Overwhelming fear

It is irritating that I have to use this foreign proxy to log in to my log. I've been home for almost 2 months, and I have successfully done nothing. Well everyday I just eat, watch TV, eat again, watch TV again, and sleep. Life is kind of boring, and there is little thing that I can look forward to.

However, at some level, I am afraid of the near future. I have to face my results in March, and I really have no confidence. They say the unknown makes people afraid. That is damned true. Imagine a month later I have to go back to Hwa Chong to collect my results...I may even tremble when I get hold of the result slip. It is damned frightening.

But I've got to face it by myself. Yes. Whatever the result is, I have to accept it and move on with life. I don't know whether that is easy, but that is possible, and definite.

At this age, well, I think about a lot of things. Career, job, major, love, boyfriend...all mixed together. Whenever I see those unhappy marriages on TV, I wonder if that might happen to me. Whenever I pass by some poor people who have to beg for money on streets, my heart twitches, partly because I feel sorry for them, and partly because I am really uncertain of my future. Will I really earn enough money? Can I get a job? Will any firm hire someone like me? Am I going to be successful? The truth is, I don't even know what major I shall choose in university. I mean, at this age I just have to face a great deal of uncertainties which I hate. Yes. Uncertainty makes me nervous and afraid of the coming days. It really does.

I gotta face everything alone. I know my friends and family will be supporting me but I have to learn to face things alone, however I hate to do that. I think maybe I really need to grow up. People learn from pain and tears.

I am really a coward, aren't I? God please give me some strength. The result, the future. I must learn to fix things by myself. The worst possible outcome is that I kill myself. Then I don't have to deal with any of these at all. I don't know. I really do not know myself well. Am I mature enough to face my life bravely, or will I just take the shortcut to the end of my life?

No. I think I would rather endure the pain of life. At least I know some people will always be there for me. I really do need their support. Oh god life is hard! Why is it planned this way? Why couldn't it be easier on me?

I can't wait for the result to come.