The end

想想明天就要回国了。今天去office check out的时候，人家告诉我我的卡要被deactivate了，我还小愣了一下。回想起来，我在这个鬼地方住了四年，刷卡刷了四年。可是明天早上我再出了那个门，就再也刷不进来了。

倒不是伤感。这里的伙食啊，真是伤感不起来。可是四年就这么完了，还是有点回不过神来。考试的时候觉得时间过的怎么这么慢啊，现在觉得其实是太快了一点。（不知道是不是我没有认真复习的缘故。。。）

第一年我一直在哭啊喊啊，第二年倒是最不错的一年，第三年第四年我的生活就真的很单调了。新民里我最emo，以前我也接受这个评价，现在却很困惑。越长大，越发现自己不懂自己。

我一直很想成为冰莹那样的女生，不需要用特别过人的分数或者特别美丽的外表来吸引别人（也是因为我真的没有）。最后我却觉得自己很滑稽。不知道为什么，也许是自卑心理在作祟？总觉得自己很奇怪，尤其是上了JC。这也许是为什么我喜欢和新民人hang out吧，和他们在一起我经常会忘了我想成为的那种身份。四年之后我总算发现我永远不可能成为她。

有的时候，一个人走路，我总是想，我能不能越走越小，最后化为乌有？我嘻嘻哈哈打打闹闹，有时声音大吼一吼。我快19岁的人了，被别人认成是考O level的，那人还惊奇的看着我说你这么小就考O level啊。别人说我穿衣服不成熟说话不成熟长相更是幼稚至极。这也许是为什么我时不时就提醒别人其实我思想真的很成熟。我觉得我比LX成熟因为我觉得他的思路很幼稚，我还很不能理解这些朋友这么熟了怎么就没发现我的内涵呢？最后我想成熟是个什么东西，凭什么我要变成熟，为什么成熟不能变成我。

当然这只是赌气话。内心里我还是想变成熟，变成冰莹那种说几句话就能让人倾倒的人。

今天拉LX来帮我提东西。其实整个过程中我觉得以前的我肯定能找到N个发火摔东西的理由，但我竟然都忍住了。我还是长大了点，尽管还不算成熟。我一直在疑惑，同样一件事为什么我可以这么想别人可以那么想。唉，如果我真的学了psychology，是不是就可以弄懂这些问题？

我本来想把日志发在校内，最后还是觉得奇怪。每次在校内写英文，就怕被人鄙视。每次更新状态和日志，就发现我其实特别把自己的私生活告诉别人，让别人知道，让别人评价，成为别人生活中的一部分，以此来满足自己的不知道是怎样的心态。这个想法让我感到害怕，因为他让我感觉自己像个做戏的，但我又有冲动让别人了解我。纠结啊纠结。这到底是什么在作祟？

其实我很desperate。YY同学说我是因为我没有安全感。这又是为什么呢？为什么别人有我没有呢？到底是我成长中的哪个方面使我成为了今天的我，而不是另一个冰莹？不要告诉我有特色才是美的废话。我就是自卑，我就是羡慕别人。为什么我是这样的呢？看了我的这么多问号，我发现我很有学PSYCHOLOGY的潜质。

可是我又胆小。这一点也和冰莹相反。我见到陌生人只能互相问好，然后就是沉默，可怕的沉默。要我去向谁表个白不如罚我跑2400。可是就是这样的我，J1那年还是在网上和ZRY同学表白了，并且在考BT 1 的时候不怕死的聊QQ聊到半夜。最后还惨遭拒绝。这是不是说，往往看上去最不可能的人会做最出乎意料的事情？这难道真的是因为我很喜欢他？可不可能只是我潜意识里想表白一次，于是就这么做了？但理智难道也就真的一点不剩了？把复习都抛在脑后了？

我发现我在很无聊的解释自己都搞不懂的问题。

那我以后会不会结婚？是不是每个人都会碰到一个对的人？我也不知道。如果有人喜欢我，那他为什么喜欢我呢？真的会把我这一身的缺点当宝看？Again，人与人的思想，怎么就这么这么这么的不一样呢？（我一定要学psychology）

我真的不知道这篇文章怎么写到这儿来了。我本来是想发发牢骚，感慨一下让我心绪不宁的A Level，以及我的US uni applications的。

最近每天check n 次email。一直等Brown的邮件，我自己想象过无数次如果被reject怎么办。在我的脑海里其实被reject是极为意料之中的，所以我猜我会很calm地接受结果。可是想象就是想象，要是真的杯具了，我会怎么办呢？

前几天被A Level打击。好不容易缓过神来了，又被LX的同学那句"你报的学校全是dream schools"所打击。其实我有想到过全聚德的，理智虽然告诉我可能性不低，但是这个信息一直被我的身体里的一些东西压着抬不起头来。但是真的有人说出来是，好似我的理智被奋力一推，直冲主导地位，让我本来不平静的心灵。。。更加不平静。明年要租房子，要找工作，要这个要那个，真的好麻烦。我最怕麻烦，麻烦喜欢我。

最后我还是想，坚持我一贯的作风，问一声，到底我来这个世界干什么来了？

Everything is over

I need a new start. I need a new life.

Everything I am doing is confusing me. What am I writing this for? What am I communicating with others for? What am I studying for?

Suddenly my whole life becomes a joke. It is now 2 am in the morning and I don't know where my future lies. I want to give up but I can't, because I have to be responsible as a daughter and as a friend. But who the hell created all the responsibilities? I'm a girl, a student, a friend and a daughter and so what? I have too many questions here but all I can do is follow whatever rules written by others, when I don't even care about them. And now 18 years after I was born, I still don't have a direction. I don't have a goal. My life is boring but everybody tells me that yes that's what you have to go through because this is life. It's about roles and responsibilities. Winners are those who can survive after fulfilling all their duties. So, I am a loser. I have no inter-personal skills. I have no sophisticated brain. I'm not considerate enough.

What if I say I don't want to follow orders? I don't care about all those rules. My life is mine and I can finish it whenever I want. I want to at least set up a goal for myself, a goal that I would really want to work towards, a goal that is not "created by this society and accepted by me". Why do I feel that everything is just so not real? I can give myself up anytime but I still have love from my friends and my family and so I have to carry on.

What is really the meaning of my life? Seriously, please tell me before I lose my clear mind tomorrow, before I go and join others in meaningless activities. My life is never really in my hand. It lies in the opinion of this society.

I don't even want a tomorrow.

沉痛

好像一切都不太对劲儿。
好像从来没有这么考过试。
这是最重要的一次不是吗？
还是被我答得七零八落。

我想不管现在多么茫然，
浪费了多少生命，
都还是要坚持下去。
过了这一段时间，
会找到自己的。

如果真的需要这些代价的话，
那么我只能付出。

I really need to type something tonight

I didn't review anything today. I went for a Brown Interview this morning, and my performance was...quite disappointing. I forgot to mention lots of important things (How could I even forget? Faint!)

However, I do like the interview. It was more a conversation than a interview. My interviewer is nice and it was pleasant talking to him. But the problem is, the more I learn about Brown, the more I love it, and the more I want to get admitted.

This is so not what I have planned. My original proposal was to just apply some schools and try my luck. The worst result would be to go to NUS. But now, nothing is going according to the plan. I have fallen in love with Brown. Everything about Brown seems perfect to me (quite expected), but I, on the other hand, is extremely ordinary compared to the large pool of excellent students applying Brown.

I could still remember the days when I rushed to complete my essays. I have written over 10 drafts for 2 essays. I asked the help of my friends, my juniors and my teachers. Although no teacher would vet it for me in the end, I still loved those two essays. But me loving it is clearly not enough. Brown must love it, too.

I enjoyed the process, actually. I enjoyed hanging around in College Confidential and CUUS, going over those old threads,admiring all those Niu people who received their dream offers,but also learned from those people who carried on despite of some disappointing rejects.

I learned about US universities, and was fascinated by the curriculum and philosophy of Liberal Arts Educations. I learned about Brown's open curriculum, its lack of frat life, its focus on passion and interest in learning. Then I suddenly realized Brown is just the ideal university I have always been wanting to go to. I became excited, and at the same time, worried. She only admitted a small percent of the large applicants pool, and the chance of me being one of those admitted is low. Truly, I have no fantastic GPA, no fantastic SAT scores, no good leadership experience. But I keep telling myself I have passion and my own goal. So I should go and have a try. At first I really thought it would be just a try. But after all those research, all those essay writing time, I became more and more clear about what I want. Brown has become my dream school. Although I know my chance is low, I do not want to mess up any part of my application.

Still I made some huge mistakes. I didn't do well in prelim. I didn't do well in interview. And at this time I am already not able to comfort myself by saying "it is okay the worst is to go to NUS." I want to go to Brown. I know there are lots of people, many of whom are better than me, out there who think the same. Everyone wants go to a great university.

The more I try, the more hopeful I become, and the more I fear failures.

Now I even wonder whether NUS would be my safety option. After all, I did not really prepare well for A levels. There is a chance I may lose on both sides. What is happening? My plan used to be just write something for the application and then concentrate on A levels. But I went astray, completely. Am I just being silly? Am I just someone who doesn't even know where she stands? Is it just a dream that I may go to Brown someday?

I know that if I could not get this chance, I would never go to Brown again. After all I cannot choose Brown for my graduate program. I try to convince myself that not every wish would come true. Things don't happen just because you wish them to happen. But still I hope I can get into Brown. Maybe I am too hopeful? I don't know.

The interview is not good enough.And my A level is...at stake. I know clearly now what I need to do. I need to put Brown aside and concentrate on my exam. I have messed up the last stage of my application process, and there is just nothing more I can do. I know I love Brown, but why not spend my time doing something more useful, instead of thinking about this again and again?

I feel so much better now that I have written my feelings out. Still, I could not believe that I forgot to mention Blogging today. What was I thinking?

Just carry on. Be hopeful, but be ready for the worst results.

Brown Interview 有感

只能说，杯具啊。
我们约在某家咖啡厅。对方91年毕业的，大概40多岁吧。
问题大致如下：
1. Why do you come to Singapore?
2. What’s your intended major and why?
3. Why do you choose Brown?
4. What do you do outside school?
5. What is your extra-curricular activity in school?
6. What student organizations do you want to join in Brown?
然后就让我问他问题。我问了下比较standard的，比如why did you choose Brown and how has Brown changed you? 最后十分冷场啊，我就硬着头皮又多问了些问题，什么how is Brown’s graduate program?和Are there many strange people in Brown? 结尾的时候还问他 Life in US must be more exciting than life in Singapore right?
我觉得我最大的败笔就是准备不充分，回答不focus。像很多问题比如说major啦都是可以事先想一想的。可是我就直接去了！！我应该阐述自己来新加坡的心理变化，以及为什么因此想学psychology。最后发现自己好像只谈了来新加坡后问题多么严重啊之类的，感觉大部分都是negative的东西。哭！！！
当我说喜欢Brown的individuality时，我想说自己不喜欢太多social life，但是我觉得我表达有问题，我自己说出来的时候，怎么听怎么感觉像在说我比较antisocial不喜欢和人交流。而且我是最后才意识到的。
剩下的问题回答得都特别superficial，基本没details。人家问你喜欢什么，我就说唱歌看电影啊。然后，冷场。我竟然没有说我喜欢blogging。唱歌看电影，这是什么爱好啊？！
而且我还不够interactive。他说话的时候我一句话都没差，就直愣愣的听他说，然后在他说完的时候笑一下，感觉特别不认真。
我们提到了UCB，然后他说和brown 很相似，我就说“真的吗？我觉得除了brown是unique之外，别的学校都差不多”。回想起来，好像在拍马屁啊。
我去之前在街头捐了个款，人家给我衣服领子上贴了张像商标的sticker，我竟然忘了取下来。结果我整个interview里带着那张醒目的商标，一直到回家才发现。
反正小问题层出不穷，就不罗嗦了。准备要interview的孩子们加油啊。MS我的Brown梦里我又远了一步。

What do they want? Truth? Unrest? Riots?

I guess it upsets The Economist journalists when "public support for the armed forces, which was badly damaged in 1989, appears to have rebounded." They must not want this to happen, because in their opinion, why should there still be people supporting the armed force who were responsible for the 1989 Tiananmen Square Incident? They want the Communist Party to be overthrown. They want a "democratic China", because they've been under democracy all along so they think we need it too. They wonder how we survive under this "totalitarian" government. Could they be any stupider?


I'm enraged when they describe the deadly earthquake in Sichuan Province as "a gift to party propagandist". What a pity it is that they have never experienced this earthquake. If they did, they might learn the meaning of "shutting up".


What is it that they're not pleased with? The growth of China? The unity of Chinese people? They always wish some riots could happen, so that their theory would be proven true. They use "truth" as a pretence of their true intention. What the hell is "truth"? Who on earth has the right to decide everybody must want the truth? Seriously, can they promise that they have never lied in their entire lives? I guess they prefer a huge circulation of magazines to the stability of Chinese society. I can't believe some people would be silly enough to believe what they say. They are only foreigners who are only interested in profits and their so-called "advanced ideas". Should we blindly criticize the government for some stupid " we want truth" sentiments stirred up by idiots?


I was raised in China. My parents got jobs and I was able to go to school. We are not rich. I learnt history in China so I knew the Communists rescued China from the hands of the evil Westerners. I would support the Communist Party instead of trusting some westerners only for that. I don't really require truth for this Tiananmen Square Incidents. Why "the truth"? because all those famous people who are dead have said that truth is the most important thing in the world? There's nothing such as right or wrong. At least I believe so. I can proudly tell others that I'm a Chinese, and simply for this I would trust the government's ability to make a wise decision. Maybe the truth will be revealed, only not now. Maybe it never will be. I think when the westerners are criticizing our government, they never really think of the consequences. What if there'll be any riots? Any increase in the number of anti-government idiots? What if the order of the society is threatened? Maybe they just want these to happen. They use "moral pressure" to achieve their evil objectivs, so that they'll have more to write, more circulation of the paper and more money to earn. I guess there are just few decent people in the world.

Gladiator--This is Russell Crowe

I knew Russell Crowe first from " A Beautiful Mind". I watched it three times to fully appreciate how fatally attractive he is. I know he is handsome at first sight, although it did take me a long time before I accepted that "Jennifer Connelly is a beauty."


Then I watched " Cinderella Man". Russell does not simply act. He is virtually talking with his eyes. There's something characteristic about the way he speaks, although I don't think I can really describe it. His pronuciation sounds casual, but always brings the character out of him. When I watch him in a movie, I never feel it's Russell Crowe playing. I'd say "this character is so like Russell Crowe". He owns every character he plays. They are different, yet similar in some fundemental ways.


He starred in "Proof of Life" with Meg Ryan. I love the movie, especially the last scene, when he told Meg softly," You've got a plane to catch". His eyes was enough to reveal his inner and restrained passion for Meg, not to mention how uniquely his voice emphasized the emotion. But in real life they didn't get together. Although Meg Ryan abandoned her family for Russell, things didn't really work out.


The Gladiator got him his Oscar Best Actor Award. Maximus, once a general in Rome and appointed by Caesar Marcus Aurelius as his successor, was persecuted by Caesar Commodus Aurelius--son of Marcus Aurelius, his wife and son burned and nailed. Later he became a slave and then a gladiator, who made his way to Colosseum and killed the new emperor there.


An epic of a hero, a real commander, whose charisma, even after having become a slave, never faded. It was an impressive scene when he commanded the other gladiators and defeated the people in gold armours ( I didn't really get what they were). He acted as if he was back on battleground again. It made no difference whether he was a slave or a general, as he always was a hero. Strength and honor were what he represented. Wisdom, justice, fortitude, temperance, he owned them all. It was never easy to be a hero, however. A hero's life was full of blood and struggle, when all Maximus ever wanted was just family and love.

In the end, when he finally closed his eyes, he returned to his beloved family, in the afterlife.


The supporting characters are also great. On that night when Maximus attempted to escape, Proximo, who hated Caesar Marcus Aurelius for keeping him away from the Colosseum, decided to sacrifice himself to help Maximus. He had always thought himself as shadow and dust. But the determination he had shown proved himself a hero,too. All other gladiators fought hard against the army which was coming for Maximus. Cicero, the faithful follower, and Maximus's army, were all so loyal to Maximus that they could overthrow their new commmander at any time just at Maximus's order. What are these people then? Heroes, with strengh and honor! They proved to the audience that Rome was, afterall, not a empire of mobs (although it did strike me when all the audience cheered as people were being killed. They saw killing as a form of entertainment.) They were the very reason why Rome grew so strong (I hope i've made less historical errors than grammatical errors)


I don't love him less because he got fat. I love him because he is Russell Crowe.

与高考同学书

其实人生有好多条路的，所以绝对不能被高考这个小东西困死。其实你现在情绪不好，过段时间也会自然明白的。只是我想告诉你，你不是一个人走的。我们都支持你。很多干成大事情的人都没有上过大学，因为大学会把人的思维捆住的。大部分人大学毕业之后就坐办公室而已，不能成为自己的老板。学校教你固定的思维，但却不能教你怎么在社会上成功。我相信，找到自己想做的并且擅长的东西是最重要的，这样你才能全心全力的投入，你才能做好，你才能看得见成绩，自信心才会提高。但是一定不好找。可能你不能像别人那样得过且过的生活，你要付出更多的努力。但是你任何时候的努力都是有用的。如果说高考砸了努力也就没用了，那么你目光就短浅了，你只看到了当学生的这不到20年，而看不到你还有可能的未来的40年，60年。
所以只要你有梦想，你还愿意努力，你永远都不失败。
但并不是说你不想努力就是错的。如果你追求安逸的生活，有份工作有个家庭就好，那也没什么。每个人的追求不同。有的时候平静才是最理想的生活。但是一切一切的基础，都是你现在要接受现实，接受失误。有些人考不好试，这没什么，天生我才必有用。要相信并发觉自己的长处。关键是，如果我们都不觉得自己有用，我们的生命就不再有价值了。生命这东西，你珍惜它它的价值才会节节攀升。
所以你要相信你来这个世界是来发挥一定作用的，只不过你现在还不清楚是什么作用。那就找啊。寻找的过程中，失败两次算什么。很多人一生都在失败，但仍然在不懈努力。这就是生命的价值。如果我们的价值是用高考来衡量的，那么不是太可悲了。
把目光拉远。从咸阳这个小地方往外看，看一下中国，还有很多人是农民没上过学呢，他们也致富了。中国的普通大学有多少啊，总共的学生有多少啊，难道说每个都没前途？再把目光拉远，看非洲，有多少孩子还饱受饥饿呢。他们和我们一样都是人类，为什么他们活不到十几岁就患病死掉了？看越南，很多女生从小就去卖淫接客了，很多年轻女孩为了生活把自己卖到新加坡当老男人的妻子了。她们多么不幸啊。我也觉得她们的决定是错误的。你比她们幸运多少，因为你还是有文化的，你还是可以追梦的。
我想说的是，错误是会犯一大堆的，人生不是止步的。有希望能努力才活得有意义。与其为高考而哭，不如想想你这一生到底想干什么。其实人生是很短的，你不知道明天你会遇见那些事，失去那些人。所以你才更要珍惜今天，从此刻开始努力。我们都成人了，我们该计划自己的人生了。高考是教育部规定的，却不是人生的卡口。生命的伟大在于，我们可以不顾一切的追求，尽管结果不一定和我们预期的一样。
总而言之，用高考来衡量一个人有用没用，是对生命的侮辱。我们应该很努力很努力的去追求，但是不该看重结果，因为看重结果时在贬低生命的价值。每个人有自己的人生观。但依我所见，只有重视过程的人生才会充满满足感，而不是挫败感。与其活得失败，不如重新定义自己。

我心目中的贾梅贾里

心血来潮的在百度上搜那部女生贾梅的电视剧，结果发现《男生贾里新传》拍出来了，查老师竟然是阮经天演的，介绍上说这部戏是他的09青春偶像剧。无语。


我对偶像剧演员是没什么意见的。我只是觉得他和我心目中的查老师相差甚远。回头想想也是。在那些只有图书没有青春偶像剧的日子里，每个人心中都有他们自己的贾梅贾里。我对这套人物的认识，在我四，五年级刚迷恋上这套书时就定型了。


我心目中的贾里，是个头一米六，带着一副眼镜的机灵小男孩。头发要乱乱的，思维很快。他不是绝对的绅士。他也给洪裳起外号，但最终还是表现得像个男人。也捉弄自己的妹妹，但在他受欺负是一定会保护她。言语中对林晓梅表示不屑，但和美女说话还是挺恭敬的。他对喜欢自己的王小明是友好但又有些无奈的。他研究太阳黑子并且始终认为自己是个除了陈应达之外的天才。整天和鲁智胜混在一起，俩人互相调侃。


我心目中的贾梅，是个可爱善良的小女孩。她的家庭温馨，身上穿着带熊宝宝的裙子，整天在校园里和林晓梅走在一起。她是英语课代表。胡彩蝶很喜欢她整天缠着和她在一起。她觉得自己的哥哥有些自大但还是在必要的时候维护她。她穿着朴素的白裙子去选礼仪女生结果赢了林晓梅。她表演的时候衣服扣子掉了鞋跟也掉了但还是被选进电影里了。她对林第一这个干净的手指修长的男生有好感，可惜这个男生挺自卑，最后就这么转学消失了，我期待的朦胧的感情戛然而止。


其实之后有在《调皮的日子》看到林第一，就是除了看电视是第一其他的都是倒数一的林第一。这里的他似乎比较快乐，没那么多学习带来的自卑感。林第一是我在整套书里除了贾里以外最喜欢的男性角色了。


我心目中的林晓梅，是仗义而维护朋友的。她有时有些大小姐脾气，但她挺善良的，她愿意帮助斑马这种人，也愿意为了王小明跑前跑后。


我心目中的鲁智胜，是一个看着笨笨的但实际也很机灵的小胖子，他抽过烟，被贾里整了以后就戒了。喜欢林晓梅，并且整天傻乎乎的出现在她面前。他春游的时候老鲁对他说，儿子，给你200块钱，到那里吃不习惯就下馆子！


我心目中的陈应达，是个个头小小的，脑袋大大的，瘦弱的整天背着牛皮公文包的男生。一天到晚都在研究学习。他在“孔乙己事件“把去帮他的贾里完全的抛弃了，这点我很气愤。但是在他和鲁智胜一起努力帮助生病的庄静后，我又对他改观了。


我心目中的庄静，是个“如天鹅般娴静的女孩“。考试总和陈应达不相上下。贾里貌似喜欢她。不过这种女生应该没有人不喜欢吧，连林晓梅这种骄傲的人都认可她。印象最深的是她的那句“坚持公平“。


我心目中的张飞飞，是完全的大姐大类型，穿着入时，是“中国千里马文学社“的社长（此社总共有三个人，一个社长两个副社长），写作文爱说“飞飞认为“。她虚荣心强，小姐脾气大。总希望自己是最耀眼的，但她并不坏。


我心目中的张潇洒，是个完全的帅哥，虽然有些小白脸。经常是故事里中出丑搞笑的那一个。


还有很多人物。刘格诗，有点小结巴，但很真诚很热心。肖茹，特立独行的美女。肖林，回答篮球的学生会主席，貌似对林晓梅有意思。王小明，家庭状况复杂，喜欢贾里，每天对他笑三笑。胡彩蝶，和大才子“陈应达“是幼儿园同学，并且声称和他订了娃娃亲。查老师，才华横溢行人物，学识渊博。长的文质彬彬，绝对不是“ 阮经天“那张偶像剧脸，很了解学生。。。


从小学到初中，我把一套5本书不知道啃了多少遍。每个人物都是鲜活的，每个人物都在我这十几年的学子生涯处出现过，书里的人物经典到可以用来分类。


仅以此纪念我的贾梅贾里情结。

To all the people I love. To Seraph.

我不会说没你活不下去/但没你快乐会少三分之一/我经常损你但其实很喜欢你/恨不得我们24小时粘在一起/

赌气的时候我说不再理你/回家对着镜子练习不在乎你/三天后故意找个话题接近你/彼此心里都暗自欢喜 /

Chorus: 说好以后要做彼此的伴娘/还要做随时可以串门的邻居/大人说这些梦想太过幼稚/但现在我充满了为之拼搏的决心/别人因为我的缺点疏远我/你却会更加努力的帮助我/在他们面前我要高高的抬起头/在你面前我才可以肆意做自己/

没用的我总在孤独时哭泣/庆幸有个盒子里装满了你的信/依赖感太强就不是乖孩子/那说我任性吧也没关系/

笨笨的我和你在一起/总是闯祸也都没关系/因为你看得到我隐藏的光芒/在你心里我无与伦比

Chorus

其实我不会也不想预言未来/因为你让我每分每秒珍惜现在

Ewan McGregor in "Angels and Demons"

没看过这本书，所以还是相对放心的去看电影了。经验告诉我，从小说改编过来的电影百分之99会被骂。大部分书迷都要求电影完全的忠实原著。但是电影就是电影，一种不同的艺术表现手法。所以一般看过书的人再看电影就会有浪费钱的感觉。幸好我完全是冲着演员去的。


基本上那个女的就是花瓶。没什么用。没什么可以发挥的戏份，当然也看不出此人演技究竟如何。而Tom Hanks，第二次做教授，没什么新意了，当然影帝还是影帝，除了身材够呛以外，整部电影挑不出毛病啊。在图书馆里砸玻璃那场戏挺惊险的。我总是感觉他下一秒就要晕倒了，不过“主角不死定论“告诉我希望就在不远处。结果，玻璃碎了。


最让人惊艳的莫过于Ewan McGregor的the Camerlengo。我在某张海报上看到他的时候就被他的牧师服电到了。真是人长得有型穿什么帅啊。他刚一出场我又被他完美的音色给吸引了。真的是太太太好听了。想当年我刚看完红磨坊的时候，不敢相信那些歌就是他唱的。为什么除了Nick Carter外还有一个人长得如此潇洒音色如此迷人？有那么半年，我每天都会听"Come what may" 和"Your song"。他的声音已经印在我脑海里了。


跑题了。Anyway，这个魅力男声整场戏90%的时间里都看着非常innocent。虽然我一次看见他就凭着我多年看电影的直觉判断出此人会是头号或二号反派人物，但当他正义凛然而有条不紊地告诉密室里的红衣主教们为什么要evacuate时，我觉得他身上充满了一个Pope该有的领袖气质和 insight。于是我的第一个猜测（这个人是Illuminati的卧底）不成立。


然后这个Camerlengo不断帮助Robert Langdon，并且一有机会就给一场关于为什么science 和religion都重要的speech，并且不断承认Catholic Church曾经对Illuminati的屠杀行为是错的。而且他长得太正义了，声音太好听了，眼神太无辜了。每次他被那个老主教以权势欺压时，我是气不打一处来啊。你说这么爱国家爱社会爱宗教的好少年（而且还这么帅）你去哪里找得到啊？还怪人家越权。人家可是句句在理啊。我唯一的感觉就是，Ewan McGregor在这部戏里对自己religion的热爱，丝毫不亚于他在moulin rouge对satine的热爱。虽然religion和人是不能比的，但是他的狂热，他的崇敬以及他不顾一切的追求，都是看得到的。


整部戏的高潮，产生于当the Camerlengo知道antimatter的电池不够时间被拆除而直接捧着它进入直升飞机里。（我在片头就很惊讶，Dan Brown这个人也太博学了，又懂religion又懂symbols连LHC,antimatter都略知一二）本来在前面那段，我就已经看出来他是故意受伤的。一切都太巧合了。Langdon刚刚闯进去，就看见了那么明显的一幕？而且the Camerlengo还没死？那个Swiss Guard的头头开始还完全一副还不在状态的表情，幸好他头脑转的快，那把钥匙说明这故事还有下文。


但是当the Camerlengo进直升飞机的时候我还是泪如泉涌啊。真的太正义了。黑色的牧师服，随时愿意牺牲的坚毅的表情(我觉得这个表情是真的，他也不知道自己活不活得下去），那个一切为了自己的信仰的英雄，就这么出现了又要这么走了。我当时真的希望他别跳下来就这么牺牲好了。要不等大家都知道真相时他会更惨。


最后悲惨的事情还是发生了。一切水落石出了。他在幕后策划了一切，是为了捍卫自己的信仰，但却用了不正当的手段。我想当他走进密室时心情是激动的，应该已经预测到了点什么。影片的这个插曲也许想表现一下他的ambition吧，但是交代得很模糊。当他走进密室面对众人时，他又很聪明，马上就意识到了the situation is out of control already。这段拍得很好。他没有像traditional Chinese drama里那样临死前还要做困兽之斗，或为自己辩解，或掏出一把手枪扫射。他腿受伤了，转身依然潇洒。他的紧张表现在愈行愉快的步伐中。我觉得他是在路上想到了最好的结局，自焚。最后他是个亡命之徒，不过不是歇斯底里型的。


其实影片很多地方交代得不很清楚。如果 the Camerlengo这么执迷于自己的信仰，为什么会牺牲与他同信仰的主教？如果这件事是他一手策划，他和那个绑架者的关系是什么？为什么那个绑架者说“ 他们没叫我杀你们“，而不是“他“？绑架者的身份是什么？而且，如果他这么疯狂，那么比起他极端的作案手法，他投降的太快了，快得让人觉得他知道自己是错的，which is not shown anywhere。


但是就Ewan McGregor而言，这是又一部佳作。他的表现丝毫不亚于Tom Hanks。他把这个人的伟大的那部分思想演出来了，并且赚了眼泪。而他在摄像头里露出本性的那段表演来得很自然。动作，语言，表情的衔接无可挑剔，太 convincing了。而剧本的问题，就忽视吧。

What's the matter with me?

Once, zry. Then, zhw. Though in both cases there were just crushes. I still have feelings for zry, although exactly what kind of feeling？I don't know. I just know that I would check his space regularly. I like every word he said. I can almost visualize his facial expression when he speaks. Still, I think I care for him. Maybe not in that sense, but care, still.
I guess I can never feel bad about him. He's attractive, although I'm the only one who thinks so. Well, my taste is always strange.
Suddenly I don't want to lose him. I still want him as my friend. I know I have to let go a lot of things. I know I should not act as if I'm crazy about him. But I just have to. If I lose contact with him, I may lose him forever. But I don't want to.
I can let go easily people like, zhw, who I would probably never know about. So I guess the reason I can't forget zry is that I really have liked him,and I never stop feeling good about him.
Okay, I've sent out invitation to him. I'm not sure he'll still add me. But if he does, I'll tell him I want him as a friend. I really do.

Some thoughts after the CCA exhibition

1st of all, I'm again depressed.

I now know that I'm only getting 12 hrs for two years serving in library. It sounds trivial,really. But it matters to me. I joined library last year because I heard that I can get 20 cip hrs per year. At the end of last year I was told it was 12 hrs per year. And now, omg, 12 hrs for two years. What can I say? I made this unwise choice myself, so I would have to abide all the consequences. I have to.

Again I'm creating a problem for myself. That's the situation and I can't change it. So really, why worry?

The 2nd thing that makes me frustrated is the comparison which I can't help making of me with others. I'm so weak. I'm nothing here. This really is not the place I'm meant to be. God loves jokes. Every body, except me, is a leader. Leadership, without which my US dream will forever remain a dream.

My CCAs do not need me. I know I can never go around and ask ppl to join my CCA. Or, at present, I can't. I have no confidence, nor support.

But indeed I'm lucky to have a friend who is willing to start an SL project with me, even though I'm not sure of doing it or not. Let me check things out over this weekend and make up my mind. I can't just hang around like this. I must do something.

A depressing day

My ear hurts! My ear hurts!

After one whole year since I got my ear pierced, I finally tasted my own bitter fruit. My ears have not recovered yet, and god knows whether the possibility of me having healthy ears still exists. I wonder. Okay, cheer up cheer up. I must believe in myself.

Another day of depression. I got back my physics consolidation test papers. It was a disaster, in every aspect. The super low mark, the most blank paper, the little thinking I have done, and the non-existent effort I was supposed to have put in.

This reminds me of a poem I saw in the Boarding School washroom(strange, isn't it). Worry never solves a problem, it may even become a problem. So why worry?

Why worry? I ask myself. I'm still concerned about Mr. Tan's reaction, to a large extent, even after the more disastrous mark I got for J1 Block Test. I guess I'm just someone who tries, albeit often in vain, to give every one the best possible impression. I am just like this. I want to get every one to like me, which, in any case, is not possible for someone like me. I 'm not hardworking, not clever, not as kind-hearted as a girl should be. I like to shout. I'm vulgar. And then? I could make a long list of all my weaknesses. Still, my parents are always there to love me and support me.

I don't know why I'm so easily agitated and pressurized. Any little thing could bring me depress. I want my life to be smooth with no trouble, which, I guess, is never possible.

And, sadly, I've lost my point again.

H3 math is driving me bad. The lectures are difficult enough to confuse me and deprive me of my confidence to look at any of the tutorial questions. I keep having this feeling that I may not do well in my H3 exams, which is the most undesirable situation now. And I still have my SL project to concern about. Should I do one just for the sake of a slightly better profolio? Or should I just concentrate on my study? I know if I kill this idea, I should probably say goodbye to my US dream now. But even if I try, wouldn't I be more disappointed if I fail? Why no confidence?

Shit. So much for today. I still have to catch up with my tutorial.

1st post in 2009

It's been a long time...since my last post. Really a long time. I've been lazy for some time. Just last week I though about closing this blog forever. But then when I looked at all those posts that I had written, I told myself to get up from laziness. Well, for the sake of my GP, I better starting writing something, though usually with grammatical mistakes, in English.

I could never write anything in English in XiaoNei. It's just that there are so many English pros of my ages moving around there, and even those people seldom use English. Thus my pride forbids me to write anything English there again.

There has not really been a significant change in my life up till now. School reopened, and I started repeating my tragedy all over again. School, hostel, hostel, school. Everyday I have work to complete. No normal TV programs. No Thunder. No relatives. Palpitations and immense anxiety are engulfing me. It feels like my heart is whacked suddenly. Maybe it is to do with my pressure, or my lack of confidence, or my sense of insecurity. I don't know why. Singapore is really driving me mad.

Last year I had a crush on somebody and now the feelings are almost drained. I even gave up my friendship with Zhao. I must admit my most irrational period comes when I talk to Zhao. He sucks yet I didn't want to stop the conversation. Now I'm glad I realized how strange he seems to me. Well I really can't figure out where this emotion thing is going. Headache.