20 Nov 2010
16 Nov 2010
Or you just think that you are the sole representative of the truth?
I don't understand any of this.
I have absolutely no idea what Liu Xiaobo has actually done, or whether he really deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. This article in "The Economist" is suggesting that China is threatening all the western leaders not to attend the Oslo dinner. And because of the immense power China has over the world's economy, it is very likely that those countries that are "eager for business" will not take part in "this political game".
It seems to me that this author is criticizing a lot of people. China is, in his opinion, suppressing human rights by not releasing Liu Xiaobo. Western leaders, such as James Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy, have to bow to China for the sake of their economy. It's as if the Chinese Communist Party resembles the Nazis.
To me, this article merely shows how hypocritical the westerners are. If they really put the human rights issue as their top priority, as they always claim, then why not just boycott China? Why not cut off their relationship with China as a protest of the so-called "abuse of human rights"? Because they can't! They have to deal with their economy problems before they can have any mood to join the "let's kick the Chinese out of earth" team.
This proves that in any country human right is nothing compared with money. This is harsh, but true. Then how can one blame China for imprisoning Liu, even if this really involves any "abuse of human rights"? Releasing him would most likely cause political instability which could take China's economy all the way back to the 1960s. No one could or should risk this. In fact, what the Chinese government has chosen to do is perfectly reasonable and helpful.
Surely you can talk about human rights any time you want when you are just this little guy whose main job is to write articles to feed himself. I completely understand. If you did not act as if you are a big supporter of human rights, who will read your article or pay you? But let's face it, if you were a leader of any country, you would only be able to come out with stupid plans by all the time talking about human rights instead of the economy.
I have absolutely no idea what Liu Xiaobo has actually done, or whether he really deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. This article in "The Economist" is suggesting that China is threatening all the western leaders not to attend the Oslo dinner. And because of the immense power China has over the world's economy, it is very likely that those countries that are "eager for business" will not take part in "this political game".
It seems to me that this author is criticizing a lot of people. China is, in his opinion, suppressing human rights by not releasing Liu Xiaobo. Western leaders, such as James Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy, have to bow to China for the sake of their economy. It's as if the Chinese Communist Party resembles the Nazis.
To me, this article merely shows how hypocritical the westerners are. If they really put the human rights issue as their top priority, as they always claim, then why not just boycott China? Why not cut off their relationship with China as a protest of the so-called "abuse of human rights"? Because they can't! They have to deal with their economy problems before they can have any mood to join the "let's kick the Chinese out of earth" team.
This proves that in any country human right is nothing compared with money. This is harsh, but true. Then how can one blame China for imprisoning Liu, even if this really involves any "abuse of human rights"? Releasing him would most likely cause political instability which could take China's economy all the way back to the 1960s. No one could or should risk this. In fact, what the Chinese government has chosen to do is perfectly reasonable and helpful.
Surely you can talk about human rights any time you want when you are just this little guy whose main job is to write articles to feed himself. I completely understand. If you did not act as if you are a big supporter of human rights, who will read your article or pay you? But let's face it, if you were a leader of any country, you would only be able to come out with stupid plans by all the time talking about human rights instead of the economy.
4 Nov 2010
The probable direction I should follow in NTU
...That I may never have a solution to. But I'd say I'm starting to figure out how to reduce my anxiety now. I should work as hard as I can, just to be responsible for myself, for I may never have another opportunity to learn as an undergraduate. As for how the grading system would judge me, that's something I cannot control, and therefore something I should care less for...
2 Nov 2010
Take my life away
这几天看见什么都烦。在熬了无数夜考了各种试之后，依然没有一件事让我满意。昨晚为了那个对我来说难以理解的vector in geometry 和 vector in coordinate system，我盯着书一直看到早上5点。于是被我妈骂。是的，我是没有学习技巧。昨晚最应该做的是做几道题然后洗洗睡了。我犯了两个致命错误，钻牛角尖和熬夜。能说什么的？学习技巧到底TMD是什么？如果我做的事情都是错误的，那拜托了，让我被车撞死吧，让我被高空坠物砸死吧。如果我这种思想模式真的是TMD大错特错的话，那么上帝你能不能赶快把我从这世界删除了？何必让我活得如此累？然后看着一帮活着比我轻松的人从我身边走过，轻描淡写的告诉我，谁让你思维方式错误了呢？为什么你们的就是对的我的就是错的？凭什么考试总青睐你们的思维方式，而鄙视我的想法？
我受够了。Why live in this world as such a big big mistake? 老天爷，你看着我这么劳累地活着觉得好笑吗？你看着我和这个世界格格不入没有人能理解我你很舒服么？难道你让我出生的唯一原因就是想把我当一个笑话看吗？如果是这样，take my life away, would you? I don't want to live like this! I just want a simple life, that's all!
我受够了。Why live in this world as such a big big mistake? 老天爷，你看着我这么劳累地活着觉得好笑吗？你看着我和这个世界格格不入没有人能理解我你很舒服么？难道你让我出生的唯一原因就是想把我当一个笑话看吗？如果是这样，take my life away, would you? I don't want to live like this! I just want a simple life, that's all!
31 Oct 2010
活着很累
真的是很累。Calculus还没怎么搞懂，Programming就杯具了。不但在Midterm栽了跟头，Lab session拿到的分数也是低的难以想象。已经这么差了，还能怎么样？
But I can't give up. I've just got to face the obstacles and try to overcome them. That's so hard. My time is so limited everyday and I have tons of stuff to finish. I have troubles in catching up with most of the courses, and yet I am not practicing enough. Somehow I have to make a choice between how much sleep and how much study to sacrifice.
Life is all about struggles. I can't seem to make it out.
But I can't give up. I've just got to face the obstacles and try to overcome them. That's so hard. My time is so limited everyday and I have tons of stuff to finish. I have troubles in catching up with most of the courses, and yet I am not practicing enough. Somehow I have to make a choice between how much sleep and how much study to sacrifice.
Life is all about struggles. I can't seem to make it out.
16 Oct 2010
对不起
我想说对不起，因为我一直把错误归咎于你。我像一个更年期妇女一样，自己幻想一大堆的事情，然后谴责这个世界不按照我幻想的来，谴责你打破我的梦。
其实你没错，你很好的。你主动了解我，虽然是暂时的，但是很少有人会对我这么友好的。所以我对你有好感，不是你的错。
可是我被空虚蒙蔽了，我想要的东西太多了，我开始抱怨周围的人为什么不理解我，为什么不给我我想要的。我是如此的得寸进尺，我的想法是如此的幼稚而自我，我甚至都没去想想自己的动机是什么？做这件事的意义又是什么？
于是我不理智的删掉了MSN，我想象自己是个决绝的失恋少女。可笑吧？可是我真的这么想过，我总是把自己想象成可怜而受伤的形象，唉，亏我一直以为自己心智成熟呢，其实我无比幼稚。周围的人劝我别这么做，可是我总是觉得他们不是我所以不理解我，我觉得这世界只有我在支撑我自己。
其实我错了，我可笑的错了。如果我自己都不清楚我想要什么，我又怎么能要求你做出任何回应？我从来都没有做出足够的努力去了解你，又如何能要求你了解我？即使我说我喜欢你，那也只是一种暂时的好感，如果我对你都没有足够深的感情，我又如何能理直气壮的要求你对我做出一个回复？在我不断埋怨你不把我当一回事儿的时候，我是否真的付出过很多呢？
如果答案是否定的，那我只能说，我真的很可笑，总想不付出就得到收获。
更重要的问题是，我可以付出么？我有那个立场付出么？如果我付出了的话，我有勇气负责任么？
我不可以只是为了填补空虚而找一个人，也不可以只是想找个依靠。我一向都是想找一个我可以接受他的一切，并且他也可以接受我的一切的人。现在是这样吗？不是的，因为我不了解你，我不知道自己可不可以接受你的一切，所以我连追你的立场都没有。我不该拿感情当儿戏。我不该想当然。
综上所述，我现在唯一有权利做的事，就是在你的能承受的范围之内，慢慢的了解你，慢慢的搞清楚自己的想法。我不知道一周之内天天在MSN上找你聊是否为你带来了困扰。你应该是很忙的，忙学业，忙活动，忙休息。也许你已经给我过暗示了，但很明显，迟钝的我没有看出来。今天我一上线，你就下线了。你再一次上线时，就立刻下了，不知道是不是因为看到我在线。我老弟听我说了这些后说我特别多疑。是的，我真的很多疑。
现在我告诉你，我决定以后只在周四找你说话，毕竟周四打完游戏能轻松点吧。其余时间，我不能再烦你了，而且说实话，我每天要找一个无聊话题和你搭讪，也是很头疼的。
如果每周一次还是太多的话，那么希望我想你可能以后周四都不会上线了。哈哈，如果真这样，放心吧。I can take the hint.
我想说，我这么做，是因为我真的觉得你是很好很好的人，我对你有好感，所以我想了解你的想法，想离你近一些。但是我不会再有任何要求了。还是那句话，我都没有勇气负任何责任，怎么能苛求你？我不会再把自己弄得可怜兮兮然后把错误推在你身上，然后不断的纠结是否要把你从我的Contact List上移除了。
其实我写这么多，根本就不关你的事。就算我把错误算在你头上又如何？就算我删除了你又如何？你可能会冷笑三声然后对我说"I don't even care"。我很清楚，因为整篇文章都不关你的事，是我在劝我自己怎样用一种less self-centered view来梳理我自己的感情。你应该对此文一笑置之。可是，如果你万一介意我曾经这么自私的想过你的话，那么请接受我的道歉：真的对不起，整件事都是我的错。你是一个好人，是我在这所学校的第一个曾经愿意了解我的好人。
其实你没错，你很好的。你主动了解我，虽然是暂时的，但是很少有人会对我这么友好的。所以我对你有好感，不是你的错。
可是我被空虚蒙蔽了，我想要的东西太多了，我开始抱怨周围的人为什么不理解我，为什么不给我我想要的。我是如此的得寸进尺，我的想法是如此的幼稚而自我，我甚至都没去想想自己的动机是什么？做这件事的意义又是什么？
于是我不理智的删掉了MSN，我想象自己是个决绝的失恋少女。可笑吧？可是我真的这么想过，我总是把自己想象成可怜而受伤的形象，唉，亏我一直以为自己心智成熟呢，其实我无比幼稚。周围的人劝我别这么做，可是我总是觉得他们不是我所以不理解我，我觉得这世界只有我在支撑我自己。
其实我错了，我可笑的错了。如果我自己都不清楚我想要什么，我又怎么能要求你做出任何回应？我从来都没有做出足够的努力去了解你，又如何能要求你了解我？即使我说我喜欢你，那也只是一种暂时的好感，如果我对你都没有足够深的感情，我又如何能理直气壮的要求你对我做出一个回复？在我不断埋怨你不把我当一回事儿的时候，我是否真的付出过很多呢？
如果答案是否定的，那我只能说，我真的很可笑，总想不付出就得到收获。
更重要的问题是，我可以付出么？我有那个立场付出么？如果我付出了的话，我有勇气负责任么？
我不可以只是为了填补空虚而找一个人，也不可以只是想找个依靠。我一向都是想找一个我可以接受他的一切，并且他也可以接受我的一切的人。现在是这样吗？不是的，因为我不了解你，我不知道自己可不可以接受你的一切，所以我连追你的立场都没有。我不该拿感情当儿戏。我不该想当然。
综上所述，我现在唯一有权利做的事，就是在你的能承受的范围之内，慢慢的了解你，慢慢的搞清楚自己的想法。我不知道一周之内天天在MSN上找你聊是否为你带来了困扰。你应该是很忙的，忙学业，忙活动，忙休息。也许你已经给我过暗示了，但很明显，迟钝的我没有看出来。今天我一上线，你就下线了。你再一次上线时，就立刻下了，不知道是不是因为看到我在线。我老弟听我说了这些后说我特别多疑。是的，我真的很多疑。
现在我告诉你，我决定以后只在周四找你说话，毕竟周四打完游戏能轻松点吧。其余时间，我不能再烦你了，而且说实话，我每天要找一个无聊话题和你搭讪，也是很头疼的。
如果每周一次还是太多的话，那么希望我想你可能以后周四都不会上线了。哈哈，如果真这样，放心吧。I can take the hint.
我想说，我这么做，是因为我真的觉得你是很好很好的人，我对你有好感，所以我想了解你的想法，想离你近一些。但是我不会再有任何要求了。还是那句话，我都没有勇气负任何责任，怎么能苛求你？我不会再把自己弄得可怜兮兮然后把错误推在你身上，然后不断的纠结是否要把你从我的Contact List上移除了。
其实我写这么多，根本就不关你的事。就算我把错误算在你头上又如何？就算我删除了你又如何？你可能会冷笑三声然后对我说"I don't even care"。我很清楚，因为整篇文章都不关你的事，是我在劝我自己怎样用一种less self-centered view来梳理我自己的感情。你应该对此文一笑置之。可是，如果你万一介意我曾经这么自私的想过你的话，那么请接受我的道歉：真的对不起，整件事都是我的错。你是一个好人，是我在这所学校的第一个曾经愿意了解我的好人。
Just as what Rachel Greene would say,
I am over you, and that, my friend, is what they call closure.
And that means, my friend, I am so totally okay with being a normal acquaintance of yours.
And that means, my friend, I am so totally okay with being a normal acquaintance of yours.
Day 1
搭讪之后比其先下线！
下线之后果断删掉touch里的MSN messenger！
我的确是太自我，太过激了。说真的，人家不喜欢我也不需要这样决裂吧。
但是老弟说我没问题！他觉得我这样挺好的！！
他觉得我好，我就好！
在木有聊天工具的情况下，明天应该会更上一层楼！
真是，明明这么猥琐，装什么淑女啊。
就算再想哭再舍不得，我也要往前走！
下线之后果断删掉touch里的MSN messenger！
我的确是太自我，太过激了。说真的，人家不喜欢我也不需要这样决裂吧。
但是老弟说我没问题！他觉得我这样挺好的！！
他觉得我好，我就好！
在木有聊天工具的情况下，明天应该会更上一层楼！
真是，明明这么猥琐，装什么淑女啊。
就算再想哭再舍不得，我也要往前走！
14 Oct 2010
9 Oct 2010
8 Oct 2010
我特别烦
我每天都有能力把自己搞得很烦躁。我不知道为什么。
其实我一直以来都想让自己坚强点的。坚强点坚强点。别这么容易烦躁别这么容易受伤。可是我头脑中的东西太多了。我想有更多的时间学习，我也想找些事填补空虚。我想让所有的麻烦事都一扫而光。我想让这个世界不要这么乱，不要这么充满火药味。但是可能吗？
今天我清醒的意识到了三件事。一，我不应该再纠缠别人不放。我应该学会适应不再在msn上等人；二，其实我很渺小，我什么都不是，我对这个世界的种种看法都只能被我一个人所接受，根本没有第二个人可以理解；三，不管以前多么傻逼，现在我弥补的唯一方式就是不断的学习，学习，学习。
一直以来我不知道我在等什么。我就是期待着某些事会发生，我把自己太当回事儿了。任何一件事情在我想来都会变得极为复杂。我不断的猜测不断的怀疑不断的推翻自己的一个又一个看法。我让别人的种种情绪主宰了我自己的生活。这太可怕，我太懦弱。别人真的是无意的，为什么我要想那么多？为什么为什么为什么？如果他能不在乎，为什么我不能?我想我要硬性的来切断我和一切影响我情绪的因素的联系了。我要把你们从我的情感中剔除出去，我要学会凌驾于自己。
我也要适应有不同声音存在着的这个社会。真的,请认清自己的目标。我是来学习的。真的。我要对得起我的父母，对得起生我养我的人。
我这样渺小，可能我会像杂草一样生活着，可能我会自生自灭。我真的不知道我的结局是什么，我也猜不出来。
今天晚上和昨天晚上一样，特别难受。明天应该会好点吧？
其实我一直以来都想让自己坚强点的。坚强点坚强点。别这么容易烦躁别这么容易受伤。可是我头脑中的东西太多了。我想有更多的时间学习，我也想找些事填补空虚。我想让所有的麻烦事都一扫而光。我想让这个世界不要这么乱，不要这么充满火药味。但是可能吗？
今天我清醒的意识到了三件事。一，我不应该再纠缠别人不放。我应该学会适应不再在msn上等人；二，其实我很渺小，我什么都不是，我对这个世界的种种看法都只能被我一个人所接受，根本没有第二个人可以理解；三，不管以前多么傻逼，现在我弥补的唯一方式就是不断的学习，学习，学习。
一直以来我不知道我在等什么。我就是期待着某些事会发生，我把自己太当回事儿了。任何一件事情在我想来都会变得极为复杂。我不断的猜测不断的怀疑不断的推翻自己的一个又一个看法。我让别人的种种情绪主宰了我自己的生活。这太可怕，我太懦弱。别人真的是无意的，为什么我要想那么多？为什么为什么为什么？如果他能不在乎，为什么我不能?我想我要硬性的来切断我和一切影响我情绪的因素的联系了。我要把你们从我的情感中剔除出去，我要学会凌驾于自己。
我也要适应有不同声音存在着的这个社会。真的,请认清自己的目标。我是来学习的。真的。我要对得起我的父母，对得起生我养我的人。
我这样渺小，可能我会像杂草一样生活着，可能我会自生自灭。我真的不知道我的结局是什么，我也猜不出来。
今天晚上和昨天晚上一样，特别难受。明天应该会好点吧？
7 Oct 2010
5 Oct 2010
继续淡定
He's just a good guy. That's all.
I promise you things will get better along the way, as nothing would get worse than now.
Am I that irritating?
:( Sigh...
I promise you things will get better along the way, as nothing would get worse than now.
Am I that irritating?
:( Sigh...
29 Sept 2010
Still I hope someone cares, just like the logistic manager who wanted to kill himself in Friends
总是平白无故的.难过起来
然而大伙都在 笑话正是精彩
怎么好意思.一个人走开
不是没有想过.随便谈个恋爱
一天又过一天.三十岁就快来
往後的日子怎麽对自己交待
寂寞难耐,寂寞难耐
爱情是最辛苦的等待
爱情是最遥远的未来
时光不再啊.时光不再
只有自己为自己喝采
只有自己为自己悲哀
虽然曾经有过很多感情的债
对於未来的爱还是非常期待
这一次我的心情不高不低不好不坏
寂寞难耐,寂寞难耐
爱情是最辛苦的等待
爱情是最遥远的未来
时光不再啊.时光不再
只有自己为自己喝采
只有自己为自己悲哀
然而大伙都在 笑话正是精彩
怎么好意思.一个人走开
不是没有想过.随便谈个恋爱
一天又过一天.三十岁就快来
往後的日子怎麽对自己交待
寂寞难耐,寂寞难耐
爱情是最辛苦的等待
爱情是最遥远的未来
时光不再啊.时光不再
只有自己为自己喝采
只有自己为自己悲哀
虽然曾经有过很多感情的债
对於未来的爱还是非常期待
这一次我的心情不高不低不好不坏
寂寞难耐,寂寞难耐
爱情是最辛苦的等待
爱情是最遥远的未来
时光不再啊.时光不再
只有自己为自己喝采
只有自己为自己悲哀
28 Sept 2010
24 Sept 2010
淡定
Sometimes I think I am amazing at ignoring the surrounding. Apparently I succeeded again tonight. I feel quite sad, in fact, that while I am sitting here wasting time alone, my favorite senior is most enjoying himself. Well, I really shouldn't wonder, because this is what I am good at. Being in a party and let everyone feel as if I wasn't there at all.
But I am not complaining. I have for a very long time learnt to enjoy moments like this. You know, it is good to spend some time to organize my thoughts. Plural? I asked myself with amusement. This is the question that Chandler asked Joey in one episode of Friends. Do I have thoughts? I wonder. But I certainly know how to entertain myself at the right time. I learn to feel peaceful. This is a big improvement for me, really.
Still I hope someone would care. Not that I am so desperate for a man, I think I just need someone to make me feel good about myself at all time. It could be just a friend, as long as he or she makes me feel good. But it is a little hard right? Because even my parent would not be able to stay with me at all time to boost my confidence. I am asking for too much, I know. It is silly to ask someone to give you confidence. It is really my problem. I have to find that strength within me and boost it myself. I really should.
I remember somebody once told me that if I don't change at all, I will never be able to find a boyfriend. Well let's just say that I finally decide to give up. I don't want to get all needy and clingy. Or to be more exact, I need to force myself to stop being so needy and insecure.
There's something within me that this world cannot touch. It is the strength I have yet to discover. Sometimes when I am alone and I starting thinking how hard it is to live in this world, I would want to back out. But I know that strength is supporting me. I know I could go much further than I have been.
But I am not complaining. I have for a very long time learnt to enjoy moments like this. You know, it is good to spend some time to organize my thoughts. Plural? I asked myself with amusement. This is the question that Chandler asked Joey in one episode of Friends. Do I have thoughts? I wonder. But I certainly know how to entertain myself at the right time. I learn to feel peaceful. This is a big improvement for me, really.
Still I hope someone would care. Not that I am so desperate for a man, I think I just need someone to make me feel good about myself at all time. It could be just a friend, as long as he or she makes me feel good. But it is a little hard right? Because even my parent would not be able to stay with me at all time to boost my confidence. I am asking for too much, I know. It is silly to ask someone to give you confidence. It is really my problem. I have to find that strength within me and boost it myself. I really should.
I remember somebody once told me that if I don't change at all, I will never be able to find a boyfriend. Well let's just say that I finally decide to give up. I don't want to get all needy and clingy. Or to be more exact, I need to force myself to stop being so needy and insecure.
There's something within me that this world cannot touch. It is the strength I have yet to discover. Sometimes when I am alone and I starting thinking how hard it is to live in this world, I would want to back out. But I know that strength is supporting me. I know I could go much further than I have been.
23 Sept 2010
世态炎凉
当你最需要人帮助的时候，有多少人会不顾手上的事情马上跑过来帮你呢？
最近活得很游离。人多的时候总感觉自己像空气。比如今天CCA开什么general meeting，我还屁颠儿屁颠儿跑过去了，结果基本上被所有人无视，一个人在房间里穿来穿去找不到自己的位置，在尴尬的笑了一个多小时后终于一个人狼狈的离开了。我看着蓝墨水一样的天空，突然就特别想哭，于是打电话给小尚子，于是就狠狠发泄了一番。当时我只想唱”浮夸“。
yy过来需要租房子，我一个女生去看房子觉得有点危险，但是再怎么找也找不到第二个人了。你说什么叫友谊呢？在一起4年的校友算不算友谊呢？可是拒绝就是拒绝，都不需要second thoughts.
人与人估计是没有日久生情这一说的吧，在一起的时间长短与感情的深浅也不成正比吧。我活了20年，认识了那么多人，到底真的有赴汤蹈火在所不辞的朋友么？
记得自己曾写过一篇文章，说君子之交淡如水。人与人之间交往，的确是不该有任何前提，不该对对方有任何要求的。我应该还无法达到君子的高度，所以在被所有人拒绝之后，我感到很悲哀。没有人帮我的感觉的确是挺杯具的。这就是社会吧，每个人在保证自己的利益的情况下，闲来无聊也许愿意装装上帝。可是利益仍然是排第一位的。
也许因为我是完美主义者吧，社会在我眼里总是如此不堪，所以我懒的去交流，因为很可能我费了九牛二虎之力交来的朋友会在我最需要帮助时抛弃我。这很恐怖，真的很恐怖。与其费尽心力，不如顺其自然，让命运帮我找几个朋友。
我的作文水平真的是无可救药了。
最近活得很游离。人多的时候总感觉自己像空气。比如今天CCA开什么general meeting，我还屁颠儿屁颠儿跑过去了，结果基本上被所有人无视，一个人在房间里穿来穿去找不到自己的位置，在尴尬的笑了一个多小时后终于一个人狼狈的离开了。我看着蓝墨水一样的天空，突然就特别想哭，于是打电话给小尚子，于是就狠狠发泄了一番。当时我只想唱”浮夸“。
yy过来需要租房子，我一个女生去看房子觉得有点危险，但是再怎么找也找不到第二个人了。你说什么叫友谊呢？在一起4年的校友算不算友谊呢？可是拒绝就是拒绝，都不需要second thoughts.
人与人估计是没有日久生情这一说的吧，在一起的时间长短与感情的深浅也不成正比吧。我活了20年，认识了那么多人，到底真的有赴汤蹈火在所不辞的朋友么？
记得自己曾写过一篇文章，说君子之交淡如水。人与人之间交往，的确是不该有任何前提，不该对对方有任何要求的。我应该还无法达到君子的高度，所以在被所有人拒绝之后，我感到很悲哀。没有人帮我的感觉的确是挺杯具的。这就是社会吧，每个人在保证自己的利益的情况下，闲来无聊也许愿意装装上帝。可是利益仍然是排第一位的。
也许因为我是完美主义者吧，社会在我眼里总是如此不堪，所以我懒的去交流，因为很可能我费了九牛二虎之力交来的朋友会在我最需要帮助时抛弃我。这很恐怖，真的很恐怖。与其费尽心力，不如顺其自然，让命运帮我找几个朋友。
我的作文水平真的是无可救药了。
9 Sept 2010
Unapproachable
Someone described me as "unapproachable". This seems like the word that could describe me the best, but still I don't feel comfortable.
People keep telling me that I have to be flexible and make lots of friends now, otherwise I would not succeed when I go into the society. How do you do it? How do you make lots of "friends"? It is not that I have a harsh criteria for friends, just that I don't feel comfortable initiating a talk with a total stranger, when there is not even a project or a theme to start with.
All my fellow students are powerful talkers, and being near them makes me feel weird. A kind of feeling of inferiority, I think. Isn't it weird, that I feel inferior even if I seem to be convinced that being myself is undoubtedly the right way for me. I guess it is because I am not that convinced after all. I'm so full of contradictions.
Okay, stop this sad tone please. Just picture myself surrounded by my family and my real friends. They are the only people who make me feel calm and peaceful, as if I am living in a world without fake laughs, awkward conversations and stressful competitions. I hate the environment here. However, I believe there must always be a away out, I really do. Those who love me are always with me. I can feel the love. I'll be strong. I'll do everything I can to survive in this god-damned environment.
People keep telling me that I have to be flexible and make lots of friends now, otherwise I would not succeed when I go into the society. How do you do it? How do you make lots of "friends"? It is not that I have a harsh criteria for friends, just that I don't feel comfortable initiating a talk with a total stranger, when there is not even a project or a theme to start with.
All my fellow students are powerful talkers, and being near them makes me feel weird. A kind of feeling of inferiority, I think. Isn't it weird, that I feel inferior even if I seem to be convinced that being myself is undoubtedly the right way for me. I guess it is because I am not that convinced after all. I'm so full of contradictions.
Okay, stop this sad tone please. Just picture myself surrounded by my family and my real friends. They are the only people who make me feel calm and peaceful, as if I am living in a world without fake laughs, awkward conversations and stressful competitions. I hate the environment here. However, I believe there must always be a away out, I really do. Those who love me are always with me. I can feel the love. I'll be strong. I'll do everything I can to survive in this god-damned environment.
5 Sept 2010
如何完整的生存在这个世界中？
Recently I always have this feeling that my life is incomplete.
Is it, really?
I miss the fun I have had with my friends. YY and Seraph are in China now. It seems the only friend I have here is LX, to whom I can't tell certain things.
Maybe a lot of people are experiencing this transition now. But to them this may be only a short-term thing. Soon they'll make new friends and have new fun. But could I, ever?
I know I am jealous of those who did manage to get into accountancy. I missed my chance, and I was never able to change the outcome of that god-damned interview. I had performed poorly and let myself down. But these were not the worst. What hurts me the most is the fear I have over math. Could I ever do well in it?
Could I ever make another friend in this campus? Will I be allowed to stay in hostel for the next 3 years?
I am full of doubts.
Is it, really?
I miss the fun I have had with my friends. YY and Seraph are in China now. It seems the only friend I have here is LX, to whom I can't tell certain things.
Maybe a lot of people are experiencing this transition now. But to them this may be only a short-term thing. Soon they'll make new friends and have new fun. But could I, ever?
I know I am jealous of those who did manage to get into accountancy. I missed my chance, and I was never able to change the outcome of that god-damned interview. I had performed poorly and let myself down. But these were not the worst. What hurts me the most is the fear I have over math. Could I ever do well in it?
Could I ever make another friend in this campus? Will I be allowed to stay in hostel for the next 3 years?
I am full of doubts.
8 Jul 2010
德国队输了
我真的很难受很难受。这是我唯一完整看完的一场比赛，也是让我泪流满面的一场比赛。巴熊熊并没有在场边，否则如果让我看到他的表情，我大概都睡不好吧。
如果不是因为他，我也许都不会关注德国队。下届世界杯，应该不会再有熊和克洛泽了。现实就是如此残酷。年轻的德国队还有机会，但是老将如熊，就真的要带着遗憾了。
如果不是因为他，我也许都不会关注德国队。下届世界杯，应该不会再有熊和克洛泽了。现实就是如此残酷。年轻的德国队还有机会，但是老将如熊，就真的要带着遗憾了。
16 Apr 2010
14 Apr 2010
Not a happy time
I have no job, neither do I have any offer. Everyday I just stay home, eat and sleep. I called mum just now and cried. I did not know why. All my problems are created by myself.
I have no idea what my future will be like. I know I will work harder, though. After being rejected by lots of companies, I see where I stand. I have neither fabulous experience nor stellar grade. I see people around me getting great offers but I myself am stuck here and I still have to go to that NTU interview and write a piece of essay about my ambition, while my real dream is to become a counselling psychologist.
Fear of the unknown, again. It's purely ridiculous. I have the will to work hard so why fear? But I can't control my feelings.
Midnight again. Continue tomorrow.
I have no idea what my future will be like. I know I will work harder, though. After being rejected by lots of companies, I see where I stand. I have neither fabulous experience nor stellar grade. I see people around me getting great offers but I myself am stuck here and I still have to go to that NTU interview and write a piece of essay about my ambition, while my real dream is to become a counselling psychologist.
Fear of the unknown, again. It's purely ridiculous. I have the will to work hard so why fear? But I can't control my feelings.
Midnight again. Continue tomorrow.
23 Mar 2010
5 Mar 2010
就这样，我就要面对大学了。
萌萌，你刚刚坐上火车，而我已经开始想你了。
和你在一起是那么快乐。三个月的假期里，让我最怀念的日子，就是和你看电影的那天。我们看着Barbara Novak美丽的公寓，我告诉你我们以后也要住这样的房子。多美的梦想。多希望有一天，我可以决定自己的步伐，可以真的和你在一起。到时候，你会不会有别的更好的朋友？会不会有了男朋友就不要我了？
日子一天天的过去，我发现我可以抓住的东西很少很少。世界这么大，而我只想和父母，和你在一起。只有你们能让我发现自己的价值。
明天我也要回新加坡了，去那里打工。等着吧，我很可能又要半夜给你打电话哭鼻子了。然后我要选专业，我要报大学。然后，我们可能就4年都见不了面了。
我要加油，你也要加油。虽然这次成绩令人失望，但是我会重振旗鼓，勇敢地坚持下去，改正自己的错误。路还很长，尽管我仍然很迷茫，我必须现在开始探索。
我真的很想很想和你住在那栋美丽的房子里。我想你。
和你在一起是那么快乐。三个月的假期里，让我最怀念的日子，就是和你看电影的那天。我们看着Barbara Novak美丽的公寓，我告诉你我们以后也要住这样的房子。多美的梦想。多希望有一天，我可以决定自己的步伐，可以真的和你在一起。到时候，你会不会有别的更好的朋友？会不会有了男朋友就不要我了？
日子一天天的过去，我发现我可以抓住的东西很少很少。世界这么大，而我只想和父母，和你在一起。只有你们能让我发现自己的价值。
明天我也要回新加坡了，去那里打工。等着吧，我很可能又要半夜给你打电话哭鼻子了。然后我要选专业，我要报大学。然后，我们可能就4年都见不了面了。
我要加油，你也要加油。虽然这次成绩令人失望，但是我会重振旗鼓，勇敢地坚持下去，改正自己的错误。路还很长，尽管我仍然很迷茫，我必须现在开始探索。
我真的很想很想和你住在那栋美丽的房子里。我想你。
31 Jan 2010
Overwhelming fear
It is irritating that I have to use this foreign proxy to log in to my log. I've been home for almost 2 months, and I have successfully done nothing. Well everyday I just eat, watch TV, eat again, watch TV again, and sleep. Life is kind of boring, and there is little thing that I can look forward to.
However, at some level, I am afraid of the near future. I have to face my results in March, and I really have no confidence. They say the unknown makes people afraid. That is damned true. Imagine a month later I have to go back to Hwa Chong to collect my results...I may even tremble when I get hold of the result slip. It is damned frightening.
But I've got to face it by myself. Yes. Whatever the result is, I have to accept it and move on with life. I don't know whether that is easy, but that is possible, and definite.
At this age, well, I think about a lot of things. Career, job, major, love, boyfriend...all mixed together. Whenever I see those unhappy marriages on TV, I wonder if that might happen to me. Whenever I pass by some poor people who have to beg for money on streets, my heart twitches, partly because I feel sorry for them, and partly because I am really uncertain of my future. Will I really earn enough money? Can I get a job? Will any firm hire someone like me? Am I going to be successful? The truth is, I don't even know what major I shall choose in university. I mean, at this age I just have to face a great deal of uncertainties which I hate. Yes. Uncertainty makes me nervous and afraid of the coming days. It really does.
I gotta face everything alone. I know my friends and family will be supporting me but I have to learn to face things alone, however I hate to do that. I think maybe I really need to grow up. People learn from pain and tears.
I am really a coward, aren't I? God please give me some strength. The result, the future. I must learn to fix things by myself. The worst possible outcome is that I kill myself. Then I don't have to deal with any of these at all. I don't know. I really do not know myself well. Am I mature enough to face my life bravely, or will I just take the shortcut to the end of my life?
No. I think I would rather endure the pain of life. At least I know some people will always be there for me. I really do need their support. Oh god life is hard! Why is it planned this way? Why couldn't it be easier on me?
I can't wait for the result to come.
However, at some level, I am afraid of the near future. I have to face my results in March, and I really have no confidence. They say the unknown makes people afraid. That is damned true. Imagine a month later I have to go back to Hwa Chong to collect my results...I may even tremble when I get hold of the result slip. It is damned frightening.
But I've got to face it by myself. Yes. Whatever the result is, I have to accept it and move on with life. I don't know whether that is easy, but that is possible, and definite.
At this age, well, I think about a lot of things. Career, job, major, love, boyfriend...all mixed together. Whenever I see those unhappy marriages on TV, I wonder if that might happen to me. Whenever I pass by some poor people who have to beg for money on streets, my heart twitches, partly because I feel sorry for them, and partly because I am really uncertain of my future. Will I really earn enough money? Can I get a job? Will any firm hire someone like me? Am I going to be successful? The truth is, I don't even know what major I shall choose in university. I mean, at this age I just have to face a great deal of uncertainties which I hate. Yes. Uncertainty makes me nervous and afraid of the coming days. It really does.
I gotta face everything alone. I know my friends and family will be supporting me but I have to learn to face things alone, however I hate to do that. I think maybe I really need to grow up. People learn from pain and tears.
I am really a coward, aren't I? God please give me some strength. The result, the future. I must learn to fix things by myself. The worst possible outcome is that I kill myself. Then I don't have to deal with any of these at all. I don't know. I really do not know myself well. Am I mature enough to face my life bravely, or will I just take the shortcut to the end of my life?
No. I think I would rather endure the pain of life. At least I know some people will always be there for me. I really do need their support. Oh god life is hard! Why is it planned this way? Why couldn't it be easier on me?
I can't wait for the result to come.
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