I didn't review anything today. I went for a Brown Interview this morning, and my performance was...quite disappointing. I forgot to mention lots of important things (How could I even forget? Faint!)
However, I do like the interview. It was more a conversation than a interview. My interviewer is nice and it was pleasant talking to him. But the problem is, the more I learn about Brown, the more I love it, and the more I want to get admitted.
This is so not what I have planned. My original proposal was to just apply some schools and try my luck. The worst result would be to go to NUS. But now, nothing is going according to the plan. I have fallen in love with Brown. Everything about Brown seems perfect to me (quite expected), but I, on the other hand, is extremely ordinary compared to the large pool of excellent students applying Brown.
I could still remember the days when I rushed to complete my essays. I have written over 10 drafts for 2 essays. I asked the help of my friends, my juniors and my teachers. Although no teacher would vet it for me in the end, I still loved those two essays. But me loving it is clearly not enough. Brown must love it, too.
I enjoyed the process, actually. I enjoyed hanging around in College Confidential and CUUS, going over those old threads,admiring all those Niu people who received their dream offers,but also learned from those people who carried on despite of some disappointing rejects.
I learned about US universities, and was fascinated by the curriculum and philosophy of Liberal Arts Educations. I learned about Brown's open curriculum, its lack of frat life, its focus on passion and interest in learning. Then I suddenly realized Brown is just the ideal university I have always been wanting to go to. I became excited, and at the same time, worried. She only admitted a small percent of the large applicants pool, and the chance of me being one of those admitted is low. Truly, I have no fantastic GPA, no fantastic SAT scores, no good leadership experience. But I keep telling myself I have passion and my own goal. So I should go and have a try. At first I really thought it would be just a try. But after all those research, all those essay writing time, I became more and more clear about what I want. Brown has become my dream school. Although I know my chance is low, I do not want to mess up any part of my application.
Still I made some huge mistakes. I didn't do well in prelim. I didn't do well in interview. And at this time I am already not able to comfort myself by saying "it is okay the worst is to go to NUS." I want to go to Brown. I know there are lots of people, many of whom are better than me, out there who think the same. Everyone wants go to a great university.
The more I try, the more hopeful I become, and the more I fear failures.
Now I even wonder whether NUS would be my safety option. After all, I did not really prepare well for A levels. There is a chance I may lose on both sides. What is happening? My plan used to be just write something for the application and then concentrate on A levels. But I went astray, completely. Am I just being silly? Am I just someone who doesn't even know where she stands? Is it just a dream that I may go to Brown someday?
I know that if I could not get this chance, I would never go to Brown again. After all I cannot choose Brown for my graduate program. I try to convince myself that not every wish would come true. Things don't happen just because you wish them to happen. But still I hope I can get into Brown. Maybe I am too hopeful? I don't know.
The interview is not good enough.And my A level is...at stake. I know clearly now what I need to do. I need to put Brown aside and concentrate on my exam. I have messed up the last stage of my application process, and there is just nothing more I can do. I know I love Brown, but why not spend my time doing something more useful, instead of thinking about this again and again?
I feel so much better now that I have written my feelings out. Still, I could not believe that I forgot to mention Blogging today. What was I thinking?
Just carry on. Be hopeful, but be ready for the worst results.
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