我快埋到脖子了

很难想象物理实验会做得这么糟糕。模拟考得还不错，今天的实际考试又被我搞砸了。一团糟。

然后我罪恶的手就被可笑的挫败感控制着，拨了妈妈的电话，大哭特哭，大喊特喊。

我一直都知道自己很差劲，很不负责任，很懦弱。如果人真的要分等级，那么我觉得是最没骨气的下等人。最恶俗的词语都无法形容我极端变态的性格。我的人生横观纵观都是悲剧。有时我就觉得，我就像咸阳广场上的那个疯子一样，笑自己的，哭自己的，完全不在乎别人。被所有人鄙视却毫不知情。脑袋里根本没有耻辱这个概念。想怎么想就怎么样。

那么人生也许能轻松一些吧。可惜我和他不一样。我还沾染了迂腐的气息。我还懂得羡慕与嫉妒。我还受过他妈的素质教育。我还是个学生。我还有亲人。

我处于这个人不人鬼不鬼的范围内，像蚂蚁一样只重视自己肤浅的喜怒哀乐。人最大的悲哀不是被这个世界所不容，而是亲手用一粒灰尘活埋了自己。

我快埋到脖子了。

Talk by a Physics Doctor.

In front of nature, we are all equal. We're at the same starting point. It makes no difference that I'm a doctor, and you're a student.

If, in 20 years' time, you read the things you write at this time, you may just laugh at yourself. But, the thing that matters is that, at this time, you've gone through critical think and you are pretty sure about your conclusion. The invaluable thing is actually the satisfaction you derive.

爸爸，生日快乐。爱你。

爸爸又老了一岁。
每次回家，在咸阳机场，都觉得爸爸越来越黑，越来越矮，越来越胖，白头发越来越多了。当年的那个帅哥已经不在了。人都是会老的。可能我回家不频繁，所以，一年的小变化堆积成了大变化。
可是爸爸对我的爱是与日俱增的。每次回家日子都是天堂般的。什么都不用想，什么都不用做，像个公主一样被伺候着。爸爸就这么宠着我，惯着我，我知道他也很快乐。因为我们的感觉都一样。自己最爱的人快乐的时候，我们比他们还要快乐。
有时我郁闷，是因为内疚，觉得达不到爸爸的期望。所以就乱发脾气。想不通问题的时候，总是明白爸爸会给最正确的解答，但是老是不敢问，怕爸爸的脾气。可是，谁还会为我的问题真诚的批评我呢？还把自己搞得心情不好？只有爱我的人吧。
我已经无法完整的写一篇抒情文章了。但是，爱写不出来，却可以做出来。
爸爸。我爱你。

遇见了小学同学

在校内偶遇我六年级的同桌。说实话小学的生活我基本上都忘光了，除了初中还在一起的同学，和雷徽。我真的忘了自己曾经的理想是“哈佛女孩”啊
“我记得你以前的理想是“哈佛女孩”

还有，我六年级刚转来时好象是和你坐着的”
“我还记得

六年级一班，那次转来4个同学。班主任数学老师叫刘丽荣，语文老师叫邹亚婷。

我那时学武术呢，刚来时就坐你旁边，那是个空位子。

没几天就坐后面了。

那时你们学习好的，你，雷徽，李杏子等人整天说的是剑桥男孩和哈佛那孩

还有，写那篇《20年后的我》说的最多的就是克隆和机器人 ”

说真的，现在再审视自己，觉得自己好堕落。没理想，没计划。
到底长大是成熟，还是现实呢？是痛苦，还是快乐呢？

The girl of yesterday had long gone

Indeed, I must admit my face was burning when I saw my block result. The test has become part of history. But the result recorded on isp will never. It's whipping me. It's reminding me how irresponsible and stupid I have been.
No point repeating whatever I have said. I just want, at this very moment, to encourage myself that everything will be better if I am confident enough to face tomorrow.
LX told me that we are just as good if we mug enough. It's just that we didn't put in effort. I shall thank him for his words. At this very time, all I need is hope and confidence. Thank god. I have so many people around who wouldn't give up on me. My parents, my friends.

"There's not a day goes by i don't feel regret for what i did. i look back the year i was then, the young stupid kid, who commited that terrible crime. i wanna talk to him, i wanna talk some sense to him, but i can't. that boy's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. i got to live with that. rehalebitated? it's just a bullshit word! so you go on stamp your form on that paper and stop wasting my time. because to tell you the truth, i don't give a shit."

I can still feel my heart beating whenever I think of Red in this scene of Shawshank redemption. I've got to live with the result.

The girl of yesterday had long gone. What's left is a new life. New hope.

God likes joking...

It was only yesterday that I said I'm going to start a new life. God really likes joking. Now I'm feeling like a fool, after getting back my econs and physics paper. I mean, life is ironic, isn't it?
I'm too ashamed to tell people my mark. I feel kind of heartbroken whenever block test is mentioned.
The two subjects...really out of my imagination. I know I have blown up my econs essay. But then, I never thought of my data response could be so much worse. As for physics, I have absolutely nothing to say. The score is half my expectation.
So what? Am I gonna just get angry with myself and lose confidence?
I can't. In fact, I want, but can't afford to. I still have time. What matters is my attitude. From the first day I came to school, I knew that I'm not stupid. Everything has gone so well that I am no longer able to endure failures.

But, I always know that I have a chance, which is just in my hand and waiting for me to hold tighter. Anyway everything's over now. Exams belonged to yesterday. Yesterday's history, tomorrow's mystery, but today's a gift. I want to love. But this love can't be gotten easily. I have to try for it. I want to care for someone, but I must first of all be emotionally healthy. All in all, I can only be kind when I have the basis. I can't expect anyone to be the same as me. I can let others depend on me but I can't depend on others too much. At least, I must fight for my own future and nobody's gonna be there to help me.

So the point I want to make is that, I must mug now.

To devote oneself, without asking for anything in return…

You see, people don’t usually learn things overnight. But there are exceptions. As for my case, I don’t know if it is considered an exception. Well let me just be straightforward.

Looking back on the things I’ve done and the posts I’ve written, I feel strongly that I had been a coward. Is this nature? I wonder. But then this question should never be my question in the first place, unless I go and study philosophy. See the point I’m trying to make here is that at different stages of life, there’s a need to focus on whatever we are supposed to be doing. Right here right now it makes no sense for me to just sit down here and weep by my self, sobbing loudly so that someone may approach me and care for me. For 14 years I’ve been used to be looked after. Then, now, in this age, I’m still hoping that someone would be committed to me. How silly! I wonder whether the root of this huge problem lies in those romantic soap operas I’ve watched. I need to mention here that romantic soap opera sucks. Whoever believes in it would be too foolish.

So here goes the next point. I put all my hysterical words and actions under one cause, namely attention-seeking. (Maybe it’s because I can’t find a better reason). Anyway I’m still not grown up. People like me undergoes cycles. First you feel desperate. Then, accidentally you have something unbelievable good happened to you, or you happen to read a good book telling you to calm down, you will immediately change to a happy mood. Then, unfortunately, by accident again, a trivial trouble finds you and you go back to the first phase. That’s it. That’s the kind of life I’m living and I’m trying to get rid of.

Time doesn’t allow me to say anymore. But, all in all, let me mention about the topic of this post. I suddenly feel it’s so good to just care for someone and just give whatever you have. I think this kind of life suits me. When you don’t ask for anything in return, you’ll find this world so much prettier. So I will do what I want to do, and abandon what I shouldn’t be dreaming of. Here goes my new life.

第一次去开MC的经历。

昨天晚上又看了一遍Shawshank's Redemption，结果过分激动了。第二天早上6点45的闹钟，被我狠狠的按掉了。7点时我在床上挣扎着做思想斗争，但是最终理智被身体打败，我坚定的又一次按掉闹钟，下决心晃过今天的歌唱课。
10点多我从床上爬起来，打着哈欠去洗澡。然后浪费时间直到11点，把包一提，就忐忑不安的走向coronation clinic。
我一直很担心那个医生到底会不会识破我。虽然说我的理由是胃疼，虽然说我确实胃疼了半年了。可是今天我偏偏就毫无感觉啊。到底要不要装出一副弱不禁风胃痛难忍的表情呢？这么思考着，我就到了诊所门口。走进去，报上名字，立马就进了那医生的办公室。
这绝对是我看病史上最快的一次了。对话如下：
“怎么了？”
“胃疼。没吃时针扎一样疼，吃了胀的疼。”
“哦，要按时吃饭，别吃太多。我开点药，要病假条吗？”
“要。”
然后我就出去了，领到MC的时候还没缓过神。这也太快了。。。