Everything is over

I need a new start. I need a new life.

Everything I am doing is confusing me. What am I writing this for? What am I communicating with others for? What am I studying for?

Suddenly my whole life becomes a joke. It is now 2 am in the morning and I don't know where my future lies. I want to give up but I can't, because I have to be responsible as a daughter and as a friend. But who the hell created all the responsibilities? I'm a girl, a student, a friend and a daughter and so what? I have too many questions here but all I can do is follow whatever rules written by others, when I don't even care about them. And now 18 years after I was born, I still don't have a direction. I don't have a goal. My life is boring but everybody tells me that yes that's what you have to go through because this is life. It's about roles and responsibilities. Winners are those who can survive after fulfilling all their duties. So, I am a loser. I have no inter-personal skills. I have no sophisticated brain. I'm not considerate enough.

What if I say I don't want to follow orders? I don't care about all those rules. My life is mine and I can finish it whenever I want. I want to at least set up a goal for myself, a goal that I would really want to work towards, a goal that is not "created by this society and accepted by me". Why do I feel that everything is just so not real? I can give myself up anytime but I still have love from my friends and my family and so I have to carry on.

What is really the meaning of my life? Seriously, please tell me before I lose my clear mind tomorrow, before I go and join others in meaningless activities. My life is never really in my hand. It lies in the opinion of this society.

I don't even want a tomorrow.