1st of all, I'm again depressed.
I now know that I'm only getting 12 hrs for two years serving in library. It sounds trivial,really. But it matters to me. I joined library last year because I heard that I can get 20 cip hrs per year. At the end of last year I was told it was 12 hrs per year. And now, omg, 12 hrs for two years. What can I say? I made this unwise choice myself, so I would have to abide all the consequences. I have to.
Again I'm creating a problem for myself. That's the situation and I can't change it. So really, why worry?
The 2nd thing that makes me frustrated is the comparison which I can't help making of me with others. I'm so weak. I'm nothing here. This really is not the place I'm meant to be. God loves jokes. Every body, except me, is a leader. Leadership, without which my US dream will forever remain a dream.
My CCAs do not need me. I know I can never go around and ask ppl to join my CCA. Or, at present, I can't. I have no confidence, nor support.
But indeed I'm lucky to have a friend who is willing to start an SL project with me, even though I'm not sure of doing it or not. Let me check things out over this weekend and make up my mind. I can't just hang around like this. I must do something.
3 Feb 2009
A depressing day
My ear hurts! My ear hurts!
After one whole year since I got my ear pierced, I finally tasted my own bitter fruit. My ears have not recovered yet, and god knows whether the possibility of me having healthy ears still exists. I wonder. Okay, cheer up cheer up. I must believe in myself.
Another day of depression. I got back my physics consolidation test papers. It was a disaster, in every aspect. The super low mark, the most blank paper, the little thinking I have done, and the non-existent effort I was supposed to have put in.
This reminds me of a poem I saw in the Boarding School washroom(strange, isn't it). Worry never solves a problem, it may even become a problem. So why worry?
Why worry? I ask myself. I'm still concerned about Mr. Tan's reaction, to a large extent, even after the more disastrous mark I got for J1 Block Test. I guess I'm just someone who tries, albeit often in vain, to give every one the best possible impression. I am just like this. I want to get every one to like me, which, in any case, is not possible for someone like me. I 'm not hardworking, not clever, not as kind-hearted as a girl should be. I like to shout. I'm vulgar. And then? I could make a long list of all my weaknesses. Still, my parents are always there to love me and support me.
I don't know why I'm so easily agitated and pressurized. Any little thing could bring me depress. I want my life to be smooth with no trouble, which, I guess, is never possible.
And, sadly, I've lost my point again.
H3 math is driving me bad. The lectures are difficult enough to confuse me and deprive me of my confidence to look at any of the tutorial questions. I keep having this feeling that I may not do well in my H3 exams, which is the most undesirable situation now. And I still have my SL project to concern about. Should I do one just for the sake of a slightly better profolio? Or should I just concentrate on my study? I know if I kill this idea, I should probably say goodbye to my US dream now. But even if I try, wouldn't I be more disappointed if I fail? Why no confidence?
Shit. So much for today. I still have to catch up with my tutorial.
After one whole year since I got my ear pierced, I finally tasted my own bitter fruit. My ears have not recovered yet, and god knows whether the possibility of me having healthy ears still exists. I wonder. Okay, cheer up cheer up. I must believe in myself.
Another day of depression. I got back my physics consolidation test papers. It was a disaster, in every aspect. The super low mark, the most blank paper, the little thinking I have done, and the non-existent effort I was supposed to have put in.
This reminds me of a poem I saw in the Boarding School washroom(strange, isn't it). Worry never solves a problem, it may even become a problem. So why worry?
Why worry? I ask myself. I'm still concerned about Mr. Tan's reaction, to a large extent, even after the more disastrous mark I got for J1 Block Test. I guess I'm just someone who tries, albeit often in vain, to give every one the best possible impression. I am just like this. I want to get every one to like me, which, in any case, is not possible for someone like me. I 'm not hardworking, not clever, not as kind-hearted as a girl should be. I like to shout. I'm vulgar. And then? I could make a long list of all my weaknesses. Still, my parents are always there to love me and support me.
I don't know why I'm so easily agitated and pressurized. Any little thing could bring me depress. I want my life to be smooth with no trouble, which, I guess, is never possible.
And, sadly, I've lost my point again.
H3 math is driving me bad. The lectures are difficult enough to confuse me and deprive me of my confidence to look at any of the tutorial questions. I keep having this feeling that I may not do well in my H3 exams, which is the most undesirable situation now. And I still have my SL project to concern about. Should I do one just for the sake of a slightly better profolio? Or should I just concentrate on my study? I know if I kill this idea, I should probably say goodbye to my US dream now. But even if I try, wouldn't I be more disappointed if I fail? Why no confidence?
Shit. So much for today. I still have to catch up with my tutorial.
2 Feb 2009
1st post in 2009
It's been a long time...since my last post. Really a long time. I've been lazy for some time. Just last week I though about closing this blog forever. But then when I looked at all those posts that I had written, I told myself to get up from laziness. Well, for the sake of my GP, I better starting writing something, though usually with grammatical mistakes, in English.
I could never write anything in English in XiaoNei. It's just that there are so many English pros of my ages moving around there, and even those people seldom use English. Thus my pride forbids me to write anything English there again.
There has not really been a significant change in my life up till now. School reopened, and I started repeating my tragedy all over again. School, hostel, hostel, school. Everyday I have work to complete. No normal TV programs. No Thunder. No relatives. Palpitations and immense anxiety are engulfing me. It feels like my heart is whacked suddenly. Maybe it is to do with my pressure, or my lack of confidence, or my sense of insecurity. I don't know why. Singapore is really driving me mad.
Last year I had a crush on somebody and now the feelings are almost drained. I even gave up my friendship with Zhao. I must admit my most irrational period comes when I talk to Zhao. He sucks yet I didn't want to stop the conversation. Now I'm glad I realized how strange he seems to me. Well I really can't figure out where this emotion thing is going. Headache.
I could never write anything in English in XiaoNei. It's just that there are so many English pros of my ages moving around there, and even those people seldom use English. Thus my pride forbids me to write anything English there again.
There has not really been a significant change in my life up till now. School reopened, and I started repeating my tragedy all over again. School, hostel, hostel, school. Everyday I have work to complete. No normal TV programs. No Thunder. No relatives. Palpitations and immense anxiety are engulfing me. It feels like my heart is whacked suddenly. Maybe it is to do with my pressure, or my lack of confidence, or my sense of insecurity. I don't know why. Singapore is really driving me mad.
Last year I had a crush on somebody and now the feelings are almost drained. I even gave up my friendship with Zhao. I must admit my most irrational period comes when I talk to Zhao. He sucks yet I didn't want to stop the conversation. Now I'm glad I realized how strange he seems to me. Well I really can't figure out where this emotion thing is going. Headache.
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