淡定

Sometimes I think I am amazing at ignoring the surrounding. Apparently I succeeded again tonight. I feel quite sad, in fact, that while I am sitting here wasting time alone, my favorite senior is most enjoying himself. Well, I really shouldn't wonder, because this is what I am good at. Being in a party and let everyone feel as if I wasn't there at all.

But I am not complaining. I have for a very long time learnt to enjoy moments like this. You know, it is good to spend some time to organize my thoughts. Plural? I asked myself with amusement. This is the question that Chandler asked Joey in one episode of Friends. Do I have thoughts? I wonder. But I certainly know how to entertain myself at the right time. I learn to feel peaceful. This is a big improvement for me, really.

Still I hope someone would care. Not that I am so desperate for a man, I think I just need someone to make me feel good about myself at all time. It could be just a friend, as long as he or she makes me feel good. But it is a little hard right? Because even my parent would not be able to stay with me at all time to boost my confidence. I am asking for too much, I know. It is silly to ask someone to give you confidence. It is really my problem. I have to find that strength within me and boost it myself. I really should.

I remember somebody once told me that if I don't change at all, I will never be able to find a boyfriend. Well let's just say that I finally decide to give up. I don't want to get all needy and clingy. Or to be more exact, I need to force myself to stop being so needy and insecure.

There's something within me that this world cannot touch. It is the strength I have yet to discover. Sometimes when I am alone and I starting thinking how hard it is to live in this world, I would want to back out. But I know that strength is supporting me. I know I could go much further than I have been.