I have a dream

I have to admit that, dreams rarely come true, at least for me.
All through the time I know life is a journey. I know I can control it, I can either make it shine or make it a failure.
But most of the time I can't find a lighthouse. I can't find the right direction. Two ways ahead of me and I have to make a decision. It's comfortable to stay at rest but that's really a waste of time. Sooner or later I'll have to make a decision. So many people have chosen their way in front of me so how can I just remain stationary? My curiosity will push the journey forward. My common sense of following others also promotes the journey.
So that's something I'll have to do. Make decision, go forward.
There's equal chance of rightness and wrongness of my choice. Once chosen, I'll have to go along. There's nothing such as changing path halfway. Once I find it wrong, I'll have to go back to the last checkpoint and restart my journey.
The thing is, I somehow hate to admit that I'm wrong. I'm unwilling to go back. Rather I would just follow the wrong way and endure whatever torture there may be.
So I'm just making myself weaker and less and less confident, making the journey harsher.
And then I complain to everyone I can reach. I tell them how poor I am. I cry and shout to heart content to just ask for a solution. Which is my next direction.
No one can help me, even if they want. To put it straightforward, I have to endure the outcome.


Too many things now. Too much, too messy, too hard to choose.
Sometimes I know I'm naive. I value my face more than anything else yet I keep doing stupid things.
But then these things are too minor to be cared about.

I want to leave Singapore. I want to go to US. But to me this could only be a dream. How far can I go? I don't know. There are too many perfect students here. Sometimes I tell myself not to even dream about competing with them. Then my conscience starts to condemn me. Have you even tried? Isn't there a saying that nothing is impossible if you try your best? So if I try my best to study, can I really go to US?

I wonder, when I can't even put all my concentration to academics. Success？Going to US? They don't make sense. Never.

So I'm disappointed. My conscience accuses me of slacking, while my body enjoys the break. Gosh, I hate this. Contradiction.

See I've written so much...

At this moment, let me make a promise. I'll try my best to study. I'll use as much as my time. As for all those competitions, I just try.

Listen to me. Never show to others you're the weaker. You think they'll pity you? You dream to get some support from them? That's impossible! It's your life. Others will only laugh at you. They'll despise you from the bottom of their hearts. Is this what you want? Not being able to stand straight?

Just tell yourself, life goes on. Really. Try your best but don't take the results into heart too much. Learn, and grow.

Still, after saying all these encouragement, I don't really think I can do much. Still, to me, to say is much easier than to do. But then, to do something you never need to say it out. Let me declare that all the things above are rubbish, and that I can't follow just because I want to follow. So reality is still unchanged.

But I feel much better, after writing all these meaningless rubbish. By the way, I like writing in this way.

Go on. For tomorrow I can stay with my parents and my friends. In case you don't know, Meng, you have been such an important reason for me to carry on. I don't know how long can friendship lasts, especially after so many years of departing. Even if it's another dream, I would carry on for it.

I would try, for the sake of realizing my dream, or simply to keep me proud of myself, to keep my head up.
为自己争口气