than wishing us to get to the junior college of our dreams.

However, I knew clearly that I deserve no more than that. I sometimes felt that I was completely a failure, who only blew things up. Everything I had done couldn't be seen as contributions. After all I had no ability to contribute anything. That was sad. That was me.

I had no ability to learn percussion, or to perform. I could not stand to look into the teachers' eyes. I couldn't stand to stay with band any more. Every time I entered the band room I felt pressure and depress. I couldn't cope with the life here. Frankly speaking I was not too stupid, but rather too lazy to learn. I valued my curriculum and study much more than band. That's why I failed. Besides that, I often got nervous. I could finish a music part by myself easily, but not when someone was around, checking my skills.

I am not sure whether I am able to adapt to the life here in Singapore. I participated in math and science competitions, projects and performance. But I seemed to be a failure every time.

Leaving band gives me a complex feeling. I don't want to describe it. But the thing is, I am free now. No matter what a stupid idiot I have been, no matter how my fellows and teachers view me or even despise me, I finally get back to my ordinary days, and my direction is never changed. I am gonna work hard. I am going to Hwa Chong, the Junior College of my dream.

爱就一个字

拨开天空的乌云　像蓝丝绒一样美丽
我为你翻山越岭　却无心看风景
我想你　身不由己　每个念头有新的梦境
但愿你没忘记　我永远保护你
不管风雨的打击　全心全意

两个人相互辉映　光芒盛过夜晚繁星
我为你翻山越岭　却无心看风景
我向你鼓足勇气　凭爱情地图散播讯息
但愿你没忘记　我永远保护你
从此不必再流浪找寻

爱就一个字　我只说一次
你知道我只会用行动表示
野花太放肆　守住了坚持
看我为你孤注一掷

爱就一个字　我只说一次
恐怕听见的人勾起了相思
热闹的城市　搜索你的影子
让你幸福我愿意试
(让你幸福是我一生在乎的事)

Muji- No Brand

想买个MUJI的铅笔盒

我好傻噢

Yu Yao’s Birthday- Happy 17th’s birthday!

Yesterday when we went to buy sushi together, Yu Yao said that the two years' life in Singapore was just a waste of time. Indeed the length was two years, but we were so empty. The most recent memory we had was probably the ones in China.

I suddenly realized. For the last two years ,we had been constantly talking about the past, the precious memory of China, of the former Secondary life.

I tried hard to find some meaningful events but failed.

How could I improve the life quality?

Reflection

I cried, when I succeeded in quitting the band's final performance.

He Miao's and my part were both reduced to a poor amount. Unable to stand this anymore, she claimed to the former section leader that she didn't want to continue the performance.

I actually also hated the idea of performing such little amount. And I was afraid if I would just spoil the whole thing.

This afternoon on entering the band room, the band leader came to us and told us that we could drop the piece, and that we could get the certificate anyway even if we were spectators.

I felt lost. And suddenly I found I hadn't done anything during my two years in band. I was really ashamed.

How dare I talk to my section leader like that?

I knew this was only an instant thought. My thought would change dramatically with just a little variation of the environment. And anyway, the situation today just made me feel like I was an irresponsible idiot.

The former band leader also came to comfort us. She said it really didn't matter that we couldn't play well. Actually it was really okay as she herself wasn't a successful drummer in Sec 2. She only started hard practicing from Sec 3. Also, scholars like us didn't really have time to practice( except my senior Peiqian). We would face the problem of being sent back to China if we couldn't handle the study.

I knew it was just comforting words. I appreciated the fact that she, a seemingly stern leader, had the heart to solace us, although I was not sure whether our leaves could make percussion better. But I did hope so. I hope Percussion could put up a wonderful show this time, and I had confidence in them.

However, for myself, I could only say that my choice of CCA was a complete mistake. I should have followed my heart, just like what Mohan had once said.

It's alright, I am learning

I cried when I left the band room. My mind was a mixture of feelings. I felt shameful. But what was more, I was deeply touched by my two years' life in this school and this band.

I suddenly felt that this group of people was very adorable.

I didn't know what to say. Indeed I was the trouble-maker.

I was glad that I was finally freed, but deep in my heart, this freedom was just another form of constriction and pressure to my mind.

I was confused. What about my life after this?

落寞

落寞是一种感觉

有的时候，会十分任性地，毫无理由地，为一些毫无意义的事物所挣扎，继而产生一种想留住它的冲动。

尽管我知道那从不属于我。

尽管我相信，冥冥之中事物早有定数，不是我的强留也没意义。

但我就陷在了这无意义中，

徘徊而难以放手，哪怕自己已遍体鳞伤。

强烈的主宰感，从属感。

我的确拉不住它。茫然若失。认真地感受这它从手中滑出，一闪即逝的感觉。

用心品味个中之微妙。仿佛心与心的较量。

The International Math Competiton

I failed again, on math, which is the subject that I am most confident in
The questions were easy, I could have got a full mark
But I didn't
I slept at 4 am this morning and woke up at 6am
and the tea alone is not powerful enough to keep me awake

So I was totally in a state of slumber when I dealt with the last three questions that required the most amount of thinking and concentration
Although my mind was excited by the exam and not fully numb,
I just failed working out the last three
that seemed so easy to me afterwards.

Maybe I should be punished
I should just endure this torture,
to help me remember what destructive would be resulted
if I just cannot deal with my everyday life

Be organized
Have enough rest
Acquire a clear mind
Then utilize my knowledge
based on the first three steps

To Be Alive

To live in this world
to live and live well

I need a reason to carry on
I need a direction
I don't want to fall down any more,
even though I know I could have lifted myself up.

No I don't wanna do that

I am just afraid
what if I lose the courage to stand up
what if I lost the strength to support myself

The situation is fixed.
No one is gonna back me up
if I couldn't even learn to stand up again myself.

So please
baby
try
I know you wanna scream.
I know you are going to burst out

Let me just be grateful
that I am still standing

Mistakes that has been made
Faults that had been done
whatever that is making me regretting

Let them be
Let them go with the wind

Whatever that is done has been done
I have shed tears
I have tasted failure

Now all the meaningless thoughts should be stopped
They won't help the situation any way.

Clear the mess and regain the strength
Find the direction and follow it
The track of life
the trace of nature

I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
I don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I ain't gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie

To live and live well
It's great to be alive

买到钢笔了

为了这支得之不易的钢笔我已经跑了三天了。本来想看看有没有买便宜的Pelikan，结果从Bugis跑到Orchard跑了两天也没找到合适的。贵的太吓人，便宜的又太便宜，让我不敢相信它的性能。痛苦啊，我口袋里的钱已经烧开了，争先恐后的想往出挤。不得已我退而求其次，想着要不就买了那Parker 45得了。但又被Kinokuniya内卖的Lamy Vista透明杆给吸引了。大脑做了很长时间的挣扎。终于，在比较了其与Parker 45, Lamy Al-star 后，我毅然决然地为那只散发着独特气息的透明vista赎了卖身契。现在它是我的了。
笔尖是12F的，不懂。随带的那个什么卡式墨水我就更不知道怎么用了。晕。有没有专家来指导一下？
这支笔用起来十分的滑，感觉像在润滑油上写字一样。但也因此没有我以前那只Parker45的真实感了。Parker45划在纸上时，有些许阻力，但可以写得很坚定。这支笔很顺，但却不能随我心而动。总觉得自己写字时表达竟不甚流畅。不锈钢的与铱金的还是有差别的啊。不过我们既然成了朋友，就会越来越有默契的吧

指甲油

某晚心血来潮，看见了冰莹的无色透明指甲油就跃跃欲试。结果我涂了十个指头，起码用了三十个指头的油量，和一大堆洗甲水，因为我涂得太烂，所以是涂了又洗的。

然后自己买了护甲油和洗甲水，Sally Hansen 的。对这种东西牌子没有什么研究啦。感觉还好吧。

我喜欢盯着涂过护甲油的指甲看，那种闪闪的，可以反光的感觉，总让我想到晶莹剔透的露珠。那种细腻的饱和的珍珠贝般的光泽，让手有种被呵护的感觉。指甲上不经意的褶皱，也有一种优雅，古典，沧桑之感。似乎护甲油给了指甲生命的活力。（不过大概是因为我的指甲本身长的难看吧）

不幸的一天

Today during my CCA, I was scolded again, and was then told that the crash part that I had been practicing for almost a month would be played someone else.

The reason was that I had blown up the new suspended cymbal part.

I didn't say anything. What could I possibly say? I had absolute no stand to comment on everything they did to me. Nor could I resist or defend myself.

I admit that I am stupid and not talented at all in music. And my joining band from the start was a mistake. I should have followed my dream and interest, instead of controlled rigidly by the cruel CCA mark. Up to this stage I could only taste the tragic effect of my stupid choice.

However, I wanna cry out. I could not stand it any longer. I hate them. From the bottom of my heart, I feel that few of the people in my section was kind-hearted.

I feel devastated.

Yet, I could go on. I firmly believe that.

I am always ready to fight with them. I try not to get nervous. They will insult me in whatever way them could, but that would make me even more persevering to hold on my believes.

让我爱你

在我的众多英文歌中，不经意间又听到了我小学时很迷恋的F4的声音。那时他们当时给星际宝贝唱的中文主题曲《Can’t help falling in love》，当时为了搞那个MTV，我不知跑了多少家音像店啊。

现在再重温时，仍然是觉得声音最温柔最有特色的是周渝民，那个当年迷倒无数少女的花泽类。哈哈，夸张一下。我当时可是把零花钱全部投在他们的专辑上了。现在那一堆堆碟大概是在我的房子某个角落享受蜘蛛网的覆盖吧。

冲动了一下，我又把《让我爱你》下载了。真好听。电视剧不怎么样，但这首歌挺经典。徐熙媛我就不说啥了，同性相斥。但渝民哥哥的声音啊，真是太纯了，让我感觉他是个长不大的有着长长睫毛的秀气男生（我怎么感觉我像大婶了）。感觉他是在用心唱歌，很富有感情的。论音色他是没有吴健豪出色的，不过我觉得他那种纯和诚能够感动我。真的是邻家大哥哥的感觉啊（我真是太花痴了）

注释

上一篇里的

从上至下

1. 英国Conway Stewart的邱吉尔型酪素塑料版本，全球限量40支

2.万宝龙限量的美国国旗 18K白金制造

3.派克现代使用丙烯酸树脂的各款Duofold
4.派克经典51型笔

新的几张

1.Conway Stewart百年纪念黄金版

2.万宝龙莫扎特珊瑚版

3.英国Conway Stewart使用树脂制造的各款产品

最近迷上了钢笔……

2006-11-14

I'm finally back to Xianyang…When I stepped down the little narrow plane and felt the air of my hometown, rushing all the way to the collecting luggage place, I was not really too excited. Then I

quickly found mine and rushed out of the airport, I saw my parents, my sister and my best friends Mengmeng , Mingming and Lulu. How happy I felt. And I was lucky, cos' I was the only one in the airport who was welcomed by good friends. Before I arrived, I don't quite believe I would cry. But at that time my tears couldn't control themselves and just flew down my cheeks. Then, affecting by me, my sister and my friends burst into tears too. My parents tried hard to stop themselves from crying.

My friend brought me a Liitle BuBu. Very Cute. I love it. Along with the bear was a scarf. Beautiful and warming. I really appreciated them. Just like our warming friendship. We went to Little Sheep for hot pots after that. We ate a lot. I must have intaken lost of fat. But I don't care.

My friends won't be able to stay with me for long cos' they've still got exams and they had to prepared for their High School Exam. I don't think the name is appropriated

In the first few days, I just went to my grandma's and ate many local delicious too. I felt like want to eat up the whole province. You just can't expect any Singaporean food to be tasted like that.

Today I went to see my teachers. My Math, Physics and English teachers. They can be considered as nice. We also visited our headmaster. He had once come to Xin Min and visited us.

A beautiful day. Many beautiful days. I just expect a simpler life, a striving life and… I don't know. Just not want to face it. Reality, I hate it, also like it.

2006-10-27

今天早上12点才从床上爬起来，然后就一直浪费时间……上了两个小时的网，网速死慢死慢的。20分钟才开一个网页。什么世道？电脑终于送去修了，不知道他将来的命运会不会比现在坎坷？深表同情……星期一要考快捷华文。我现在写作文如同便秘，连个屁都挤不出来。一提到作文就头疼，更别提什么报章报道，公函私函了。新加坡的华文教育让我很是郁闷啊。

这几天看天龙八部，由于华文水平的直线下滑，看书速度都死慢死慢了。再加上乔峰正在被陷害，我就憋了一肚子的气。换了本英文的HarryPotter看，觉得snape真TM贱。再加上看了二小时才看了一章多，对自己的语言能力极其质疑失望。郁闷到了极点。

现在的生活就是一场郁闷的电视连续剧，乌云散去重见天日的那一天仿佛还远在天边。Life is miserable. 最让人无奈的还是人心。人心真是不简单。无论如何都控制不了，改变不了。罢了罢了，那就别去改了。快要回去了，要见到永远站在我身边支持我的朋友了。感激她。在新加坡的日子，若是没有她，我要如何面对我身边的一切事实与虚伪呢？如何去平衡自己的心理，接受一切偏见呢？也许我这样的人是不讨人喜欢罢了。那只是他们瞎了眼。萌萌说的对，无法改变别人，难道还不能坚持自己么？坚持对的，微笑下去，做生活中的强者。

今天，我在说什么？晕了吧。感慨无限。

Anyway, why do we fall? we fall to learn to stand up again.

2006-12-21

I don't know why, but, but, but, something, may be my leaving for Singapore, has been preventing me from enjoying the happiness of staying at home…

I began to be more dependent on music, on Bon Jovi.

I think he's fabulous. Every song of his has been so impressive, so infectious. They cannot bring me to heaven. However, they bring heaven to me. My dreamland, making me realize that heavy metal seems so soft and smooth.

I used to fancy light and mild colours, such as sky blue and light green. Now I'm more prone to warm or even violent colours.

I like pure red, pure black, pure yellow and golden.

I'm changed.

Suddenly I found I was using all kinds of lies to deceive myself. I told myself I should rest for the whole holiday, then later I found out I was just looking for any excuse to release myself from my duty.

I used to hate myself for all my daydreaming. They seem so far from someone like me. I used to live in great self-deprecation.

Now I know something new.

Open the heart, so that sunshine can get in.

Deeply touched by Yu Dan and her talk. The greatest weapon in the world, is the serenity of mind.

Accept those your so-called unfairness, and try to improve yourself.

2007-01-27

Today I found every Chinese in the boarding school except my fellows from Xianyang is very rich. There's a boy whose father is a mayor. Others' parents are mostly businessmen. This reminds me of the ancient China, where women are to marry rich men, and at least the men must have more property than women. I used to think this thought is very vulgar in the eyes of youth nowadays. But a senior tells me it's not true. She said she was to find a boy who had to be richer than her. Money in this world was the most important factor. I was quite startled. She then told me there was a girl in her school who always liked rich men and spent his money.

This world itself is like this, I thought. When I was in primary school I believed in romance in soap operas. Now I am in secondary school I believe that true love can overcome all the obstacles. I despise things that are linked with money. But I wonder what I will be like in the future. The senior who told me those is going to be 19. She has a boyfriend. I think people will be mature after 18. But I don't think she's more mature than me. Or rather, I am the most childish one who have never experienced real life.

钢笔

刚刚来新加坡时，我就买了一支PARKER的钢笔。60新币，对我来说是一笔巨款了。笔很漂亮。而且我越看它越漂亮。很不幸的，我把它摔了。笔尖扭掉了，我深受打击，狠不下心买新的，就把那支笔用了一年多。感觉还好，还是很滑的。呵呵，最近想买新的。不知买什么牌子。人越穷，越喜欢买贵的。我就是有这种虚荣心理。不过还好。我还能控制住自己。准备最近去商店转转。其实刚刚上网查了下钢笔，有一种要去专门的钢笔店转转的冲动，不过还是忍住了。头脑发热时就要想想我的身份。一个学生而已，干吗去笔店转？60新币对现在我的来说是个极限了。看什么牌子呢？好的又卖不起。哎，我决定赶快买到一个，好让现在的心平静一下，别想东想西了