Apology

I want to apologize for every mistake that I have made since this semester. You might feel confused, or you might not care. I just want to speak out my feelings.

I remember you always tell me to do that. I did, or at least I thought I did, but in a wrong way.

I really regret that I have chosen this job, since I am only good at making simply things complicated. This is a rough semester. I kept quarrelling with my chairperson. I became ill in recess week. And, I might have lost a friend. Looking back, I am just wondering how stupid I must be to let all these happen. It seems all of a sudden nothing really matters now.

I didn’t realize that I was putting an unreasonably harsh burden on you until today. I directed all my anger and problems at you and expected you to be there always. I was so foolish and self-centred that I did not really consider how you might feel. I thought I could solve everything by talking to you directly but I failed. Then I started sending you weird messages like “I value you as a good friend”, followed by a question on the event. I had tried to tell you something but it always came out as something else. I had thought my EQ must be higher than yours, but now I know I am wrong.

I remember you used to think I am interesting, and that it is relaxing to talk to me. I guess I do give people such illusions.

Sometimes I tend to be over-optimistic, in the sense that I had thought if I tried, I would be able to patch up everything. I thought the conversation went great last Thursday, till I realized I made the wrong point.

I know that you might not really care about all these things. But I refuse to accept any worse explanation of the deterioration of our friendship.

I might still be making the wrong point. But, maybe no one really cares now.

I realize I will most probably get a silent reply. But I do not know what I can wish for.

Or if I could wish for things, I wish nothing had changed. I wish I had never taken on this position. I wish I had never lost a friend.

I wish you all the best.

有时，即使你知道一提笔就结束了，你还是要提笔，还是要结束。