今天就是非常倒霉的
第一节课 就被老师骂了
第二节课 就第四次把化学实验做砸了
第三节课 就为了赶交化学作业 直接没听物理课 搞得自己什么都不知道
第四节课 作econs presentation 英语结结巴巴 所有人一脸雾水看着我 老师同情的不看我
回来后 把另一副耳钉弄丢了 明明在房子里 明明掉在床附近了 但我都快把房子翻遍了 也啥都找不到
然后我就自己想 这就是我的人生么 充满失败 充满怯懦 毫无自信心 整日怨天尤人 no ability to live, no chance to live well
然后就不顾电话费地给妈妈打电话 哭了半个小时 情绪好歹稳定了
我是矛盾的 我不是想死吗？死都吓不倒我 那些在以后的漫漫人生中记都记不起来的小事 为什么就把我整垮了？
活在这个社会中 活在一个我永远都无法融入的群体中 对我来说 比死更为可怕
那么就看远些吧 目标定得远一些 低一些
现在我的目标 就是不管多难受 也要死撑到6月
我相信 如果我还看不开这两年的无比渺小的矛盾痛苦 那么我就真该去死
但 如果我真的想回去 想永远的和朋友 和父母呆在一起 那么 眼光一定要放远 一定要越过这两年 看到未来
27 Feb 2008
弱者的独白
我沉浸在自杀的幻想中 但是我又放不下尘世的种种从这种意义上来说 我真的是个弱者 我连自杀都不敢 我连最自私的行为都不敢做 因为我本人 比这行为更自私很多事情我都无法了解 生活下去并不是困难的事 但是却毫无乐趣 让我生不如死 我永远理解不了父母 他们也无法理解我 他们说他们很爱我 那么 我真的觉得我愧对那份爱 因为我连自己都搞不定 要怎么去爱父母呢 我一直希望找到一个精神支柱 所以我一直在打扰别人 恬不知耻的扰乱别人的生活 只顾着发泄自己自私的情感 却从未想过到底会给别人造成多大的厌恶感我是多么想生活在一个没有爱的世界里 所有人都不要关心我 都鄙夷我 那么我就可以自杀了问题是 在这个世界 总有如电子一般大小的人在关心着我 让我真的生也不是 死也不是如果我一直没自杀 那么也许几年后我再看到这篇日志 就会嘲笑自己的幼稚但不幸的是 离几年后还那么远 而我 度日如年
有时候想啊 连死都不怕 还怕这个世界么 还怕这些阴暗 这些阻碍吗所以我告诉我自己 只要那些困难没有要我拿生命作代价 我就可以一笑置之 就算是让我死 我也从容面对
那么 就继续走下去吧 做一个弱者 一个生活在阴暗中 永远找不到光明的弱者除此之外 我什么都不能做 我的生命得以延续 在于我对那寥寥无几的爱我的人的感恩之情 如果没有他们 我就垮了
生命的意义 我还想继续探索 我想找到自己活着的意义 如果真的不去死 那么能不能让生活不那么痛苦？
有时候想啊 连死都不怕 还怕这个世界么 还怕这些阴暗 这些阻碍吗所以我告诉我自己 只要那些困难没有要我拿生命作代价 我就可以一笑置之 就算是让我死 我也从容面对
那么 就继续走下去吧 做一个弱者 一个生活在阴暗中 永远找不到光明的弱者除此之外 我什么都不能做 我的生命得以延续 在于我对那寥寥无几的爱我的人的感恩之情 如果没有他们 我就垮了
生命的意义 我还想继续探索 我想找到自己活着的意义 如果真的不去死 那么能不能让生活不那么痛苦？
24 Feb 2008
I don't know how long I can hold on. But for now, for this moment, let's just say that I enjoy the feelings.Nothing around me really matters. All that in my mind is to study.
最近一直在听温兆伦的歌 为此被鄙视好多回了 温sir帅啊 就是太多人觉得他老了
星期五上课时像是疯狂的 我边听歌边上lecture 睡着了好几次 没办法 老师的课sucks 我不得不听歌 听的时候我就想这是多么爽的一件事啊 我的心已经在歌里了 而眼睛还是不断地向口若悬河的老师投出鄙夷的目光
but that can't last forever I know what I've done is incorrectly
If I am a bad student I'll just skip the lesson and go for music
But I'm a scholar. I'm supposed to be good.
Life is fucking miserable.
看《爱在战火纷飞时》我就好喜欢那首《不敢哭》 我还听一些诸如《永远是你》歌曲都是讲爱情的 鉴于我已与爱情无缘 我就把《不敢哭》当成一种内心独白。
I'm still an antisocial. I'm still alone. But I kind of enjoy this life. Maybe it can't last. Maybe oneday I'll be forced back to reality. Maybe one day I'll have to be responsible for the consequences of all these mistakes. But just for now, let me clear my mind. Try and find some joy in anti-social. Try to rest my heart in loneliness
最近一直在听温兆伦的歌 为此被鄙视好多回了 温sir帅啊 就是太多人觉得他老了
星期五上课时像是疯狂的 我边听歌边上lecture 睡着了好几次 没办法 老师的课sucks 我不得不听歌 听的时候我就想这是多么爽的一件事啊 我的心已经在歌里了 而眼睛还是不断地向口若悬河的老师投出鄙夷的目光
but that can't last forever I know what I've done is incorrectly
If I am a bad student I'll just skip the lesson and go for music
But I'm a scholar. I'm supposed to be good.
Life is fucking miserable.
看《爱在战火纷飞时》我就好喜欢那首《不敢哭》 我还听一些诸如《永远是你》歌曲都是讲爱情的 鉴于我已与爱情无缘 我就把《不敢哭》当成一种内心独白。
I'm still an antisocial. I'm still alone. But I kind of enjoy this life. Maybe it can't last. Maybe oneday I'll be forced back to reality. Maybe one day I'll have to be responsible for the consequences of all these mistakes. But just for now, let me clear my mind. Try and find some joy in anti-social. Try to rest my heart in loneliness
22 Feb 2008
永远记得你是谁？ 永远记得你要的是什么？ 永远记得你的肩上承担了什么？
The title comes from my senior in China.
I think that's really meaningful and useful, especially when I'm stuck in such a situation.
While I cannot change my surrounding, I still have some complains that I fail to withhold in my heart.
Some people are just so hard to get along with. I don't mean that I'm perfect. But one must at least have some consideration.
The problem is so troublesome that it makes me doubt my personality. Am I such a stingy person who cannot even get along with someone of the same experience?
But somehow I failed. I think maybe it's a result that both sides are not able to avoid any responsibility. Yes, I'm not open-minded enough. I can't stand others' small problems. The other one is also not considerate enough.
But what makes me wonder is that why others can, or seems to just talk easily with her? This is a problem I cannot run away from. This makes me feel that I'm evil enough.
All right. Let me just accept the fact that I can never get along with people who in my opinion keep commanding me and never show the tinest sign of appreciation.
I think that's really meaningful and useful, especially when I'm stuck in such a situation.
While I cannot change my surrounding, I still have some complains that I fail to withhold in my heart.
Some people are just so hard to get along with. I don't mean that I'm perfect. But one must at least have some consideration.
The problem is so troublesome that it makes me doubt my personality. Am I such a stingy person who cannot even get along with someone of the same experience?
But somehow I failed. I think maybe it's a result that both sides are not able to avoid any responsibility. Yes, I'm not open-minded enough. I can't stand others' small problems. The other one is also not considerate enough.
But what makes me wonder is that why others can, or seems to just talk easily with her? This is a problem I cannot run away from. This makes me feel that I'm evil enough.
All right. Let me just accept the fact that I can never get along with people who in my opinion keep commanding me and never show the tinest sign of appreciation.
20 Feb 2008
I just don't care
其实我真的不想再一遍一遍的烦妈妈，烦同学。我明白每个人都有很多事情要做的。But somehow I've become so weak. 我太想说话了。我太孤单了。
I can't blame anyone other than myself.
没关系的，没关系。我烦恼是因为我的顾虑太多了。我把自己搞得这么乱。现在还没有正常的生活。
所以我不在乎。 I just don't care. 人际关系搞不好怎么办？无所谓。学习不好怎么办？无所谓。被人鄙视怎么办？无所谓。
重要的是，那么多关心我的人，亲人和朋友们，爸爸妈妈和萌萌，要为你们快乐着。
I can't blame anyone other than myself.
没关系的，没关系。我烦恼是因为我的顾虑太多了。我把自己搞得这么乱。现在还没有正常的生活。
所以我不在乎。 I just don't care. 人际关系搞不好怎么办？无所谓。学习不好怎么办？无所谓。被人鄙视怎么办？无所谓。
重要的是，那么多关心我的人，亲人和朋友们，爸爸妈妈和萌萌，要为你们快乐着。
The release of the JAE result
The result is depressing, yet nor so surprising,
淳耘还是走了，去了Victoria. 仝星也去了Victoria
This is what I have expected. But really from the bottom of my heart I don't want him to go. I don't want to be the only one staying in Hwa Chong.I finally understand how the democracy system in Singapore leads to elitism and snobbery. There's even a ranking of junior colleges... Why? Students who can get high mark are placed into top schools and the so-called "academicly-disabled" students are all thrown into the schools at the bottom.Fortunately all of us are in good schools. But there are still differences and we have to bear with them. We have to fight for our future no matter how adverse the situations may be.That's what we have to do. We are scholars. Thousands of Singaporeans are complaining that they're paying high taxes for the scolars' school fees and allowance.We're not glorious. This is my only feeling.
However, we've chosen our paths and it's now really late to turn back. We've missed a lot. It's not that I really believe things always have two opposite effects or I will definately gain valuable experience, but that I have to forbide myself to regret.
This is my life. I've made it this far. Right here right now, I'm exacly where I'm supposed to be.
I'm not fearless. But I know I have a chance as long as I'm alive.
淳耘还是走了，去了Victoria. 仝星也去了Victoria
This is what I have expected. But really from the bottom of my heart I don't want him to go. I don't want to be the only one staying in Hwa Chong.I finally understand how the democracy system in Singapore leads to elitism and snobbery. There's even a ranking of junior colleges... Why? Students who can get high mark are placed into top schools and the so-called "academicly-disabled" students are all thrown into the schools at the bottom.Fortunately all of us are in good schools. But there are still differences and we have to bear with them. We have to fight for our future no matter how adverse the situations may be.That's what we have to do. We are scholars. Thousands of Singaporeans are complaining that they're paying high taxes for the scolars' school fees and allowance.We're not glorious. This is my only feeling.
However, we've chosen our paths and it's now really late to turn back. We've missed a lot. It's not that I really believe things always have two opposite effects or I will definately gain valuable experience, but that I have to forbide myself to regret.
This is my life. I've made it this far. Right here right now, I'm exacly where I'm supposed to be.
I'm not fearless. But I know I have a chance as long as I'm alive.
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