沉痛

好像一切都不太对劲儿。
好像从来没有这么考过试。
这是最重要的一次不是吗？
还是被我答得七零八落。

我想不管现在多么茫然，
浪费了多少生命，
都还是要坚持下去。
过了这一段时间，
会找到自己的。

如果真的需要这些代价的话，
那么我只能付出。

I really need to type something tonight

I didn't review anything today. I went for a Brown Interview this morning, and my performance was...quite disappointing. I forgot to mention lots of important things (How could I even forget? Faint!)

However, I do like the interview. It was more a conversation than a interview. My interviewer is nice and it was pleasant talking to him. But the problem is, the more I learn about Brown, the more I love it, and the more I want to get admitted.

This is so not what I have planned. My original proposal was to just apply some schools and try my luck. The worst result would be to go to NUS. But now, nothing is going according to the plan. I have fallen in love with Brown. Everything about Brown seems perfect to me (quite expected), but I, on the other hand, is extremely ordinary compared to the large pool of excellent students applying Brown.

I could still remember the days when I rushed to complete my essays. I have written over 10 drafts for 2 essays. I asked the help of my friends, my juniors and my teachers. Although no teacher would vet it for me in the end, I still loved those two essays. But me loving it is clearly not enough. Brown must love it, too.

I enjoyed the process, actually. I enjoyed hanging around in College Confidential and CUUS, going over those old threads,admiring all those Niu people who received their dream offers,but also learned from those people who carried on despite of some disappointing rejects.

I learned about US universities, and was fascinated by the curriculum and philosophy of Liberal Arts Educations. I learned about Brown's open curriculum, its lack of frat life, its focus on passion and interest in learning. Then I suddenly realized Brown is just the ideal university I have always been wanting to go to. I became excited, and at the same time, worried. She only admitted a small percent of the large applicants pool, and the chance of me being one of those admitted is low. Truly, I have no fantastic GPA, no fantastic SAT scores, no good leadership experience. But I keep telling myself I have passion and my own goal. So I should go and have a try. At first I really thought it would be just a try. But after all those research, all those essay writing time, I became more and more clear about what I want. Brown has become my dream school. Although I know my chance is low, I do not want to mess up any part of my application.

Still I made some huge mistakes. I didn't do well in prelim. I didn't do well in interview. And at this time I am already not able to comfort myself by saying "it is okay the worst is to go to NUS." I want to go to Brown. I know there are lots of people, many of whom are better than me, out there who think the same. Everyone wants go to a great university.

The more I try, the more hopeful I become, and the more I fear failures.

Now I even wonder whether NUS would be my safety option. After all, I did not really prepare well for A levels. There is a chance I may lose on both sides. What is happening? My plan used to be just write something for the application and then concentrate on A levels. But I went astray, completely. Am I just being silly? Am I just someone who doesn't even know where she stands? Is it just a dream that I may go to Brown someday?

I know that if I could not get this chance, I would never go to Brown again. After all I cannot choose Brown for my graduate program. I try to convince myself that not every wish would come true. Things don't happen just because you wish them to happen. But still I hope I can get into Brown. Maybe I am too hopeful? I don't know.

The interview is not good enough.And my A level is...at stake. I know clearly now what I need to do. I need to put Brown aside and concentrate on my exam. I have messed up the last stage of my application process, and there is just nothing more I can do. I know I love Brown, but why not spend my time doing something more useful, instead of thinking about this again and again?

I feel so much better now that I have written my feelings out. Still, I could not believe that I forgot to mention Blogging today. What was I thinking?

Just carry on. Be hopeful, but be ready for the worst results.

Brown Interview 有感

只能说，杯具啊。
我们约在某家咖啡厅。对方91年毕业的，大概40多岁吧。
问题大致如下：
1. Why do you come to Singapore?
2. What’s your intended major and why?
3. Why do you choose Brown?
4. What do you do outside school?
5. What is your extra-curricular activity in school?
6. What student organizations do you want to join in Brown?
然后就让我问他问题。我问了下比较standard的，比如why did you choose Brown and how has Brown changed you? 最后十分冷场啊，我就硬着头皮又多问了些问题，什么how is Brown’s graduate program?和Are there many strange people in Brown? 结尾的时候还问他 Life in US must be more exciting than life in Singapore right?
我觉得我最大的败笔就是准备不充分，回答不focus。像很多问题比如说major啦都是可以事先想一想的。可是我就直接去了！！我应该阐述自己来新加坡的心理变化，以及为什么因此想学psychology。最后发现自己好像只谈了来新加坡后问题多么严重啊之类的，感觉大部分都是negative的东西。哭！！！
当我说喜欢Brown的individuality时，我想说自己不喜欢太多social life，但是我觉得我表达有问题，我自己说出来的时候，怎么听怎么感觉像在说我比较antisocial不喜欢和人交流。而且我是最后才意识到的。
剩下的问题回答得都特别superficial，基本没details。人家问你喜欢什么，我就说唱歌看电影啊。然后，冷场。我竟然没有说我喜欢blogging。唱歌看电影，这是什么爱好啊？！
而且我还不够interactive。他说话的时候我一句话都没差，就直愣愣的听他说，然后在他说完的时候笑一下，感觉特别不认真。
我们提到了UCB，然后他说和brown 很相似，我就说“真的吗？我觉得除了brown是unique之外，别的学校都差不多”。回想起来，好像在拍马屁啊。
我去之前在街头捐了个款，人家给我衣服领子上贴了张像商标的sticker，我竟然忘了取下来。结果我整个interview里带着那张醒目的商标，一直到回家才发现。
反正小问题层出不穷，就不罗嗦了。准备要interview的孩子们加油啊。MS我的Brown梦里我又远了一步。

What do they want? Truth? Unrest? Riots?

I guess it upsets The Economist journalists when "public support for the armed forces, which was badly damaged in 1989, appears to have rebounded." They must not want this to happen, because in their opinion, why should there still be people supporting the armed force who were responsible for the 1989 Tiananmen Square Incident? They want the Communist Party to be overthrown. They want a "democratic China", because they've been under democracy all along so they think we need it too. They wonder how we survive under this "totalitarian" government. Could they be any stupider?


I'm enraged when they describe the deadly earthquake in Sichuan Province as "a gift to party propagandist". What a pity it is that they have never experienced this earthquake. If they did, they might learn the meaning of "shutting up".


What is it that they're not pleased with? The growth of China? The unity of Chinese people? They always wish some riots could happen, so that their theory would be proven true. They use "truth" as a pretence of their true intention. What the hell is "truth"? Who on earth has the right to decide everybody must want the truth? Seriously, can they promise that they have never lied in their entire lives? I guess they prefer a huge circulation of magazines to the stability of Chinese society. I can't believe some people would be silly enough to believe what they say. They are only foreigners who are only interested in profits and their so-called "advanced ideas". Should we blindly criticize the government for some stupid " we want truth" sentiments stirred up by idiots?


I was raised in China. My parents got jobs and I was able to go to school. We are not rich. I learnt history in China so I knew the Communists rescued China from the hands of the evil Westerners. I would support the Communist Party instead of trusting some westerners only for that. I don't really require truth for this Tiananmen Square Incidents. Why "the truth"? because all those famous people who are dead have said that truth is the most important thing in the world? There's nothing such as right or wrong. At least I believe so. I can proudly tell others that I'm a Chinese, and simply for this I would trust the government's ability to make a wise decision. Maybe the truth will be revealed, only not now. Maybe it never will be. I think when the westerners are criticizing our government, they never really think of the consequences. What if there'll be any riots? Any increase in the number of anti-government idiots? What if the order of the society is threatened? Maybe they just want these to happen. They use "moral pressure" to achieve their evil objectivs, so that they'll have more to write, more circulation of the paper and more money to earn. I guess there are just few decent people in the world.

Gladiator--This is Russell Crowe

I knew Russell Crowe first from " A Beautiful Mind". I watched it three times to fully appreciate how fatally attractive he is. I know he is handsome at first sight, although it did take me a long time before I accepted that "Jennifer Connelly is a beauty."


Then I watched " Cinderella Man". Russell does not simply act. He is virtually talking with his eyes. There's something characteristic about the way he speaks, although I don't think I can really describe it. His pronuciation sounds casual, but always brings the character out of him. When I watch him in a movie, I never feel it's Russell Crowe playing. I'd say "this character is so like Russell Crowe". He owns every character he plays. They are different, yet similar in some fundemental ways.


He starred in "Proof of Life" with Meg Ryan. I love the movie, especially the last scene, when he told Meg softly," You've got a plane to catch". His eyes was enough to reveal his inner and restrained passion for Meg, not to mention how uniquely his voice emphasized the emotion. But in real life they didn't get together. Although Meg Ryan abandoned her family for Russell, things didn't really work out.


The Gladiator got him his Oscar Best Actor Award. Maximus, once a general in Rome and appointed by Caesar Marcus Aurelius as his successor, was persecuted by Caesar Commodus Aurelius--son of Marcus Aurelius, his wife and son burned and nailed. Later he became a slave and then a gladiator, who made his way to Colosseum and killed the new emperor there.


An epic of a hero, a real commander, whose charisma, even after having become a slave, never faded. It was an impressive scene when he commanded the other gladiators and defeated the people in gold armours ( I didn't really get what they were). He acted as if he was back on battleground again. It made no difference whether he was a slave or a general, as he always was a hero. Strength and honor were what he represented. Wisdom, justice, fortitude, temperance, he owned them all. It was never easy to be a hero, however. A hero's life was full of blood and struggle, when all Maximus ever wanted was just family and love.

In the end, when he finally closed his eyes, he returned to his beloved family, in the afterlife.


The supporting characters are also great. On that night when Maximus attempted to escape, Proximo, who hated Caesar Marcus Aurelius for keeping him away from the Colosseum, decided to sacrifice himself to help Maximus. He had always thought himself as shadow and dust. But the determination he had shown proved himself a hero,too. All other gladiators fought hard against the army which was coming for Maximus. Cicero, the faithful follower, and Maximus's army, were all so loyal to Maximus that they could overthrow their new commmander at any time just at Maximus's order. What are these people then? Heroes, with strengh and honor! They proved to the audience that Rome was, afterall, not a empire of mobs (although it did strike me when all the audience cheered as people were being killed. They saw killing as a form of entertainment.) They were the very reason why Rome grew so strong (I hope i've made less historical errors than grammatical errors)


I don't love him less because he got fat. I love him because he is Russell Crowe.

与高考同学书

其实人生有好多条路的，所以绝对不能被高考这个小东西困死。其实你现在情绪不好，过段时间也会自然明白的。只是我想告诉你，你不是一个人走的。我们都支持你。很多干成大事情的人都没有上过大学，因为大学会把人的思维捆住的。大部分人大学毕业之后就坐办公室而已，不能成为自己的老板。学校教你固定的思维，但却不能教你怎么在社会上成功。我相信，找到自己想做的并且擅长的东西是最重要的，这样你才能全心全力的投入，你才能做好，你才能看得见成绩，自信心才会提高。但是一定不好找。可能你不能像别人那样得过且过的生活，你要付出更多的努力。但是你任何时候的努力都是有用的。如果说高考砸了努力也就没用了，那么你目光就短浅了，你只看到了当学生的这不到20年，而看不到你还有可能的未来的40年，60年。
所以只要你有梦想，你还愿意努力，你永远都不失败。
但并不是说你不想努力就是错的。如果你追求安逸的生活，有份工作有个家庭就好，那也没什么。每个人的追求不同。有的时候平静才是最理想的生活。但是一切一切的基础，都是你现在要接受现实，接受失误。有些人考不好试，这没什么，天生我才必有用。要相信并发觉自己的长处。关键是，如果我们都不觉得自己有用，我们的生命就不再有价值了。生命这东西，你珍惜它它的价值才会节节攀升。
所以你要相信你来这个世界是来发挥一定作用的，只不过你现在还不清楚是什么作用。那就找啊。寻找的过程中，失败两次算什么。很多人一生都在失败，但仍然在不懈努力。这就是生命的价值。如果我们的价值是用高考来衡量的，那么不是太可悲了。
把目光拉远。从咸阳这个小地方往外看，看一下中国，还有很多人是农民没上过学呢，他们也致富了。中国的普通大学有多少啊，总共的学生有多少啊，难道说每个都没前途？再把目光拉远，看非洲，有多少孩子还饱受饥饿呢。他们和我们一样都是人类，为什么他们活不到十几岁就患病死掉了？看越南，很多女生从小就去卖淫接客了，很多年轻女孩为了生活把自己卖到新加坡当老男人的妻子了。她们多么不幸啊。我也觉得她们的决定是错误的。你比她们幸运多少，因为你还是有文化的，你还是可以追梦的。
我想说的是，错误是会犯一大堆的，人生不是止步的。有希望能努力才活得有意义。与其为高考而哭，不如想想你这一生到底想干什么。其实人生是很短的，你不知道明天你会遇见那些事，失去那些人。所以你才更要珍惜今天，从此刻开始努力。我们都成人了，我们该计划自己的人生了。高考是教育部规定的，却不是人生的卡口。生命的伟大在于，我们可以不顾一切的追求，尽管结果不一定和我们预期的一样。
总而言之，用高考来衡量一个人有用没用，是对生命的侮辱。我们应该很努力很努力的去追求，但是不该看重结果，因为看重结果时在贬低生命的价值。每个人有自己的人生观。但依我所见，只有重视过程的人生才会充满满足感，而不是挫败感。与其活得失败，不如重新定义自己。

我心目中的贾梅贾里

心血来潮的在百度上搜那部女生贾梅的电视剧，结果发现《男生贾里新传》拍出来了，查老师竟然是阮经天演的，介绍上说这部戏是他的09青春偶像剧。无语。


我对偶像剧演员是没什么意见的。我只是觉得他和我心目中的查老师相差甚远。回头想想也是。在那些只有图书没有青春偶像剧的日子里，每个人心中都有他们自己的贾梅贾里。我对这套人物的认识，在我四，五年级刚迷恋上这套书时就定型了。


我心目中的贾里，是个头一米六，带着一副眼镜的机灵小男孩。头发要乱乱的，思维很快。他不是绝对的绅士。他也给洪裳起外号，但最终还是表现得像个男人。也捉弄自己的妹妹，但在他受欺负是一定会保护她。言语中对林晓梅表示不屑，但和美女说话还是挺恭敬的。他对喜欢自己的王小明是友好但又有些无奈的。他研究太阳黑子并且始终认为自己是个除了陈应达之外的天才。整天和鲁智胜混在一起，俩人互相调侃。


我心目中的贾梅，是个可爱善良的小女孩。她的家庭温馨，身上穿着带熊宝宝的裙子，整天在校园里和林晓梅走在一起。她是英语课代表。胡彩蝶很喜欢她整天缠着和她在一起。她觉得自己的哥哥有些自大但还是在必要的时候维护她。她穿着朴素的白裙子去选礼仪女生结果赢了林晓梅。她表演的时候衣服扣子掉了鞋跟也掉了但还是被选进电影里了。她对林第一这个干净的手指修长的男生有好感，可惜这个男生挺自卑，最后就这么转学消失了，我期待的朦胧的感情戛然而止。


其实之后有在《调皮的日子》看到林第一，就是除了看电视是第一其他的都是倒数一的林第一。这里的他似乎比较快乐，没那么多学习带来的自卑感。林第一是我在整套书里除了贾里以外最喜欢的男性角色了。


我心目中的林晓梅，是仗义而维护朋友的。她有时有些大小姐脾气，但她挺善良的，她愿意帮助斑马这种人，也愿意为了王小明跑前跑后。


我心目中的鲁智胜，是一个看着笨笨的但实际也很机灵的小胖子，他抽过烟，被贾里整了以后就戒了。喜欢林晓梅，并且整天傻乎乎的出现在她面前。他春游的时候老鲁对他说，儿子，给你200块钱，到那里吃不习惯就下馆子！


我心目中的陈应达，是个个头小小的，脑袋大大的，瘦弱的整天背着牛皮公文包的男生。一天到晚都在研究学习。他在“孔乙己事件“把去帮他的贾里完全的抛弃了，这点我很气愤。但是在他和鲁智胜一起努力帮助生病的庄静后，我又对他改观了。


我心目中的庄静，是个“如天鹅般娴静的女孩“。考试总和陈应达不相上下。贾里貌似喜欢她。不过这种女生应该没有人不喜欢吧，连林晓梅这种骄傲的人都认可她。印象最深的是她的那句“坚持公平“。


我心目中的张飞飞，是完全的大姐大类型，穿着入时，是“中国千里马文学社“的社长（此社总共有三个人，一个社长两个副社长），写作文爱说“飞飞认为“。她虚荣心强，小姐脾气大。总希望自己是最耀眼的，但她并不坏。


我心目中的张潇洒，是个完全的帅哥，虽然有些小白脸。经常是故事里中出丑搞笑的那一个。


还有很多人物。刘格诗，有点小结巴，但很真诚很热心。肖茹，特立独行的美女。肖林，回答篮球的学生会主席，貌似对林晓梅有意思。王小明，家庭状况复杂，喜欢贾里，每天对他笑三笑。胡彩蝶，和大才子“陈应达“是幼儿园同学，并且声称和他订了娃娃亲。查老师，才华横溢行人物，学识渊博。长的文质彬彬，绝对不是“ 阮经天“那张偶像剧脸，很了解学生。。。


从小学到初中，我把一套5本书不知道啃了多少遍。每个人物都是鲜活的，每个人物都在我这十几年的学子生涯处出现过，书里的人物经典到可以用来分类。


仅以此纪念我的贾梅贾里情结。